Job Satisfaction

Dan: Why is it I always seem to catch you on a bad day?

Me: Because that’s the only kind there are?

Gift List Issues

Me: You're really easy to shop for, it's just that the things you want and the things your mother wants to buy you...
Greg: Have a null intersect. Form a disconnected space. Are mutually exclusive.
Me, writing: Okay, slow down...
Greg: I'm trying to think of an algebra one, but I can't think of anything good. Sits in the center of a nontrivial exact sequence?

Win

Me: Your victory was only temporary.
Greg: No, my victory was awesome.

From the Last Day in Norwich

Me: The question is, how many tics can I give you by the time we get to the airport?
Greg: Probably four.

If only I knew which was which

Either Greg or Sarah: Since when is thinking illegal?

The other: Since I became the mind police.

Coming Soon!

Jenn: Crouching Picasso, Hidden Bull!

Equivalence

Me: Best Mike Gift Ever!
Greg: I know! That means Jen will hate you forever.
Me: Damnit.
Greg: Well, the two are equivalent: the better the Mike gift, the more
Jen-hated it is.

The Baby Borrowers

Greg: We're watching cute children being manhandled by people who are
not their parents.
Craig: ...dot com.

It's Not Just No Self-Esteem, It's Negative Self-Esteem

Greg: I'm going to use the bathroom.
Me: I'm going to think ill of myself.
Greg: Why?
Me: I'm good at it? Wait...damnit! How can I think ill of myself and think I'm good at something at the same time?

He Did Ask

Saxophone Player: I got an instrument for my wife so we can play duets. Guess what I got her! What instrument can absolutely anybody play with no lessons?
Me: Saxophone.