Plenary Session, excerpt 1

Now we come to two works published by Chester. And with apologies to representatives here from Music Sales, it must be acknowledged that the engravers and copyists working for Chester in the 10 to 15 years after WWI, well let’s just say those boys and girls hit the pub early and often.
--Ronald Whitaker, Principal Librarian, The Cleveland Orchestra

You Don't Often Hear

Me: Dude, this Newburg is the shiznit.

From my series...

...of conversations that don't happen elsewhere in the Army:

SFC: You need this Super Trooper?
COL: Nah. You?
SFC: Yeah, I need me some brown boots.
COL: Knock yourself out.

Previously in the series:

SSG: *puts brownie on LTC's desk*
LTC: What's this?
SSG: A brownie.
LTC: Why do you do this to me?
SSG: I'm fattening you up so I can kill you and eat you.
LTC: Well, at least you're honest.

Pressure

Matt: All I have to do now is [list]
Me: And all that without weeping openly. I think that's the real issue.
Matt: Who's got time to weep?

TGIF

Beth: Nobody told me I was going to be in charge. I'm kind of feeling the 59-minute rule.
Sarah: I'm kind of feeling casual Friday. But that's because I'm still wearing casual Friday.
Beth: I'm feeling that, too.
Sarah: Try to feel the 119-minute rule.
Beth: I'll see what I can do.

How 'bout that fog?

Me: How 'bout that fog!?
Greg: How 'bout that fog!
Me: Who said that?
Greg: *silence*
Me: You're trying to gaslight me, aren't you?

Email of the Day. So Far. In Toto.

LT: Saxes? GOD FORBID!!!

This Phrase Pleases Me

"Boston Symphony Softball Team"

Didn't get the Humor Gene

Chris: I told you before, it's genetic. It's funny in our heads, and then it comes out and it's not funny anymore.

Aha!

Beth: That sounds way better than with the headphones!
Chris: See, air does do something!

Granted

Beth: I heard that, smart ass!
Chris: Better'n being a dumb ass.

Backpedaling

Me: Did you see how clever it made you look?
Greg: No.
Me: Not half as clever as you are.
Greg: Ah.
Me: You know, as covers go, that was one of my better ones.

iTunes

Me: So who is this?
Greg: Faith No More. At the height of their weirdness.
Me: Is that the name of the album?
Greg: No.
Me: Should it be?
Greg: Possibly.
Me: That can be the name of your tribute album.
Greg: Excellent.
Me: Because I knew you were struggling for a name for it.
Greg: True.
Me: Are you at the height of your weirdness?
Greg: Yes!
Me: I hadn't noticed.
Greg: It's very subtle. Actually I may be on the decline.
Me: That's sad.
Greg: Thank you.

Reactions to the Stapler in Jell-O

COL: What's that?
Me: It's a stapler in Jell-O.
COL: Well, obviously it's a stapler in Jell-O. I don't know why I asked. But is it art?

Aaron: I think...well, why is it a stapler in Jell-O?
Me: Because.
Aaron: Right. Okay.

Mark S: Is there a story behind that?
Me: Not that I know of.
Mark S: Well. Okay, then.

Joel: Is that Jell-O?
Me: Yes.
Joel: Yay! *jumps up and down to make floor shake*

Jeff: Awesome.

Mike B: So did it break apart, or have people been eating it?
Me: It broke apart.
Mike B: Thank God.

LT: So...
Me: It's a stapler in Jell-O.
LT: Of course it is. Where did it come from?
Me: Erica.
LT: I should have known that.

Todd: What's that?
Me: It's a stapler in Jell-O.
Todd: That's awesome. It's like art.

Mark R: It can't be art. It's not offensive to anyone. It needs to have, like, little plastic Jesus and Mohammed figurines stuck in it.

Jackie: It looks...so...bad!

Sentences I Don't Want To Hear The Rest Of

SGM McGhee (to SGM Schultz): So if you give me a massage here...

You gotta take the openings the world gives you, 3rd ed.

Scott: Is this the COL's study box?
Me: Yes.
Scott: It looks so small!
Erica: That's what she said!

The Sicut cervus problem explained

Steve: ...and then I forgot how to read music in the middle of it. "What are these dots and lines?"
Susan: "Is it some kind of code?"
Steve: "What could it mean?"

Too Easy

Steve: Damn I'm good.
Susan: Are you? Coulda fooled me.

False Start

Steve: Uch...the Sicut cervus...
Me: I think you mean Sicut sicut cervus.
Steve: More like "Sicut ce--sicut cervus."
Me: "See cootch?" You can't say that in church!
Steve: Do you think they were even listening?
Me: God is always listening. He heard you say "see cootch" in His house!

Comedy Memo Excerpt

Need to submit dollar figures for FY06 budget information and FY07 budget projections. Even if you have previously submitted FY06 figures, please review them to ensure accuracy. I know of at least one that is likely incorrect (I know times are rough, but I doubt that anyone's budget was only $198.00 this year). Thanks.

You gotta take the openings the world gives you, 2nd ed.

David: Aw, I have to ride with the girls?
Mikki: You are a girl.
David: I am what I eat!
Me: Dude, you've been waiting since junior high to use that, haven't you?

Security

Me: Did I leave that window open all night? I suck!
Shari: It's still hot in here.
Me: Okay, maybe I don't suck so bad, then.

Faith No More

Me: Can you dress up a dead man?
Greg: No, I can't dress up a dead man.
Me: Can you...
Greg: No, I can't bring him back to life.
Me: Aw, man.

Expectation of Excitement

Greg: It was weird. I don't understand why everyone was so boring...okay, maybe that's not an exception...but I do expect a little more interest.

3-CD Shuffle

Me: This doesn't sound like race music or heist music.
Greg: Are you sure it's Yello?
Me: It ain't the Jackson 5.
Greg: And it doesn't sound like TMBG. Or children's music.
Me: No. Unless you're Brian Eno's children.
Greg: And then you just say, "Daddy, why do we have to listen to this?"
Me: "I feel like I'm in an airport." "Hey, thanks, honey!"

Comparison

Me: How do you like having a conversation and having it immediately appear on the web?
Greg: It's a little disturbing.
Me: It's like datamining, only less insidious. Well...maybe the same amount of insidious.
Greg, cheerfully: Certainly not any more insidious!
Me: Okay, now I have to write that down.

Grandma's Pork Roll

Me: So, about dinner.
Greg: Yes?
Me: When I was a child...
Greg: oh dear.
Me: ...I was led to believe, probably by my mother, that when Grandma made pork roll, it was a big deal. Cause for celebration. Only for special occasions. So I just made it. It's one step more elaborate than meatloaf, and the ingredients cost less than $3.50.
Greg: Aw, how's disillusionment, Sarah?

Broken Suspension

David: Dude, look at that guy's rear wheel.
Me: That's what you get for having a fat girlfriend.
David: Nah, cheap after-market parts.
Me: ...and a fat girlfriend.

Pl4nz

Me: What are we doing tomorrow? Oh, I remember.
Greg: We have plans.
Me: Yes, with a Z.
Steve: Ooh!
Me: And a 4.
Steve: You're that 1337.
Greg: 1337 defines us. Or rather, we define 1337.
Steve: You pwn 1337, to some extent.

Basic Necessities

Greg: Dude! I have a 35-pound cymbal-playing monkey right now! I don't need anything else!

FYI

https://www.delta.com/traveling_checkin/baggage/special_baggage/fragile_bulky/antlers/index.jsp

Everyone Knows it was Larry

What they meant: ...would like to remain anonymous.
What they typed: ...would like remain anonymous.
What we parsed: ...would, like, remain anonymous.

The Stifling Girlfriend

Me: You've got to stop throwing cats into the river.
Greg: You never let me do anything fun!