Starring Jet Li

Me: This is pretty good, actually.
Greg: What is it?
Me: Chef's cheese, refried beans, Monterey jack, bacon, and taco sauce. On the last tortilla.
Greg: The last tortilla!
Me: John Woo's "The Last Tortilla."
Greg: Ooh!
Me: I would see that.
Greg: Two tacos face off with one another...in Hong Kong.

So at Christmas? We have rum punch?

Kirsten: If elephants can eat poop, I can drink wine from the bottle.
Greg H: If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.

Thyme Keeps on Flippin' into the Suture

Me: That's why you shouldn't cook after surgery.
...
Me: God, that was shameful.
Greg: Yes! Yes, it was!

Can't Stop the Music

Greg: Uh oh.
Me: Are we out of champagne?
Greg: We are.
Me: Damnit! I'm never going to make it through this Village People movie.

Kids. What can you do?

Greg: Noah said something about always look on the bright side of life.

Me: And then everyone started whistling.

Greg: No, and then Arnie said "don't ever say that again, because now I have [singing] in my head."

Me: Ah.

Greg: And then the intern asked where that was from.

Me: And then you euthanized him.

Greg: No.

Me: Hm.

She never begs; she knows how to choose them

Me: That's more ZZ Top than I thought I knew.

Greg: That's more ZZ Top than I thought you knew.

Man-to-English Translation

Greg: Nice dress.
Me: Nice boobs.
Greg: That's what I meant.

The texts are coming from inside the house!

Me: Are you home and I didn't notice? Because I hear someone walking around upstairs.
Greg: Yes. How do you not notice?!
Me: Dude, I have locked myself in the bathroom and was about to call the police. No way your car was here when I got home.
Greg: It was.
Me: You have a cloaking device, then.

Later...
Me: I categorically deny that your car was in the garage when I got home!
Greg: And I categorically assert that it was!
Me: Cloaking device! It's the only answer!

Like the Pioneers Would Have

Caller: I know you don't have power, but I need to ask you [rather basic question].
Me: [answer].
Caller: Wow! Okay, [tougher question].
Me: That one I don't know, but I can give you the number of the person to call. Just give me a second...okay, it's [number].
Caller: Wait a minute, how did you know that if the power is off?
Me: I...have it written down?
Caller: Oh, MAN!

Later...
Me: ...and he was like, "Oh, MAN!"
Matt: No.
Me: Yes.
Matt: Wow. That...scares me.

Not sure how to take this...

Greg: Oh, someone made an RPG based on Torchwood. That'd be fun.
Me: If you're gay.
Greg: What? You could play Owen.

Copyright: A Summary

CPT: Have we heard back on any of the stuff we were waiting on?
Me: No. None of it.
CPT: Which were the things we were wondering about?
Me: All of them.

Unite!

Me: Rstevens says "Free yourself from the tyranny of pants! Onwards toward nudity!"
Greg: Excellent! Tell him I fully support his movement and wish to obtain some pamphlets!

On Lobster

Greg: I have to wonder, how does a giant scavenger insect living at the bottom of the sea get so tasty? It doesn't make sense.

Salt! Salt! Salt!

Mike: Nothing makes me want to destroy humanity more than Parrotheads.

Subbin'

Me: Half this choir is subs. They were reading "Assumpta est Maria"
and had to be told it was for Assumption.
Greg: Well, what did you assume?
Me: I assumed you'd say that, for one thing.

I Do Try

Sammy: You look very serious.
Me: I'm trying to prevent the clarinets from having to play Clarinet Candy, Clarinet Polka, or Fiddle Faddle.
Sammy: A noble cause.

My Obvious Hip Hop Potential

Me: They see me munchin', they hatin', something something something
something eatin' almonds.
Greg: Okay...?

From the organization that brought you "Somebody should update the wiki" comes...

Greg: I thought communication was hard, but apparently I'm awesome at it!

Yet more LBSC0735!

• We replaced everything else we had with Going Rogue; it's all you need.
• If you had a slow connection with baseball, how would you know? They're just standing there either way.
• Stupidity is boundless.
• I suppose this is really overly dorky.
• The T is for terrorism. Wow, that sounds like Sesame Street gone wrong.
• It sounds like fun! And anchovy!
• You don't see doctors throwing paint on each other and screaming "Lucifer."
• Um...hi...I've been charged with killing hobos.
• Not, like, professors, but real educators.
• Not long ago, barber/surgeon was a career choice.
  

Rejoice! For I have found two months of LBSC0735 notes, and the snide comments thereunto pertaining

• More than a third of the class has one of four first names.
• My email address is on here, which I now point to, because a year ago someone emailed me to tell me they couldn't find my email address on the syllabus. I wept quietly.
• What are the blankets that have sleeves?
• If you're Dan Brown--not that I would wish that on anybody...
• Re RIAA: ...the people what done did the suin'...
• Archivalship? Archivin'!
• Most law review footnotes are not worth your time.
• If society collapses that far, it'll be an issue of avoiding the Mad-Max-style people.
• Remember a couple years ago when we were all killed by SARS?
• If we fail, it will be spectacular.
• Week 4 is where people start showing up in tinfoil hats.
• There's never nothing happening relating to the law and information.
• He wasn't the sharpest bulb in the drawer.
• Enjoy your urban blight!
• I got caught in a scrum, and I was trying to go the other way...so definitely go to the ALA convention, just wear shin guards.
• I guess you could be an anarchist librarian, but how would you order the things?
• Aardvarks aren't edible. There's your band name! Plenty of opportunities for umlauts!
• You can tell by the acronym it was a bad idea.
• I ran out of chalkboards, so it seems like we'll go with five.
• Life without spellcheck is really confusing. I started to write parnats.
• Check the wayback machine; I'm done.
• We don't want to corrupt our children with reality!

Student: People have this bizarre but understandable love for the library.
Teacher: "Bizarre but understandable?" I like that.
Student: "Bizarre" seemed too judgmental.
Teacher: Especially because you're, y'know, here. "I'm here to destroy libraries from within!"

• Anybody get all angrified while you were reading it?
• I know nothing about Star Trek.

Student: There are Nixon deniers?
Teacher: Why not? I have no recollection of him.

• If someone wants to just chug the crumbs out of the bag, that opportunity is available.
• That wasn't the only thing: he also had a neck beard.
• I've left the house several times this week, that hasn't made the news.
• Everything will be okay, so long as Janet Jackson's not involved.
• There's a lot of evil out there, and credit card companies and data aggregators both fall into that category.
• Old Navy! Where are you?!
• I come not to praise Wal-Mart but to bury it.

Student: Note to self: Don't tell [student] anything.
Teacher: There's your privacy issue right there.

• ...pipes, gas lines, mole men...
• Now do you see how it's all fun and exciting and angries up the blood?
• Hectares! That is not a unit of measurement we use enough. Especially in terms of ordering at a restaurant. God, that's the sign Americans' diets are out of control--I'll have a hectare of potato salad, please. Bring a shovel.
• Here it's an antacid; there it's a back hoe.
• Let's obey the laws of physics!
• Yeah, the Nuremberg defense.
• Because Google has to seem threatening.
• The patent office is in the 18th century.
• It's a delightfully terrible idea.
• If you wanted to stage a Beckett play--footnote: why?--but if you did...

Teacher: I forgot two. Damnit! Okay, let's just go on to three.
Class: Profit!
Teacher: What?

Me: I'm not making you read Finnegan's Wake!
Teacher: I've already done that!
Me: Screenshot or it didn't happen.

• That's what that cubby's for! I've always wondered.
• So hypothetically, we'll call it "J.D. Salinger."
• But that doesn't work for shoes. Touche!
• I don't know why I picked Ben Hur. It was the first thing that came to mind.

Student: She was reading an abridged version, where it stops short of Beth dying.
Student 2: Spoiler alert!

• Tom Waits does admittedly sound like no human should.
• ...the annual orphan works bill...
• I don't have a beard, and I don't own any elbow patches! I had a lot of things preventing me from teaching at a law school.
• I can anticipate the moves of Garth Brooks!
• It's a hypothetical dog.
• ...fantastic in its evilness.
• If you can't identify a squiggle, just assume it's positive.
• You can't get more than full credit on the assignment. Stop talking to me.
  

Romantic Sunday Morning

Me: *frrrt*
Greg: Pathetic.
Me: Who made you king of the farts?
Greg: Do you really need to ask?

Patois

Greg: Do you want to go to the other Walmart?
Me: Yeah. I hate the fact that you can't check inventory online, but this is better than calling a bunch of Walmarts.
Greg: True.
Me: You'd have to use the local dialect: "Y'all got any a them iPhones?"
Greg: That was pretty good, but you're missing at least two things. You need a hacking cough somewhere in there, and you need to be yelling at kids in the background. "Git off the couch!"
Me: "Stop biting the dog!" *hack hack hack*
Greg: Okay that actually was kind of disturbing.

I Get All My News From Drunk Hulk

Me: Didja hear Al and Tipper Gore are separating?
Greg: No.
Me: Yeah, Drunk Hulk says he's been saying that for years, because humans and robots shouldn't marry.
Greg: Which one's the human and which one's the robot?
Me: Who can say?

Choice Quotes from LBSC0735, December 10, 2009, Which I Apparently Never Posted

• I apologize for the ones that got bent. I had cat issues. She is clearly smarter than I am.
• I would appreciate, if you got an A, that you not complain about your grade.
• Evil trolls? The scheduling fairy? I don't know.
• You should all be eating a rubber chicken dinner and I should be doing a soliloquy.
• Proactive drinking? I'm not sure what that would be besides another band name or memoir title. Or both! Why be limiting?
• The way to handle IP in the archives is to weep quietly in the corner while drinking.
• Okay, I missed something. Or did something stupid and didn't realize it. Two choices, either viable.
• If graduations did mean people bursting into song, wouldn't more people show up?
• My PhD hat is one of those octagonal things, except it has a big poofy bottom, so it's like the 16th-century Dutch navy or something.
  

The Male Flautist: Loud 'n Proud

Me: The oldest Chimes of Liberty you have, which should be Feist from 1922: does it have second flute?
Laura: I don't know!
Me: You don't know that off the top of your head? How embarrassing.
Laura: Hey Rob, the oldest Chimes of Liberty we have, does it have second flute?
Rob: I'm not sure.
Laura: He's not sure.
Me: What the hell kind of flute player is he?
Laura: What kind of flute player are you, she wants to know.
Rob: The kind that plays first.

Brush with Fame

Me: Famous person!
Jonathan Coulton: Famous person!

I understand the reasons why you're hungry 'cuz so am I

Greg: The only question is, what do you want to do for breakfast, lunch, brunch, frunch, d-lunch, d-linner, d-leackfast, d-lightful?

My Hal Leonard contact was also kind enough to point this out today

John: Hello! Carry on! Remember, could be worse, you could be stuck in a windowless room when it's gorgeous out!
Matt: I'm completely sure he didn't need to go there.

Abominable Papercrafts

Me: Did you know there are "print and fold" mascots at vancouver2010.com?
Mike: No I did not, but I so don't want a stylized Canadian first-nations origami yeti in my house. Oh, wait, yes I do.

A Selection of High-Quality Typos So Far This Week

The Way You Loom Tonight
South Rampart Street Pavane
Sleigh Rice

Matt: Y'know, I would like to hear that pavane.

The Art of Conversation

Me: Hello! Would you like to talk about my headache? It's all I can think about.
Shari: My back is killing me.
Me: Would you like to talk about my headache to take your mind off of it?

Lest you think this blog is merely a catalog of stupid crap others say

Me: In my head, a group of children are yelling "thank you, TiVO chicken! Bok bok!"
...
Me: It's like Wil Wheaton. Well, it's like Wil Wheaton dressed as Colonel Sanders.

It's not all fun and games, you know.

Greg: God, this sobriety test is so boring!

Learning

Matt: I’m all about learning through failure. Lots and lots of failure. If it’s possible to screw it up, I’m there.

Two Snippets of Radio Announcements Heard While Abusing "Scan"

1. ...for various reasons. But that is why we have so many oratorios!
2. Elaine Stritch!