With great power comes the obligation to dismiss people early

Loran: This is my first chance to be magnanimous, so take advantage of it.

Get us, bein' all topical and stuff

Mike: I'm not sure that goring is legal in football.
Me: Damnit, first that useless pass interference rule, now no goring? Where's the sport, I ask you!
Mike: Next thing you know, they'll take away our handguns!
Me: What's this country coming to?
Mike: It's the Communo-Fascist Terrorist Muslims in the government, I tell ya.
Me: We should all move to Iran, one of the most democratic countries in the world! According to them!
Mike: Plus, bonus: no gays!
Me: According to them!
Mike: Well, and why would they lie? That nice Mahmoud has such an honest face.
Me: And he's willing to stay in a normal hotel room. Unlike some.
Mike: Exactly. He's so down-to-earth and charming, it's easy to ignore the Holocaust denying. Everybody has flaws.

Nature/Nurture

Matt: I do some bone-headed guy things sometimes, but dude, some guys make guys look bad. I want to say, did your mama raise you, or were you raised by two dudes?
Me: Nah, two dudes would do it better.
Matt: No, not like gay dudes, like...
Me: Two asshats?
Matt: Exactly. You know what they say, asshats beget asshats.

The Contractors Finally Left

Matt: They did leave two ladders and a hammer.
Me: Maybe we can fix the light.
Matt: You want to fix the light with a hammer?
Me: Sure. Why not?
Matt: I can do that. There are two things I, as a man, can do: use a hammer and grill meat.

Moving

Me: We haven't unpacked any computers yet.
Mike: *spit take* No computers?! My god, woman! How do you live?

User Error

Marva: It's a good thing the copier can't talk. It'd be all "Oh hell no, don't you be looking at me like that, like I'm the idiot. You're the idiot." You'd get anywhere near it and you'd hear "Oh no, here it comes again."

Crap

Matt: You know what they say, crap wrapped in gold is gold crap. Actually they don’t say that. I just made it up. But you can sell your gold crap.

Me: It’s worth its weight in gold.

 

Explanation

Vinnie: I love to do that, just to give people cause to say "Why'd you do that?"