What's in a name?

Me: How glad are you you're not this guy?
Mike: I bet he thinks he's the best real-estate developer in the world.

Lying to the Aged

Dad: My mind is going. Have you noticed?
Me: Yep.
Dad: Oh! Well, it's kind of you not to mention it.
Me: I did mention it, you just forgot.

HI to MD

Mike: Our waiter amused us. He was good, and very friendly, but when Jen ordered the venison he mentioned how before he moved to Maryland and got that job, he'd never heard of venison. Naturally we were all puzzled as to where one has to come from to not have heard of venison. And the answer would be Maui, where they have no deer. We then spent the next five minutes joking about how someone leaves Maui to move to Ellicott City, MD. We determined that he just couldn't deal with the paradise anymore and needed to get in the rat race, fast.
Me: "God, if I have to look at one more palm tree, I swear I'm gonna lose it"
Mike: "I'm so sick of this pristine white beach. What I wouldn't do to be in a cubicle!"
Me: "*sigh* If only I could find out how badly people drive in snow."
Mike: "This infernal tropical weather is unbearable. If only I could go somewhere dreary and overcast."
Me: "Why must everyone be so laid back?!"
Mike "My dream has always been to sell this surf shop and go work on Wall Street."
Me: "I'm tired of looking at hula girls."

Assumptions

Mike: I saw on your blog you accused him of cheating. I assume that was at the tournament. Is there a story there?
Me: I accused Patrick of cheating. Does it say Greg instead? No, it says Patrick. You're hallucinating again.
Mike: I just naturally assumed that if you were accusing someone of cheating, it would be Greg. Don't read too much into that.
Me: I think I might take the opportunity to read too much into that. Because it’s funny.
Mike: I didn't mean it in the adulterous way. Just in the way that if you're competing with Greg at something, I assume you would be accusing him of cheating. And also that you would be justified, because he would be cheating. 'Course, I never said that.

A Fair Question

Dave: So how long before this weekend ends up on your blog?

It's Only a Game

Me: You are Poopy McCheaterhead.
Patrick: It was only a matter of time before I was found out.
Me: And I am Poopy McLoserhead.
John: There's not much difference between winning and losing. You'd think there would be, but no.

Why Choose Just One Poison?

Chris: Ah! I will have caffiene and alcohol, so I can have the shakes as I collapse.

Man's Search for Truth

Mike: Imhotep totally wore a hard hat. And Elvis totally wrote Hamlet.
Me: Dude, you really need to stop getting all of your information from Wikipedia.
Mike: What, did it lie to me again? That bastard! And I suppose the Pope didn't invent Twizzlers, either.

Why Won't the Band Play Video Game Music?

Mike: Are they from the past?

He's One of 'Them'

Greg: Sarah, you spelled "wookiee" wrong.
Me: Is it not W-O-O-K-I-E?
Greg: No, it's W-O-O-K-I-E-E.
Me: Okay, I kill you now.
Greg: It's true!
Me: Immaterial. I kill you now.

I'm Not a Mathematician, But I Play One on TV

Greg: Mathematicians do not give retribution.
Me: Not in this dimension, at least.
Greg: No, not in any dimension. Mathematicians give passive aggression.
Me: Okay, fine, whatever.
Greg: What?
Me: Oh, nothing.

Specificity

Greg: Mathematicians, being mathematicians, will not overgeneralize.
Me: Ah! All mathematicians will not...wait...

He Can Be Taught!

Greg: My syringe is not a writing implement.
Me: That's so true.
Greg: Nor can I inject things into myself with a pencil.

Noisemaking

Me: *series of decreasingly Chewbacca-like noises*
Greg: No, that sounds like a goat.
Me: Chewbacca sounds like a goat.
Greg: No! Chewbacca sounds like a wookie!
Me: Okay, you're totally fired.
Greg: I know any number of geeks who would agree with me.
Me: Now you're just trying to get on the blog.
Greg: No, I'm not.
Me: Well, you're gonna be.
Greg: Damnit!

How To Achieve Job Satisfaction

Comment on Jake's Blog: You just have to change your objective from "getting something accomplished" to "maximize evil wastage of time" and then you'll be a winner!

And 502!

Mike: Hurray, I'm #500! I rule. Me and the shoggoths. (Spell checker also suggests "shogunates," which should also not be confused.)

Ceiling Cat!

Emmy: There's a cat in the ceiling.
Sean: We have Paul to thank for that.
Paul (poking ceiling tiles with trident): I did not put the cat in the ceiling. I don't know what would make you think that.
Sean: Perhaps it was the elaborate plan you detailed earlier, about how to get a Ceiling Cat.

Lovecraft Didn't Have This Problem

Mike: For "Shoggoths," my spell checker suggests "Visigoths" and "Golgotha." Which are both very different things.

500th post!

Logic

Mike: He has frightening facial-hair. I assume, therefore, that he is one of Greg's gamer friends.

In the Hallway Just Now

*sound of bagpipe chanter*
Voice 1: Louder!
Voice 2: Faster!
Voice 3: Higher!

Ding Dong, the Band is Gone

Gene: I don't celebrate until they're thirty miles outside the perimeter.