Tune Title Most Likely to Be a Euphemism

"Watering the Periwinkles" by Hardy Schneiders

The Norman Rockwell Code

Me: Was that not a better Don Knotts than you're used to expecting?
Mike: I'm not sure that's a phrase I can be at peace with.

Double Entendre

IW: Is that why there's a drip in the colonel's office?

That's a Nice Word For It

Me: ...and I said, "surely he hasn't worked there that long," and he said "Man, he's been there since Jesus was in knickers."

Greg: That's...picturesque.

As Long As It's Not Our Fault

Publisher: We want to use excerpts of a work tape you made of one of our songs, in a sampler to advertize that song. How do we get permission to use the recording?

Me: Technically you don't have to. It's part of the public record, so the only protected element is your tune.
Publisher: That's what I thought. But this CD--it looks really informal, and it says "not for broadcast" and...
Me: Yeah, that's for your protection, not ours. It's so you don't get screwed.
Publisher: But we get screwed all the time!
Me: Sure, but not by us.
Publisher: Got it.

Drip

Me: Oh, Shari Shari Shari Shari Shari.
Shari: What?
Me: You're going to have a bad, bad rehearsal.
Shari: How do you know?
Me: COL has a leak in his office, dripping into a bucket. Which means COL has a recurring sound over which he has no control.

Shari: Ooh. That's bad.
Me: That is bad.
Shari: Now I really don't want to play second today. I'll be closer to the line of fire.

Or Is It?

Greg: There you are.
Me: I was just adding you to my blog.
Greg: Damnit! Oh...no, wait...that's good.

So Close, and Yet...

Greg: If there were two more of us, we could be Weezer!

And After That, I Forbade Him to Speak

Me: You're Mister No-Fun. Or rather Doctor No-Fun.
Greg: I'm Doctor Killjoy, the nemesis of Doctor Feelgood.

Another I Wasn't There For

Erica: So don't you want to eat the donuts when you pick them up every morning?
Carl: No, they send me for donuts because I'm like Frodo with the ring. I'm the only one who won't try anything.

Investment Advice

Greg: I'm going to defer to you on this one.
Me: Yeah, 'cuz I have the "For Dummies" book, so obviously I know more.

Interview with the Composer Scoring Da Vinci Code

Interviewer: Have you read it?
Hans Zimmer: Of course. I spend a lot of time on airplanes.

Better Off Not Knowing

Steve: That bathroom needs a big "EXHIBITIONISTS WELCOME" banner outside.
Me: Does it have a window?
Steve: Huge, huge window, right out onto the parking lot. And if you're five years old, like me, and you drop your pants around your ankles to pee...
Susan: We have a guy at work that does that. Ask me how I know.
John: We'd rather not, thanks.

When hearts are high, the time will fly!

Me: I need this stamp on the bottom of the cover and first page of music of each part, and this stamp on the top of the cover and first page of music of each part.

IW: Is there a song we sing while we do this?
Me: No, we just rest in the knowledge that the stamping sound annoys the heck out of the colonel.
IW: That'll do.

At Uncle Willlard's 90th Birthday Party

Louise: I have to get your new phone number. I called the wrong one and got some weird person.
Willard: You could've gotten that even if you had the right number.

Office Supply Storage

Mike B: Where would I find a Sharpie?
Me: I think there's one in my pocket.
Mike B: I wouldn't have thought to look there.

Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones, part 2

Computer Game: All you do is taunt and insult me!
Me: All you do is taunt and insult me!
Greg: You say it again, like it'll change something.
Computer Game: I've put up with you for entirely too long.
Greg: I've put up with you for entirely too long.

Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones

Computer Game: Enough! All you do is taunt and insult me!
Me: All you do is taunt and insult me!
Greg: I know! Isn't it great?

Fine, You Can Be 200th

Sarah: Oh man, did you see that thing on the birdhouse? It's a big ol' cross.
Greg: Well, of course. God loves people who let the birds know they're Christian.
Sarah: "God loves people who let the birds know they're Christian?" What does that even mean?
Greg: Exactly what it says!
Sarah: You are trying to be the 200th post, aren't you?

Basic Training Conversation Of Which I Was Just Reminded

DS Seidel: How come no one on this side has anything to contribute?
Me: I raised my hand earlier, drill sergeant.
DS Seidel: Well, what?
Me: Oh, it's moot now, drill sergeant.
DS Seidel: It's what?
Me: Moot, drill sergeant.
DS Bates: He's eleven bravo, Anderson.
Me: Ah. Um, I forgot what I was going to say, drill sergeant.
DS Seidel: That's what I thought.

Let's Be Clear: He Wasn't Talking to Me

Greg (to computer game): Stop giving me stupid blue balls!
Me: Ha! Guess who's gonna be on the blog!
Greg: Damnit! I forgot the blog! Otherwise I would have watched what I was saying!

Busy, Busy, Busy!

Me: Have you seen the Pantone sample books? I need to match ink to my fabric swatch.
Beth: Are you working on your wedding stuff at work?
Me: Yep.
Beth: I don't want to hear that!
Me: Yeah, because nobody else ever did that.
Beth: Yeah, like me.

Invisibility

Me: Stop turning on that cloaking device!
Beth: I wish I had one!

Handyman Talk

Me: What's that ticking?
Dad: I don't know. I usually just turn up the radio.
Me: That solves every problem.
Dad: No, some problems are solved with WD-40, and some are solved with duct tape.
Me: And some are solved with bleach. But mostly just smells.

Danger!

Greg: Can I be the 9-Megaton Man?
Me: Is that a fart joke?
Greg: No. But it works pretty well as one.

The Buck Stops...Over There!

Me: He was trying to pass off on me the stuff I'm trying to pass off on him!
Gene: Next time, I'll wear my disguise!

How To Know Your Report on the Illegality of Scanning Music Hasn' t Been Read

IW: I've enjoyed reading your report. Do you have any brass quintet pdfs we can use?

Mary

Carol: Is she?
Dad: Mary? What?
Carol: Merry!
Dad: Mary?
Carol: No, I mean like, is she happy and gay?
Don: She's not gay. She's married to Warren.

If you smoke, smoke salmon

Carol: Do you still smoke pheasant?
Dad: No.
Don: I do, but I don't inhale.

85%-Off Sale

Carol: I got you a shirt and some sweaters. They practically paid me to take them away.
Don: I have a few too many shirts already.
Carol: I knew you'd say that.
Don: I knew you knew I'd say that. That's why I said it.
Me: You didn't have to. You could have saved your energy.
Carol: He's got a shirt with banjos on it. That you don't have to iron!
Don: So I can keep my banjo and you can give away your irons!

It's Sarah, dangit!

Dad: She hates it when I call her Penny.
Carol: I don't know why.
Don: I hate it when you call me Penny.
Greg: I don't know why!

Banjo Bartering

Carol: Take the banjo!
Dad: Why?
Carol: Put it in an auction!
Don: Hey! I want to keep that!
Carol: Why?
Don: I may want to play it! Why don't you take an iron? You have two irons. One's still in the box.
Carol: I haven't used it yet!
Don: You want to give away my banjo, I can give away your iron. If I had two banjos I might consider it.

Heritage

Carol: These are your roots, kid. Laugh all you want.

Eine Kleine Nachtmusik

Me: It's the overplayed classics CD!
Dad: It used to be the underplayed classics CD, but we played it too much. You know, when people say they like classical music, this is what they're talking about.
Me: Possibly this very song. No, they're talking about Pachelbel Canon.
Penny: That's one of my favorites.
Me: QED.

So Close

Dad: Minnie's a nice dog. She never barks. She only has grange. Grunge? Grange?
Greg: Mange.

Friday Afternoon

IW 1: Well, I guess I'm gonna go pretend to do some work.
IW 2: Yeah? I'm gonna play FreeCell.

Deleted Mail

October 2005...
Me: Luckily, I happen to be able to read this notice. Otherwise, it doesn't do anyone any good: "La version anglaise du site des Editions Henry Lemoine est a present disponible: www.henry-lemoine.com/en."
Mike: Funny. But I do see that on a lot of English websites: "Click here for Swahili."
Me: Now available in Dutch!
Mike: Urgent message for our Korean readers!
Me: Click here to have this sentence translated into English.

Schrödinger's Dishwasher

Me: Is it clean or dirty?
Greg: We can never know!!!

You gotta take the openings the world gives you, 4th ed

LT: *huge guffawing laugh*
Me: Quiet! This is a library!
LT: Sorry. It's just...Mr. Laird...we were having some trouble today...
Me: With your organ. I heard.
LT: Right. So you can imagine the presciption medicine ads he just sent me.
Me: Ah. Well, better luck with your organ tomorrow.
LT: Thank you. I think we...
Me: Got your organ straightened out?
LT: Uh, yeah.
Me: I'm gonna go now.
LT: Okay, bye!

Fair Warning

IW: Hey Sarge, just so you know, I'm not wearing any socks.

Saw THAT Coming

LT: I see you're busy...
Me: If you say "Aaron Copland," someone's going to get hurt.

Help

Dave: D'you need any help?
Me: Mm...not really. Unless you can make the refrigerator bigger.
Dave: Hm...
Me: You know, with mind power.
Dave: Have you tried inflating it?

Making an Ass of 'U' and Me

IW: Is your husband a physicist?
Me: No.
IW: I mean your fiance?
Me: No. He's a mathematician.
IW: But...the physics books...
Me: Oh, those are mine.

On Martha Stewart Weddings

Symmonie (Matron of Honor): That thing is like crack for brides.
Mariama (Bridesmaid): The day of my sister's wedding, I was there with the Martha Stewart Weddings making one of the flower arrangements in it.

Deleted Mail

September 2005...
Me: Why spy day at Hershey Park? Because Hershey is everywhere. The question is, who's controlling Disney and Coca-Cola? MI5? KGB?
Mike: Well, Disney is part of the Hollywood conspiracy of Jews, of course, but I can't speak to the rest. I assume the Saudis have a hand in there somewhere. But the KGB? Please.
Me: Is Coca-Cola al Qaida? I sure hope not.
Mike: No, but they might be the Christian Coalition. Which may well be worse.
Me: My diet Coke loves you. Unless you're gay.
Mike: My Orange Fanta believes that the moral fiber of the country is being destroyed by the liberal agenda.
Me: Mezzo Mix opposes gay marriage.
Mike: Diet Cherry Vanilla Caffiene-Free Coca-Cola thinks it's shameful that we're not teaching alternative theories in public school science programs.
Me: Coke Zero loves Fox News.
Mike: Mr. Pibb thinks you should put Jesus in your head.
Me: Diet Sprite Zero forgives you.
Mike: Powerade doesn't see anything wrong with posting the Ten Commandments in courthouses.
Me: Dasani flavored waters can, in a pinch, be used for communion.
Mike: No! Dasani hates the filthy papists!

Deleted Mail

September 2005...

Me: Did you see the life-sized chocolate Milton Hershey?
Mike: I did, but I blocked it out. It raped my brain.
Me: Ah, you've titled your autobiography, then: Milton Hershey Raped My Brain.

Deleted Mail

September [19], 2005

Me: It's Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arr.
Mike B: Did I get out of the Navy?

Deleted Mail

September 2005...

Me: We just got some music in from BVD Press. Clearly, a publisher exclusively of music written while the composer was in his skivvies.

Deleted Mail

August 2005...

Mike: Next time, it's Easter Parade...of DOOM!
Me: *tick* *tick* *boom* went the trolley!

Find Something You Love to Do

Joren: I'll be back later for more work.
Me: There's always more work.
Joren: Heavy lifting, you say?
Me: I'm probably going to put off the heavy lifting in favor of tedious and soul-sucking tasks.
Joren: Chris has volunteered.
Me: For the tedious and soul-sucking tasks?
Joren: That's his specialty.
Me: I can see it on his face.
Joren: That was his minor in college.
Chris: It's true.

Deleted Mail

From August 2005...

Me: TUSAB's doing Midwest this year, so the flood of perusals has started, but Midwest's mailing list is both old and incorrect, so it's combined COL Shelburne and COL Lamb into "COL Brian Lamb." The good part is, they know without opening it if a given package is just Midwest perusals.

COL: Thank goodness they're getting the boxes and not us. We'll be in the roation to receive the boxes again in a few years. I will be gone, but you won't be--heh heh heh!

Me: Right, so I can wallpaper your office with grade 1 scores without fear of discovery.

Because I Can

Me: I delare eminent domain on the copier!

Dealing with Non-Musicians

Trumpet player: Do we have music for [march]? Our quintet needs to play it this weekend and the POC said he had music. Turns out to be a drum part.

Guess You Better

SGM: Can I use your copier?
Me: Yes, you may. But you have to listen to my "Mustang Sally" story.
SGM: How did you know I was copying "Mustang Sally?!"
Me: It's in your hand. Anyway, there was this restaurant near where I grew up called Grandma Sally's, and every time we passed it we'd say "Guess you better slow your grandma down." Every time. And we laughed every time.

SGM: Some things never get old.
Me: Ayup.

The Great Photo Debate

IW: There are so many candids in the Encore. I wish there were more set-up shots, but I guess no one wants to take the time to set them up.

Me: To me, a set-up shot automatically seems really fake. "Here's a black kid, and a white kid, and an Asian kid, and me! Cheese!"

IW: Well, you could have fewer kids if one of them was female.

Chain of Command

LT: Is it quittin' time yet?
Me: Yes, sir!
LT: Yay! So if the colonel tries to talk to me, I'll say, "Sarah said I was good to go."
Me: Yes, sir. You're dismissed.

Poofreading

Me: So according to this fax from EEI, I have a confirmed reservation for "Advanced Gammar Roundtable."
Jenn: That's awesome.
Me: It made my day. I guess it's better than "Advanced Grammer Roundtable," where we'd sit around and talk about "Frasier" all day.

When Shall We Eat?

Me: Ah, this is the place I was looking for...and we'd better go early, because Karaoke starts at 9:30.
Greg: Oh Jesus.

Near the Stuffed Animal Bins at the Smithsonian Gift Shop

Child: Mommy, can I get an elephant?
Mommy: No, honey. But you can get a donkey.

"Fear"

Me: Did that just say "25 Zombies?"
Greg: Yes.
Me: That's awesome.

Shoulda Read the Fine Print

Emily: I don't like this song.
Me: You're not allowed to not like that song.
Joren: It's in your oath of enlistment. Didn't you know that?

The March Case

Me: It's time for the Box of Pain to come out.
Aaron: The box of...oh god.
Me: Yep.

Believe It!

Greg: I can procrastinate. Which is not just a statement of opportunity; it is a statement of capability.

Ain't it the truth

Greg: Besides, a little demagoguery can get you a long way.

Get Down Tonight

Dan: They wanted us to do the whole anthem again, but I said no, let's just do a little chant.
Steve: Do a little chant, make a little love...

Engagement Confusion

Myrna: Let me see the ring. Oh! It's beautiful!
Me: It's my mom's.
Keith: Was she on the trip?
Me: No.
John: You're marrying your dad?
Me: No.

Spellchecker Humor of the Moment

For "Korngold," suggests "Mongols."

Clink-mergency

German Librarian: *digs pair of finger cymbals out of huge purse, begins playing*
Spanish Librarian: You carry them with you?
GL: Sure! I have a lot of things in my purse.
SL: But...why?
GL: You never know when they might be useful. Sometimes our meetings are quite long.

Cheese-mergency

Host: You can leave your stuff on the bus if you want; it'll be locked.
Me: Ah, I don't have to drag my raclette around!
Kari: But what if you suddenly need it?!

Darn S-countries!

[Identity Withheld]: Welcome back! So, can you speak Swedish now?
Me: Um...it was Switzerland.
IW: Oh, I knew it was one of those S countries.

Souvenirs

Chris: Everyone expects chocolate. Our administrator was like, "You'd better bring me chocolate!"
Me: Get Lindt when you get home. "As far as you know, I brought you this from Switzerland."
Chris: Duty-free Toblerone!
Me: Perfect!

Engagement Non-Announcement

Shannon: I heard from people on tour. People on the other side of the country.
Jamila: I see you didn't send out a mass e-mail.
Me: No.
Jamila: I'm not happy with that.

He Doesn't Need Your Love

Ken Jennings: I was told I was talking too fast during the Trivia Challenge, so...I'm gonna do it again. Choke on it!

We Left Out "Jesus is F***in' Metal"

Me [and Christopher, more or less in unison]: This is "hang loose," this is "I love you," this is "Hook 'em, Horns," and this is the Shocker.

It works!

Me: We're using you as a Tuller locator.
Frank: Tuller? He's over there.
Me: Excellent.

Social Studies

Chris:...and then you can introduce me to people.
TK: How? You know everyone I know!
Chris: Your Venn diagram is entirely inside my Venn diagram?!
TK: Yes! It's like...[creates model with plates] Yours, mine.
Chris: Oh my God!

His Life's Work

Me: What is this? More of your crap on the floor?
Greg: It's what I do, Sarah. I crap all over the floor.

Honesty is Key

Me: I love you.
Greg: I love you, too.
Me: You're just saying that.
Greg: Well, yeah. Because I want to get laid.
Me: Okay, I'm writing that down.

Things You Hear When an MIT Instructor Moderates Your Trivia Game

Chris: I understand you went to Harvard, but cheating is rampant there.

TMBG Dramatic Reading

Greg: I'm goin' down to Cowtown.
Me: Why? To see the cow beneath the sea?
Greg: Yeah. Because, as you know, the cow's a friend to me.

Too Much of a Good Thing

I know that sometimes I complain about not getting enough parts for tunes. Horns, in particular, and double reeds. But I don't ever, ever want to hear the ensemble that needs 12 first cornet parts to a cornet solo. Not 12 copies of the solo part; that might make sense. Twelve guys backing up the soloist on the same instrument. Perhaps twelve stands of first cornet! I hadn't thought of that. That's terrifying.

I haven't counted the 2nd cornet, 3rd cornet, 1st trumpet, or 2nd trumpet. I'm afraid to.

If you have to ask...

Greg: Is it alright if I stop being assertive now?

Standards

Greg: I think we can judge a weekend's success by whether or not we did something ridiculous. And most weekends are a success.

Why Greg Hasn't Gotten My Cold

Greg: My immune system is pretty bad-ass. So bad-ass, in fact, that it sometimes kills things it shouldn't.
Me: "Hey, what's that?"
Greg: "I don't know. Let's kill it!"
Me: "Hooray! Er...what if that was something we need?"
Greg: "Who cares? It's dead now!"
Me: "Hooray!"

My First Appointment with the Army Hypnotherapist

Doc: So you have a boyfriend.
Me: Yes.
Doc: How old is he?
Me: 33.
Doc: Married? Single?
Me: Single.
Doc: What about his wife?
Me: She's single, too.
Doc, to medical student: She's quick.

Page Title of the Day

American Diabetes Association: No Cookie

A Second Chance

Steve: When I was getting crabs last night--
Me: Ok, just stop there and get a new beginning to that sentence, because that one isn't going to work.

Old Band Name Conversation I Just Remembered

Erica: The FORSCOM band tuba-euphonium ensemble is called "Oompahcalypse Now."
Me: The Heritage of America band pop/rock combo is called "Drug Free."
Erica: Okay, that's worse.

She Builds, He Cooks

Me: The next task is taking a shelf apart. What's more manly than destruction?
Greg: Too bad we're peeling eggs.
Me: That really is the weakest excuse of all time.

And They're Off!

Greg: You seriously want to race?
Me: One girl vs. two guys assembling IKEA? How could we not race?
Greg: You realize you're racing against two professional mathematicians. The only thing worse would be--
Me: Three mathematicians?

Betty White is in our kitchen?

Greg: I need to go deal with the pita in a minute.
Me: Oh, man. In my head that was PETA.

Self Knowledge

David: God, I called you "Young Padawan." You know, sometimes I amaze myself with how big of a dork I am.
Me: I've ceased to be surprised.
David: What, by my dorkiness or your own?

Learning Curve

Greg: It looks like Saturday is going to be an evening thing instead of an afternoon thing.
Me: I'll tell David.
Greg: Yeah, I mean, if he comes, he comes, and if he doesn't, he doesn't. And if he doesn't, he sucks.
Me: I'll let him know.
Greg: No, don't tell him that! He has to find out he sucks for himself. It's the only way.

Sanctuary!

David: Did you go to the gig?
Me: No, I had a bad appointment at Walter Reed. Apparently I'm developing a hump.
David: Like...a dowager's hump?
Me: No, it's called a buffalo hump.
David: Oh, good, 'cause that's even more flattering.

Dad's Brother-in-Law is Late Getting to the Movie Theatre

"Can you imagine what it's like for an old man standing all alone in the lobby of a theater showing a gay cowboy movie, holding a cup of Coke and a tub (medium no butter) of popcorn, looking anxiously every time someone comes in? Not fun."
--Dad

Yay, Kenneth Williams!

Straight man: What brings you down to these parts?
Kenneth Williams: I've got a terrible agent.

Plenary Session, excerpt 2

"the (inaudible) of trombones (inaudible) was the last really radical (inaudible) idea (inaudible)."
--Esa-(inaudible) Salonen

Excerpts from a Conversation on the History of Blood Glucose Monitoring

"Urine carries time-delayed information."

"People are afraid of things that puncture them."

Honesty

Me: I have a question, but you have to promise not to make fun of me.
Dale: You're talking to the wrong guy.

The Lost Part

Player: Oh, I had it all along.
Librarian A: I didn't look in his folder for him. Sorry.
Librarian B: Well, that's really his job.
Player: So we got it all figured out, huh?
Librarian B: Yes. You're an idiot.