Something Something Spear

COL: Somebody asked me something about...something. Or...I don't know. Something about Pennsylvania.

Note: I knew exactly what he was talking about.

Copier

Dan: We're having a bit of a jam session here.

Purpose

Howie: Evil librarian! Are you filing for America?
Me: I'm filing for democracy.

An Indicator That I May Not Be Cut Out For This Job

Twice today, upon viewing the phrase "National Emblem," I began hearing "El Capitan" in my head.

Baby

Matt: I think the cuteness is the only reason we're keeping him. Otherwise he'd be out with the recycling.

Scanning and International Relations

Shawn: Why 600 dpi? Instead of, say, three?
Me: Because that's what the guy at the Montreal symphony told us all to do, and I'm not going to argue with him, because he's French.

Shawn: That's probably for the best.

How a Letter Becomes a Missive

Guy: I mean, there's not, like, a form letter for that, is there?
Me: Nah. All you have to say is "yes, go ahead." I s'pose you could throw an AR at it to make it sound fancy.

Doctor Funny's Lessons in Comedy, Volume 1

Greg: Volume is irrelevant, but timing matters.

Special Delivery

Jim: A Böhm!
Me: Were you expecting one?

Note the Subtle Differences

Greg: I'm going to pout.
Me: Oh, and that's news how?
Greg: I don't usually pout. Usually I'm just sullen.

Organist with a Screwdriver

Myrna: What's he doing?
Me: "I wonder if I can take this thing apart and put it back together again before the sermon's over."
John: He's pulling out all the stops!
Me: Literally! *rimshot*
Steve: Is he worshipping the organ?
Me: Oh, I just thought of something awful.
Steve: *sigh* Okay, what.
Me: "Thou shalt have no other gods before me and my organ."
Steve: You're going to hell.

This Requires an Explanation, Which You're Not Getting

COL: Sarah! Come see me when you come out of the closet!

Hey!

Me: You're not allowed to assert!
Greg: Yes, I am!

The Programming Grid

Me: Look, sir, it's your favorite thing!
COL: Aw, shit.

Revised Edition

Vince: So should I give it a new catalog number, since it's basically a different chart?
Me: Yes.
Vince: Should I, like, do something with the cover or title or something?
Me: Mark it "version 2.0."
Vince: You're kidding.
Me: It works. We have a lot more 2.0's in the library than I like to think about.

Who Needs to Rehearse?

Me: Sammy has the parts for your chaser, but the main tune I don't have yet.
Al: Really.
Me: Yep.
Al: So, no band parts either.
Me: Yep.
Al: It's on the show next Friday.
Me: Yep.
Al: That's awesome.

On On the Mall: In which one may see how boring I am

Apparent number of sets owned: twelve

Number of envelopes: three (labeled "On the Mall," "On the Mall," and "St. Louis Blues")

Prices marked:
$1.00, corrected by rubber stamp to $1.25 (2 sets)
$1.25
$1.25, corrected by rubber stamp to $1.50 (2 sets)
$2.00, with correction sticker residue (2 sets)
$2.00, corrected by sticker to $2.50 (5 sets)

Last known price: $80.00

Unexpected ownership stamp: Regimental Band Detachment, 301st Ordnance Regiment

Parts of "Onward-Upward" filed in set: 2

Humorous phrase resulting from unfortunate line break in Goldman Band System advertisement on reverse: "odious exercises."

He Did Ask Nicely

David: Please, call me Fatty McButterpants.

Location, Location, Location

Me: ...and they played Void, a new game he just got at the Renn faire, of all places. It's like, jousting field, bar, game store. Who knew?
Al: Well, that just makes sense. You gotta know your audience.

Celebrate My Fat! Come On!

Me: I passed a weigh-in today, so I'm having ice cream.
Mike K:
Me: It's only fair.
Mike K:
Me: Luckily I don't have the same attitude toward urinalysis.
Mike K:
Me: Because that would be unhealthy.
Mike K:
Me: Not to say that this is entirely healthy, of course.
Mike K: I don't even know where to begin asking questions.
Me: That's probably safest.

Perhaps

Mike: Perhaps Colin Mocherie has suffered enough.

CBC+DC

Me: Drop the Dead Douglas Coupland
Mike: This Hour Has 22 Douglas Couplands
Me: You Can't Do That On Douglas Coupland

Valdresmarsj

COL: Did you find a real score?
Me: No. I'm going to give you a [newer edition]. It's condensed anyway, so you won't know what you're missing.
COL: *pause* Okay.

So, Anyway...

Me: *starts story 1* *segues midway through into story 2* *finishes story 2*
Greg: So...
Me: Oh, there's more to that first story. I just trailed off because I forgot I was telling it.
Greg: How do you do that?
Me: You know how you go to look up a word in the dictionary, and you get distracted by other words?
Greg: Yeah.
Me: My whole head is like a dictionary of stories.
Greg: And you get distracted by the stories you're not telling.
Me: Yeah. So, anyway...

Another Gift Idea Down the Drain

David: We were somewhere in New Hampshire, and we went to the mall for a minute, because that's about as long as it took us to go through the mall, and we went into Spencer's for something...
Me: You needed a tit-shaped mug.
David: No, I have one of those. Strangely enough.

Knowing Your Limits

Mike: I think psychic monkeys with spy satellites might scare me even more than Greg does.

You know what? I don't want to know.

Chris: I'm gonna shampoo his cats.
Me: Is that dirty?

Proofing

Writer of Memo: Oh, I should've indented each paragraph.
Me: You should've gotten the name of the band right. And the conductor.

Joint Chorus Rehearsal

LTC: We're getting paid right now. For this! *pause* Don't tell anybody.

Because Obviously I'm the Expert

SGM: Wahini. Is that "woman?"
Me: Yes.
SGM: Okay, good.

More Three-Armed Parts

Me: Here's a turn in the middle of a timpani roll.
LT: And?
Me: So his third arm can come squelching out of his neck to turn?
LT: Is he pedaling?
Me: Probably not.
LT: Then what's the problem?

Physician, Heal Thyself!

Chiropractor: Oops. That was my back.

Failure to Communicate

COL: The Hal Leonard one is not the Mark Rogers one.
Me: This is the Mark Rogers, and it says Hal Leonard.
COL: No.
Me: See? *pointing* Mark Rogers, Hal Leonard.
COL: *pause* Is that the set we used?
Me: This is the only Rogers we have.
COL: The Hal Leonard is by someone else.
Me: This is the Hal Leonard *pointing*, and it's by Mark Rogers *pointing*.
COL: *pause* That's not the Hal Leonard.
Me: It says Hal Leonard.
COL: I mean it's not the Rogers.
Me: It says Mark Rogers.
COL: *pause* Well...the Hal Leonard one is not the Mark Rogers one.
(repeat ad nauseam)

Truth

Shari: Today would be a good day just to sleep.

Metroid Prime

Greg: Stupid lasers. Where my lasers at?
Me: Where my lasers at?
Greg: All the people want to know...
Me: Where my lasers at?

AMAZING CARTTON [sic]

Mike: That cartoon is full of penises and screaming. It really sums up what the internet is all about.