Hail to the Chief Remix

Me: Some woman wrote to us looking for a recording of “the long version” of Hail to the Chief.

Mike B: What, the one with the bridge and the big open section?

We Assume They Meant "Oversaw"

Award Citation: …he overlooked all aspects of [project]…

Me: Man, I overlook stuff all the time and I never get an award for it.

LT: I know! Me, too!

Mannheim Steamroller for Concert Band

Arranger 1: That’s an extremely well-polished turd.

Arranger 2: That’s what we do best!

Traditional Thanksgiving Conversation

Alex: I move that the bitter recrimination begins now.
Me: Seconded.
Austin, weeping: Is that a simple majority or a two-thirds majority?

No One is Safe!

Me: Run for your lives! Actually, no, unplug everything first and THEN run for your lives!

David: Where could you run to that NSA wouldn’t find you? Time to get out the trusty aluminum foil hat.

Dance Lesson

Greg: What kind of dance do you do to a waltz?
Me: A waltz.
Greg: Explain.
Me: Step step step, step step step, step step step, step step step.
Greg, suspiciously: Hmmm.

Belated Oktoberfest Post

Me: Oh, man! What's the chance of running into a guy wearing a beef log shirt while you're trying to remember the words to the beef log song?!
Greg: I don't know, but you're pretty drunk.

Quite

Eddie: She pacifically told me they were in the libary.

So Close

COL H: Playin’ Minesweeper?

Me: Nah, I’ve been fielding phone calls from LT Toven.

COL H: Wantin’ to borrow something, I bet.

Me: Yep.

COL H: I hope you told him “No, sir.”

Me: Well, I told him “no.”

COL H: Well, that’s half right.

When People Ask "How's Married Life," I Assume This Is What They Mean

Greg's New All-Purpose Argument Ender: Yeah, well, I think you are mistaken about reality.

Sarah's New All-Purpose Argument Ender: I assert you are a twit. Discuss.

Tonight's iTunes Cover Searches

All the Young Dudes
Crazy Train
Hooked on a Feeling
We're Not Gonna Take It
Song 2
Centerfold
Sir Duke
Video Killed the Radio Star
Black Hole Sun
Santeria
More Human than Human
Insane in the Brain
Baba O'Riley*
25 or 6 to 4
Feelin' Stronger Every Day
Wild Mountain Honey
Dude (Looks Like a Lady)
Love in an Elevator
Cochise
Epic
Lust for Life
Closer
Head Like a Hole
Freak on a Leash
Rock the Casbah*
Hollaback Girl

*particularly successful

If we're lucky, a year from now we'll have no idea what this conversation was about.

Mike: You can’t has.

Me: Does want!

Mike: The only way to combat lolcats is with Broccoli Dog.

Me: Or limecat.

Mike: No, limecat is part of the problem.

Me: Oolong, then.

Mike: Yes, the rabbit is fine, but only because it looks as though it could fly into a killing rage at any minute.

"These Boots," as interpreted by Jessica Simpson

Me: It's unlistenable!
Greg: True! And yet we have to listen!

What is Jazz?

Me: It sounds like he's killing a pig.
Greg: That's beautiful.
Me: That's jazz.
Greg: That is jazz. Jazz is pig death.

Logic

Me: I thought Martians were small and gray-green.

David: It’s pretty sunny there. People that live in sunny places are brown. Martians = brown.

Me: It’s too far from the sun. People who freeze turn blue. Martians = blue.

David: Alright, summer highs are only 20 Celsius. That’s not real warm, but there’s no cloud cover to speak of. Martians = brown on the outside, blue in the middle. The way I like my cheese.

I was going to paraphrase this, but quoting is so much more effective

Notice in local paper: If you have absolutely no phone and no internet access during all of the open season, contact redacted@redacted.gov and arrangements can be made for enrollments.

Thus, to paraphrase anyway, “If you can’t email us, please email us.”

Halo Suite, grade 3, arr. Ralph Ford

Me: It’s barely recognizable.

David: Yeah, but it does make me want to frag aliens.

Perhaps I Will Come Up With a Snappier Title Once the Shock Wears Off

Librarian 1: Can I help you find something?
Me: Yes. I need an AACR2.
Librarian 1: *blank stare* Is that...a book?
Me: Yes.
Librarian 1: Um... *typing* I don't see anything.
Me: Really.
Librarian 1: Does it...stand for something?
Me: Anglo-American Cataloging...something.
Librarian 1: Anglo-American!
Me: Yes. *having found photocopy of title page* Here: Anglo-American Cataloging Rules.
Librarian 1: Um... *typing* I don't think we have one in circulation.
Me: It wouldn't circulate. It would be reference. Reference for...well, you.
Librarian 1: *looking helpless* Maybe when Librarian 2 gets off the phone...I mean...we don't really catalog here...maybe when Librarian 2 gets off the phone...
Me: Okay.
Librarian 2: What's up?
Librarian 1: Have you ever heard of something called Anglo-American Cataloging Rules?
Librarian 2: Um... I've heard of it. I don't think I've ever seen one. We don't really catalog here.
Librarian 1: That's what I told her!
Me: Okay.
Librarian 2: Um...is it online?
Me: With a subscription.
Librarian 2: Oh. We...don't really catalog here.
Librarian 1: Yeah.

A Visit from St. Nicholass

Me: His dimples, how merry!

Mike: His cheeks were like roses!