Guess where he works!

Me: Oh, man, have you lost like a ton of weight?
Rob: I've been swimming almost constantly. When work pisses me off, I just say "take it to the pool." So, y'know, in the past two months I've lost 25 pounds.

Minimalism

Vince: It wasn't that hard. All I had to do was think like [percussionist].
Me: There's so many jokes there, I don't even know where to start.
Vince: I know! That's why I stopped at "think like [percussionist];" it's really all you need.

As Diva as He Can Get

Jay: Why isn't Matt [copying] that?
Vince: Because I...I want to do it! It's my last chart!
Me: He wants Matt standing behind him, at attention.
Vince: Yes!
Me: And flags. The Army flag on one side of the copier, and the US flag on the other.
Vince: Yes! That's what I want! Why isn't that happening?!

Know Your Enemy

Kim: Okay, what do I need to know?
Me: He hates medleys. He wants modular things that can be put together in different sets, but then he wants the whole set bound together under one cover. And when you DO do medleys, he hates long transitional sections. Anything over 8 bars, he'll cut.
Kim: *goes on leave*
Laura: *returns from leave*
Laura: Okay, what do I need to know? Kim didn't tell me anything.
Me: He hates medleys. He wants modular things that can be put together in different sets, but then he wants the whole set bound together under one cover. And when you DO do medleys, he hates long transitional sections. Anything over 8 bars, he'll cut.

Later
COL: I'm sure they'll be calling you soon.
Me: Oh, Kim called in advance.
COL: What'd you tell her?
Me: I said "He hates medleys. He wants modular things that can be put together in different sets, but then he wants the whole set bound together under one cover."
COL: And long intros! If they're more than 8 bars, I'm cuttin' 'em!

Music Selection

Conductor: It has clapping?
Me: It has clapping and stomping.
Conductor: Oh, we are SO doing that.

From Detroit down to Houston, to the oceans white with foam

Me: Apparently one of our encores this tour is "God Bless the America."
Jane: I shudder to think who wrote that.
Me: Irving Greenwood?

Surprise! We're Capable!

Librarian of big famous orchestra: So...what are you sending?
Me: We're sending--actually we have sent--the new anthem, Let Freedom Ring, and Stars and Stripes in the band key, which is Ab to Eb.
Librarian: Oh! And did you send...real parts?
Me: Yes.
Librarian: Oh! And scores?
Me: Yes.
Librarian: Oh! And...how many strings, if you recall?
Me: 8-7-6-5-4.
Librarian: Oh! And how did you send it?
Me: FedEx.
Librarian: Oh! To my attention?
Me: Yes.
Librarian: Oh! I guess...we're all set then.
Me: Yep.

Pleasure Doing Business With You

Me: Hey, I need to go through a bunch of money real fast. Can you charge my card and let me carry a balance?
Vendor: Sure. Lemme make sure I have the right account...okay, how much?
Me: Two thousand dollars.
Vendor: Okay, we'll invoice you.
Me: Great.
Vendor: Anything else?
Me: Nope, that's it.

Tell Him I'm Not Talking To Him

Jonathan: I'm giving you the silent treatment. That's how we adults deal with conflict.

Drunken Diptych

Moira: It's so nice to see Americans really drink.

---

Me: What is it about England that makes people drink?
Chris: The English.

Poor kid never learned what a nonagon was.

John: The older kid's school was mad because we're taking her out for two more days than she's allowed to miss in a school year. I mean, you tell me this isn't an educational trip. Today we saw the Rosetta Stone. What were they going to talk about that was more important?
Me: But you missed a discussion of shapes!

Last Man Standing

Peter: You want anything?
Me: I'm taking a break.
Peter: That's not really fair; none of the rest of us are.

They Call Me the Child-Choker!

Me: I bought a Kinder egg.
Karen: *gasp* You're so bad!

The first rule of pub crawl...

Michael: I don't think you understand. When James says "ten minutes," you need to chug.
Me: You're new to this pub crawl. We have rules.
Rob: I've had it up to here with The Man and your rules.

Class Wars

Me: You guys have a Corona bucket. We have a Grolsch bucket. That makes us somehow better.
Chris: You're like, "We're so Euro!"

Suburban Gangsta

Me: Yeah, I'm gonna roll up to the farmers' market in my Prius, wearing my Toms, carrying my natural cotton bags.
Greg: Awwww, yeah.

Cheesemaking

Me: Eeeuuulgh. How many molds is that?
Greg: Three, at least. Maybe four.

The Inventors

Matt: You know what I need? A magnet on a long stick.
Me: With a mirror.
Matt: Or a camera!
Me: And a little grabber claw.
Matt: And a gun! Hell, at that point, why not go all out?!
Me: Let's do this thing!

Actually, Drop 7

Me: My computer's been on the Welcome screen for half an hour.
IT Guy: Awesome! *typingtypingtyping* Okay, I told it to restart. If it stays hung for another five minutes...
Me: Eh, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. With my phone, if you know what I mean.
IT Guy: Ah, Angry Birds Rio.

This is what I live with.

Greg: I'm going to to "pbbblt" out of at least two orifices!

They're building a desk. They don't know why I'm laughing at them.

• I need it to be longer.
• See, I found both holes without even looking.
• A little to the right...aw yeah, keep it right there.
• I had it like that before, but it stuck out too much.
• It's not long enough. I have an extender at home.
• While you're down there, d'ya see that thing hanging down?
• Just jam it in there, it'll get wider.

Can I talk to Dana?

Vinny: I'm going to want to have lunch eventually.
Jay: Lunch?!
Matt: There is no lunch.
Me: Only Zuul.
Matt: You know, I was thinking that when I said it, but I thought no, I'm not going to say it, that'd be stupid.

It is what it is

Jay: Stop stop stop! You're out of the hole!
Everyone: (silence)
Me: Okay, sorry guys, you know that is what she said.
Matt: (sigh) I know, it just...
Me: I know. But it is.

Overheard Long Ago, Transcribed Just Now

Guy: I played harmonica, but I had to stop because I got dizzy.

Guy: I've never been good at lying.
Girl: Oh, I hate it but I'm really good at it.

Guy: I'm not republican! I hate Larry King!

Guy: All the parties we go to are black tie.
Wife: No, some of them are black tie optional.

Kid: Mommy, we don't we take private jets? Me and daddy go somewhere, and you and Sean go somewhere else! ...If you spend time away from each other, you won't have to argue with each other!
Sean: Well, they barely argue.

Continuing Resolution

Me: The worst case scenario would be Greg gets furloughed and I get fired for being fat.
Matt: Ah, nothing's going to happen to Greg. He's too vital.
Me: Yeah, they control the weather. I mean, no! No, they don't!
Matt: Aha!

Programming Meeting

MAJ: Well, we've solved the Muppet crisis.

Lawful Order

COL: Go into obstruction mode.
Me: That's my default mode. As you well know.

Shopping List

Greg: Pork, fish, sausage. I want that!
Me: Sausage made out of fish and pork?
Greg: No, sausage made out of porkfish!
Me: No such thing as a porkfish.
Greg: Yes, there is!
Me: No.
Greg: Yes! I can't believe you've never seen a porkfish. Swimming around with their little snouts, adorable!
Me: Fish don't have snouts.
Greg: Porkfish do.
Me: Nope. And pigs don't have gills.
Greg: Well, no. I don't know why you even needed to point that out.

Brilliant! New! Idea!

Me: ...and I will try not to be swayed by the fact that it was [composer] who thought of it, because he is a jerkwad.
SGM: That has indeed been brought up.
Me: I should think so.

Ah, singers. I've been one.

Singer: It's an instrumental.
Me: No, it's vocal.
Singer: But there's no vocal part.
Me: Yeah, the last soloist probably just didn't return it. When [arranger] comes in, I'll have him print another one.
Singer: But...we need to know what key it's in now.
Me: ...okay...?
Singer: How can we tell what key it's in?
Me: From...all the other parts?

Is There a Tier IV?

Al: I haven't met the conductor, but I've met the stage manager, who is also the timpanist.
Me: Ah. That gives me a lot of information right there.
Al: Yeah, that tells you where we are with this.

So many identities withheld, but most are guessable

IW: [good conductor] is coming tomorrow, to do kind of a conducting master class-y thing. With [bad conductor].
Me: Hold on. The worst conductor the chorus has had in the past ten years at least is going to have a coaching session with the best conductor the chorus has ever had? In front of the chorus?
IW: And it was [bad conductor]'s idea.
Me: Wow. That's...brave. I'm not sure it's going to work out as favorably for him as he thinks.
IW: I'm sure [good conductor] won't humiliate him too badly. Gay men have class.

Success!

Mike B: *whistling*
Matt: Great. Now that's stuck in my head, asshole.
Mike B: That worked better than I could have hoped.