The All-American Soldier

Me: I'll find it. I'll find it in MIDI.
Greg: Oh, god.
Me: I love you.
Greg: I love you too?

POV Risk Assessment

System: Estimated travel time: 1.9 hours. Will you be taking regular breaks?
Me: No, I will drive straight through.
System: *freaks out* You must take breaks every two hours!
Me: Um...okay...
System: Will you be taking regular breaks?
Me: Uh...yes?
System: Okay, good. You know, I knew a guy once who didn't take regular breaks, and now he's dead.
Me: Look, are we done here?
System: Congratulations! You've successfully submitted your Risk Assessment.

Ooh, someone's gettin' smacked

Me: We request permission to arrange [tune].
Publisher: [bizarre question about arrangement]
Me: [answer]
Publisher: [inexplicable question about arrangement]
Me: [answer]
Publisher: [gibberish question]
Me: [answer to assumed question]
Publisher: We no longer control [tune].

So, what, he wasted so much time asking for irrelevant details that the song changed hands?

Actually, somehow, I believe that.

Deleted Mail

February 2006...

Me: So, what's the lunch plan, and how can I modify the lunch plan to include y'all doing heavy lifting for me?

Deleted Mail

February 2006...

Me: Be oblong and have your knees removed.
Mike: I'd rather be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant.
Me: That's probably because you have that live chicken in your underwear. Me, I prefer to criticize things I don't know about.

Deleted Mail

January 2003...

Me: You know the handy "did you mean" link on google, when it thinks you've misspelled a word? I'm looking for a tune by a guy named Joseph Schwatner. I got "did you mean shatner?"
Mike: *Joseph* Shatner, his obscure cousin, the openly-gay interpretive dancer?

Deleted Mail

January 2003, after ad-hoc gospel choir rehearsal...

Me: You weren't singing, Don.
Euphonium Player: In the music dictionary, the definition of "unfunky" has a picture of me.
Me: The colonel was singing.
EP: Well, I'm at least that funky. I'm not much, but I can beat some.

Deleted Mail

July 2002...

I win the stupidest question of the day award. I just got a call from a woman wanting me to send her the piano part to Ruffles and Flourishes. I sang her the whole thing. Four times.

Her: That's it?
Me: That's it.
Her: So there wouldn't be music for it, then?
Me: No.

Eventually I faxed her the appropriate page out of FM 12-50. The top half of the page is R&F. The bottom half of the page is Funeral Dirge. That pleases me.

Extremely Deleted Mail

May 2002...

Me: I have Outlook set up to spell check before sending, and for Cercone it suggests "Crone" and "Creole."
Mike: Neither of which apply in the slightest. Whereas "Beheads" for
"Bethesda" works quite well.

Most People Would Just Say "What are You Doing Here?"

Me: You don't exist in this area! You exist in the Severna Park area!
Peter: I exist in many areas. I'm working on omnipresence.
Me: That must be exhausting.
Peter: It really wears your brain out.

Deleted Mail

January 2006:

Me: The Army Chorus is billing themselves as "the country's only professional male chorus." Better hope Chanticleer doesn't find out about that. Not sure about Cantus--they may be part-timers.

IW: Cantus is, in fact, a full-time chorus. Maybe what the Army Chorus meant was "the country's only professional male chorus that pretends to not be gay."

Deleted Mail

January 2006:

Me: Hey, kick ass! The title of the program your tune is on is "Band Geeks Unite!"
Tadd: How did they know?
Me: How could they not?
Tadd: Touché.

Deleted Mail

January 2006:

Me: You know that woman who wrote that thing for [concertmaster]? She just sent another set of if. I'm going to file it someplace special.

COL: Did you throw it out?
Me: Not yet.

Deleted Mail

Post-Super Bowl...

At yesterday's obligatory Super Bowl party, the host had three remove-the-ring type puzzles sitting next to the TV. Greg picked one up that was allegedly "the hard one." (Host's girlfriend, who apparently gave them to him for Christmas: "They're all supposed to be hard." Host: "Well, they're not.") I picked up what was called "the easy one," and said Greg would probably finish before I did. He didn't. I then picked up "the medium one," and finished that too, noticing that one piece of it was a different type of metal for a reason.

At least half an hour later, Greg was still working on the hard one. I noticed it also had the different type of metal...

Me: Can I show you something?
Greg: I guess.
Me: (demonstrate properties of other metal)
Greg: Ah!
Host: Dude, did she just show you how to do it?
Greg: Pretty much.
Host: Dude, we need to revoke your PhD.
Me: I thought you were going to say "penis." Because that was pretty emasculating.
Host: I wasn't going to go there.
Greg: Thank you.

Deleted Mail

February 2006 (although I don't remember it at all)...

Me: Programming around here is a constant reminder that you can't please all of the people all of the time. And you can't please any of the clarinet section ever.

Deleted Mail

Overheard conversation about marching rehearsal...

Eddie: We're gonna look like five monkeys f*cking a football.
Mike: How do you figure?
David: Well, it's gonna be at least five times funnier than one monkey.

Turn-In List

Major: First thing tomorrow, we're going to turn in this many charts.
Me: Cool.
Major: Actually, no. First thing tomorrow, we're going to find out the trumpet parts are missing from this many charts.

Inciting the Workers to Revolt: Just One More Service I Offer

Shari: Is he gone?
Me: Yes.
Shari: That's why I do this during lunch. So I can sneak in his office...
Me: And steal stuff?
Shari: Yes.
Me: And pee in his shoes, like a cat?
Shari: Now there's an idea!

Self-Knowledge

Me: You know all four of our scores are bound wrong, and you're the only one who's noticed.
LT: What can I say?
Me: That's attention to detail, sir. You were born to be a librarian.
LT: Nah, I'm not that smart. I can only be a conductor.

Please Attach Finisher

Bernie: You need something?
Me: I'm looking for Gene. I found this chunk under the copier. Probably has something to do with the fact that the finisher keeps coming unhooked.

Bernie: Your copier?
Me: Yep.
Bernie: The good one?
Me: Yep.
Bernie: The big, expensive one?
Me: Yep.
Bernie: That looks important.
Me: Yep.
Bernie: Good thing they made it out of plastic instead of, say, metal.

On the Off Chance Someone Reading This Blog Isn't Personally Issued This Order

See Wordplay. Multiple times. I command you.

In the interest of "leading by example," I've already seen it twice, even though it's not technically out yet.

And after you've seen it, buy the book. And do the puzzles. But slower than me, so I can gloat.

Captain Clammy Issues a Threat

Steve: You get an extra long handshake today.

Shoulda Stopped While He Was Ahead

Steve: I have oil under my fingernails. How butch is that?
Me: Ooh, that's very butch.
Steve: I was filling tiki torches.

Things Said While Cooking, Which I Will Not Tell the Guests Until After They Eat

"It looks vaguely fecal."

"Oh, God, it's melting the spoon!"

Mo' Onions

Greg: Stupid three-dimensional vegetables.
Me: They hate you.
Greg: I've noticed. They make me cry.

Dang Uncommon Names, Stealing All My Fun

Me: When you have a second, I have a fun puzzle for you.
Greg: Okay, what?
Me: What is this a list of: Wei-Hwa, Thomas, Roger, Jonathan, Zack?
Greg: World Puzzle Champions.
Me: Aw, man. Roger was a giveaway!
Greg: Uh, no, Wei-Hwa was. Roger could be anybody. Wei-Hwa, I only know one.
Me: Okay, good point.

I Have Very Limited Powers

Me: *holding previously-believed-to-be-lost music* I'm the god! I'm the god!
Chris: How did you find that?
Me: I'm the god, that's how.
Chris: Wow.
Me: You better believe it.

Truth in Advertising

Me: What flavor of saxophone are you auditioning?
Chris: We usually just audition on alto...
Me: ...and make 'em play other stuff when they get here?
Chris: Gives us something to do.

Accuracy

Me: I put the score on your desk.
LTC: Thanks. Do we have a time on it?
Me: Short.
LTC: Is that a no?
Me: Probably. Lemme look...2:38.
LTC: Okay, so "short" is technically correct.

Highlights from an E-Mail from Dad

"What would I do with a yurt? I wouldn't even know what to feed it."

"We're starting to think the wedding will be a good thing."

Predictability

Greg recently [unwittingly] reminded me of this overheard conversation from college...

Guy: How are they packaged?
Vendor: By the dozen. I been doin' this for years. I can multiply any number by twelve.
Guy: Yeah? So what's...
Vendor: 204.
Guy: How'd you know I was going to say seventeen?
Vendor: Everybody always says seventeen.

Happens Every Day

Member of the General Public: I want to borrow this tune from you.
Me: We don't have it.
MGP: But you have to have it. I heard it on a recording of a totally different band. Therefore it is clearly in your library.

Lindy Lesson

Teacher: The butt is a visual thing.
Me: How true.
Partner: *crumple to floor*

Deleted Mail

From November 2005:

Me: Is it possible to cancel my order of [tune]? I'll poke the conductor in the eye if it's any consolation.
Dealer: Unfortunately it is too late to cancel the import. I doubt it is worth getting court-martialed over, but that's a decision you'll have to make.

Me: Fair enough. Can I poke the conductor in the eye anyway?
Dealer: You're on your own with that.

Gut Reaction

Me: Well, he found this other Robert Russell Bennett tune...
IW: [expletive]! We just...sorry...[expletive]...we just recorded eighty minutes of it! Sorry. I didn't mean to...sorry.

Sightreading Packets

Matt: I'm taking out this copy of the "Saints" solo and replacing it with this nearly identical copy with my chicken-scratch on the top saying "Swing."

Me: Nice. "Swing, numb nuts."
Matt: "Numb nuts" is implied.

The Last Full Measure of Devotion

Matt: What's that?
Me: Don't look! You'll go blind!
Matt: "The Last Full Measure?" Is it for summer?
Me: Yeah. It's bad.
Matt: Is it, like, "The Rose" bad?
Me: It's like "The Rose" plus "We Were There."
Matt: *slumps*
Me: Well, no, it's more like "God Bless the USA" times "Wind Beneath My Wings."
Matt: *slumps further* I'll just let my body language speak for me.

Maple Glazed Veal Medallions

Me: Who puts tree sap on a baby cow?
Greg: Crazy people.
Me: Crazy like a fox.

He's That Subtle

Greg: Ah, now I can move on to the other thing I was planning to do tonight.
Me: Worship me?
Greg: I've been doing that. You...you didn't notice?

This Isn't About You. Probably.

Me: His blog runs toward the femmy.
Greg: "Runs toward?" It smacks into it and slathers itself with the femmy!

Censored, Yet Still Amusing, Phone Call, In Its Entirety

Me: Librarysergeantanderson.
IW: Hey, it's [IW]
Me: Hey.
IW: What's the name of that bastard from [company]?
Me: [name]
IW: Okay, thanks! Bye!
Me: Bye!

The Monthly Ritual

Greg: I'll say it again, as I do every month, I'm glad I cleaned out my ears.
Me: What?
Greg: I'M GLAD I CLEANED OUT MY EARS.
Me: Ah. Ya find anything? Wood lice?
Greg: Well, I found a couple of weasels, which I didn't expect. But you have to be ready for anything.

Insights into Northern Africa

BBC Radio: The center of Somalia is Somalia.
Me: A crunchy Somali center!
Greg: Yes!
Me: Surrounded by creamy nougat!
Greg: That's why Ethiopia doesn't attack! They can't get through the nougat!

Deleted Mail

Me: Score's in B-flat, parts are in A-flat...unless violins or flutes transpose, which I have trouble imagining.
Conductor: Whaddya wanna bet the conductor will never figure it out? Or notice? Or care?
Me: Oh, I think we'd all notice if violins tried to transpose. "Who's killing cats?!"

Guest List

Me: The only addresses I don't have are Aunt Myrtle and the Schendels.
Dad: Aunt Myrtle and the Schendels? I have all their albums!

I Hate It When He's Right

Greg: How are you going to take over the world without a ninja army? And don't say you're going to kill people with your mind, because I've seen it, and it doesn't work.
Me: *concentrate*
Greg: See?
Me: Damnit!

The Typo...

...that tells you it's time to go home: Korean Wart Veterans.

Possible New Blog Title

Mike: This you needed to write down?

Boom!

Me: We had a cardamom explosion at home.
Mike: Is that the world's worst Ben & Jerry's flavor?
Erica: Cardabomb!

Webster's 11th Collegiate

Mike: Dude, is that the dictionary with f***in' "irregardless?"

Mame

Mike: If anyone can coax the blues right out of the horn, it's Christine Baranski, goddamnit.

Njera

Mike: Did you have the sponge bread?
Me: We tried.
Mike: You made it?
Me: Yeah.
Mike: You know, you can buy it.
Me: Not in Odenton.
Mike: At the Whole Foods.
Me: No Whole Foods in Odenton.
Mike: At little, like, markets.
Me: Not in Odenton.
Mike: Use pita!

I am Zoog of Tyvek!

Erica: God, the last thing Tadd needs is a mythology.

Tune Title Most Likely to Be a Euphemism

"Watering the Periwinkles" by Hardy Schneiders