Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Hey, World, Guess What!
Recruiting email: Current Shortages include: Military Intelligence...
Mike: *snort* You'd think they'd want to keep that a little quiet.
Mike: *snort* You'd think they'd want to keep that a little quiet.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
The Fitness Gap
Mike: Dude, guys don't even know half the time when they've lost weight. But it's okay, because they also don't know when they've gained it. Until their pants don't fit anymore. Not that they won't go right on wearing them.
Boy Theatre Genius!
Me: That's a 1940's comic book not waiting to happen.
Mike: Hilarious. Who would his side-kick be--or rather the hero to whom he is side-kick? "Cole Porter: Ultra-Fop!" or perhaps "The Gershwinian: Protector of Pianists!"
Me: Irving the Berlinator!
Mike: I'm totally out of mid-century composers already.
Me: I've been trying to make a "Tin Pan Allez" joke, but I got nothing. Maybe it could be their battle cry.
Mike: It's very funny, except for the fact that it involves French. And a pun. Are French puns more or less acceptable than English puns?
Me: That's a question I hoped never to ponder.
Mike: Hilarious. Who would his side-kick be--or rather the hero to whom he is side-kick? "Cole Porter: Ultra-Fop!" or perhaps "The Gershwinian: Protector of Pianists!"
Me: Irving the Berlinator!
Mike: I'm totally out of mid-century composers already.
Me: I've been trying to make a "Tin Pan Allez" joke, but I got nothing. Maybe it could be their battle cry.
Mike: It's very funny, except for the fact that it involves French. And a pun. Are French puns more or less acceptable than English puns?
Me: That's a question I hoped never to ponder.
Job Security
Scott: It's printing upside-down on the back.
Me: Ah, yeah...remember yesterday when I showed you how to fix that?
Scott: You did it so fast, I didn't see what you did.
Me: That's how I maintain my value.
Me: Ah, yeah...remember yesterday when I showed you how to fix that?
Scott: You did it so fast, I didn't see what you did.
Me: That's how I maintain my value.
Douglas Coupland (Again)
Mike: I'm so glad he's working.
Me: ...elsewhere.
Mike: Yeah, the British can have totally him. Although he's running out of English-speaking countries. I guess Australia is next.
Me: Sure would be a shame if a shark got 'im. Yep. Damn shame.
Mike: I hear they got a whole lot of deadly poisonous reptiles and insects down there. Maybe we should book him on a tour of the Outback. Ya know, as a present.
Me: That's thoughtful, that is.
Mike: We're very appreciative of his work. Perhaps a bottle of raw-meat scented cologne would go nice as well.
Me: Or a big jar of honey and a big jar of ants.
Mike: The stinging is how they tell him they want to be his special friend.
Me: Venom = love. Remember that for Valentine's Day.
Mike: Here, honey, I got you this diamond...back!
Me: ...elsewhere.
Mike: Yeah, the British can have totally him. Although he's running out of English-speaking countries. I guess Australia is next.
Me: Sure would be a shame if a shark got 'im. Yep. Damn shame.
Mike: I hear they got a whole lot of deadly poisonous reptiles and insects down there. Maybe we should book him on a tour of the Outback. Ya know, as a present.
Me: That's thoughtful, that is.
Mike: We're very appreciative of his work. Perhaps a bottle of raw-meat scented cologne would go nice as well.
Me: Or a big jar of honey and a big jar of ants.
Mike: The stinging is how they tell him they want to be his special friend.
Me: Venom = love. Remember that for Valentine's Day.
Mike: Here, honey, I got you this diamond...back!
Be Careful What You Wish For
Joel: Know why I'm so excited?
Me: No.
Joel: My daughter's looking at a house tonight, and it's three blocks from me.
Me: Man, you'll be babysitters for life.
Joel: I hope so!!!
Me: No.
Joel: My daughter's looking at a house tonight, and it's three blocks from me.
Me: Man, you'll be babysitters for life.
Joel: I hope so!!!
If, Then
Me: You know why my feet hurt so much?
Greg: Why?
Me: Because I'm so friggin' fat.
Greg: Man, causality's a bitch.
Greg: Why?
Me: Because I'm so friggin' fat.
Greg: Man, causality's a bitch.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
(Revised)
Beth: I'm not dating these changes because it's still today.
Me: Then you need to time-stamp them.
Beth: Oh, shut up.
Me: Then you need to time-stamp them.
Beth: Oh, shut up.
I Can't Win!
COL: Sarah!
Me: Hey, sir. Uh...my grad school application is due next Friday.
COL: Next Friday.
Me: When you're out of town. Have you had a chance to...
COL: Believe it or not, it's on my calendar: Sarah Recommendation, today, three o'clock.
Me: I believe it.
COL: Of course, I've bumped it back for three days straight...
Me: Well, I'm just going to not nag, then. *attempt to flee*
COL: Wait a minute, what's this leave form? Twenty-nine days?
Me: Uh...yes, sir.
COL: Where the hell are you going?
Me: Oh, gosh. Denmark, Sweden, Poland, Germany, Estonia, Russia...
COL: Okay, well, obviously, we need to see if...if we can live without you for that long.
Me: Oh, man! For the letter, I need you to think you can't survive without me, and for the leave form, I need you to think it's no big deal if I disappear for a month.
COL: Heh.
Me: Hey, sir. Uh...my grad school application is due next Friday.
COL: Next Friday.
Me: When you're out of town. Have you had a chance to...
COL: Believe it or not, it's on my calendar: Sarah Recommendation, today, three o'clock.
Me: I believe it.
COL: Of course, I've bumped it back for three days straight...
Me: Well, I'm just going to not nag, then. *attempt to flee*
COL: Wait a minute, what's this leave form? Twenty-nine days?
Me: Uh...yes, sir.
COL: Where the hell are you going?
Me: Oh, gosh. Denmark, Sweden, Poland, Germany, Estonia, Russia...
COL: Okay, well, obviously, we need to see if...if we can live without you for that long.
Me: Oh, man! For the letter, I need you to think you can't survive without me, and for the leave form, I need you to think it's no big deal if I disappear for a month.
COL: Heh.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Monday, January 22, 2007
The Rambler
Doug: How much can I give you to erase that message I just left you?
Me: I haven't even listened to it.
Doug: Maybe it's not money that you want...
Me: See, now I have to listen to my voice mail. I was just going to let it ferment.
Doug: Oh, man. Let's just say I was sufficiently embarassed when I hung up the phone.
Me: I haven't even listened to it.
Doug: Maybe it's not money that you want...
Me: See, now I have to listen to my voice mail. I was just going to let it ferment.
Doug: Oh, man. Let's just say I was sufficiently embarassed when I hung up the phone.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Level 1 Awareness Training
Mr. Laird: *walk through library*
Me: See, I was aware of that.
Mr. Laird: It's a good thing we trained you. I noticed the difference right away.
Me: See, I was aware of that.
Mr. Laird: It's a good thing we trained you. I noticed the difference right away.
Drug of Choice
Me: All God's chillun love penicillin. Hey, that rhymes!
Greg: All God's chillun love insulillin.
Me: No, they don't.
Greg: But insulillin's the shiznillin!
Me: Shut up.
Greg: All God's chillun love insulillin.
Me: No, they don't.
Greg: But insulillin's the shiznillin!
Me: Shut up.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Criteria
Wally: It's a good day: I learned something.
Me: Hooray!
Wally: And not only that, I yelled at somebody, too!
Me: Hooray!
Me: Hooray!
Wally: And not only that, I yelled at somebody, too!
Me: Hooray!
Anchors Aweigh, Barkeep!
Me: Hey, you know the B section of the Navy hymn?
Beth: No.
Me: Heave a ho there sailor, everybody drink up while you may
Heave a ho there sailor, for you're gonna sail at break of day
Drink away, drink away, for you sail at break of day, hey!
Beth: That's probably why we don't know it.
Me: You reckon?
Beth: No.
Me: Heave a ho there sailor, everybody drink up while you may
Heave a ho there sailor, for you're gonna sail at break of day
Drink away, drink away, for you sail at break of day, hey!
Beth: That's probably why we don't know it.
Me: You reckon?
Friday, January 12, 2007
A Choice
Me: Do you have something hip planned for the evening, or can you mop the kitchen floor?
Greg: Aw, man!
Me: Hey, you could've said you had something hip planned.
Greg: I have something hip planned.
Me: Yeah? What?
Greg: Uh...
Me: Think fast.
Greg: Aw, man!
Me: Hey, you could've said you had something hip planned.
Greg: I have something hip planned.
Me: Yeah? What?
Greg: Uh...
Me: Think fast.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Joint Concert
COL: That'll be a nice tune to do down with Dallas. See if we can do some structural damage to their hall.
Me: Man, I remember doing 1812 with them, with six tubas pointed at my head.
COL: Who won?
Me: The tubas.
Me: Man, I remember doing 1812 with them, with six tubas pointed at my head.
COL: Who won?
Me: The tubas.
Protests
Mike: I oppose this war, and I have decided that I am going to eat a delicious, crispy Kit Kat for every day that it continues! Bring the troops home! *munch*
Me: Each of these Skittles represents an Afghan orphan!
Mike: This 7 day protest-cruise may appear to be a wonderful tropical vacation, but each morning at the buffet I weep for those brave Americans suffering from PTSD. And the number is constantly growing. Ooh, shrimp! I mean...*sob*
Me: Spa Sit-In Continues: organizers demand a pedicure to symbolize each amputee.
Mike: Today we stand together against the murder of animals for vanity, as we buy up all of these gorgeous, luxurious furs on sale for 50% off!
Me: We refuse all Chinese food until the brave people of Tibet are afforded their God-given freedom. Until then, sushi!
Mike: I will remain locked here in this luxury penthouse suite with only room-service to sustain me until the unlawfully imprisoned members of the Falun Gong are released.
Me: These brave men pledge to smoke a Cuban cigar every day until the prisoners at Guantanamo are released!
Me: Each of these Skittles represents an Afghan orphan!
Mike: This 7 day protest-cruise may appear to be a wonderful tropical vacation, but each morning at the buffet I weep for those brave Americans suffering from PTSD. And the number is constantly growing. Ooh, shrimp! I mean...*sob*
Me: Spa Sit-In Continues: organizers demand a pedicure to symbolize each amputee.
Mike: Today we stand together against the murder of animals for vanity, as we buy up all of these gorgeous, luxurious furs on sale for 50% off!
Me: We refuse all Chinese food until the brave people of Tibet are afforded their God-given freedom. Until then, sushi!
Mike: I will remain locked here in this luxury penthouse suite with only room-service to sustain me until the unlawfully imprisoned members of the Falun Gong are released.
Me: These brave men pledge to smoke a Cuban cigar every day until the prisoners at Guantanamo are released!
Monday, January 08, 2007
Friday, January 05, 2007
Seating Arrangements
Juan: I wonder if they make the Republicans sit on the right, and the Democrats on the left.
Me: They probably mix them up so they can all glare at each other.
Juan: And fight over the armrests! "This is mine, damnit!"
Me: They probably mix them up so they can all glare at each other.
Juan: And fight over the armrests! "This is mine, damnit!"
...Page Two!
Steve: We shouldn't break between videntes and stellam.
Me: Having seen...*long pause*...the star...
John: Thank you, Paul Harvey.
Me: Having seen...*long pause*...the star...
John: Thank you, Paul Harvey.
Ah, Family Vacations
Dan: I told Debbie, "Don't ever make me do this again." I'm retired from spelunking. *pause* I'm also retired from riding a donkey.
What the Blue Lapel Pins Mean
Erica: They're on the blue shuttle bus.
Me: It's a radon detector.
Erica: They're having the veal.
Me: It's a radon detector.
Erica: They're having the veal.
This is what passes for humor around here
Clerk: Do you have a specific date you want the flag flown?
Retiree: I can pick a date? Tell 'em I want it on the fourth of July.
Both: *raucous laughter*
Retiree: I can pick a date? Tell 'em I want it on the fourth of July.
Both: *raucous laughter*
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