If a Jazz Society Goes Bankrupt and No One Hears, Does it Make a Sound?

Me: What did they do, get an adjustable rate mortgage?

David: They bought an interest-only loan on somebody caring about jazz.

Welcome to Kent County, Home of the Smell of Manure

Cherilyn: When I found out we were moving here, I was like, if I’m going to be in the middle of nowhere, I want to be in the middle. Not the outskirts.

Me: Yeah, you don’t want to have to commute in to nowhere.

The [insert adjective here] Fair Use Clause

Lawyer: I don’t know that I’m comfortable with calling it “infamous.”

Me: How ‘bout “notorious?”

Potentially a Compliment

Greg:The only thing he expressed interest in were mathematics and, to a lesser extent, his wife.

How I Made Greg Spew

Greg: [coworker] left for eleven days today. And [coworker] will be out Monday and Tuesday. And [coworker] is in another office for weeks and weeks. So next week, I'm going to be the only person at work.
Me: Are you going to wear pants?

"Idiosyncratic Ventures OIC"

WO1: I’m a floater. They made up a title for me. I should send you the organizational chart.

Me: Are you off to the side, connected by a dotted line?

WO1: You’ve seen it already?!

New Computer

Greg: Okay, step one, turn off old machine. Step three, profit.

And why is there no interrobang on my keyboard?!

Greg: Well, you've gotta be outraged about something.
Me: No, I don't! How dare you?!

Clarification

Greg: Where is the pie going to be, and how long is the nudity going to last?

Stationery

Me: And I was like, what the hell is an emvelope?
Greg: It's twice as wide as an envelope.

Non Sequiturs from the Illinois Trip: Not Even the Underwear Ones are Related

Cathy: I don’t think we need to S-P-E-L-L.

Tracy: Look what Uncle Derrick has on his underpants!

Greg: Cows? That’s Hinduism!

Cathy: Not everyone gets to see my special underwear.

Honey, it turns out we actually don't know the names after all.

Greg: Welcome to the jungle, Sarah.

Me: Have you got fun and games?

Greg: I don’t actually know the song all that well.

Also, Princess Peach was Kidnapped!

Greg: Did you know William F. Buckley Jr. died?

Me: I just saw it on that Newsweek, but otherwise, no.

Greg: Yeah, like a couple days ago. Friday, maybe.

Me: I live in a hole.

Greg: I saw it on Wii News.

Me: I don’t know what’s more pathetic: my not knowing or your finding out the way you did.

Mike Has No Nieces

Mike: In the mean time, there's Bill's child, whom I refer to solely as "Laser Squid" for no reason other than she is a Laser Squid.

Me: In what sense is she a Laser Squid? Does she have a beak?

Mike: No, just lasers. And tentacles. Except not really.

Why Mince Words?

Mikki: How you doin'?
Me: Shitty.

He Walked Into That One

Greg: You can't anthropromorphize everything.
Me: Sure I can.
Greg: Your closet?
Me: Mr. Closet loves it when I anthropromorphize him.
Greg: Your bathrobe?
Me: Well, I don't know what the bathrobe likes. He only speaks Japanese.

What the World Needs Now is More Math-Related Double Entendres

Greg: And then I showed her my zeta function.
Me: Is it asymptotic to zero?

I Officially Have No Respect

COL: It's my weekly lame attempt to tell you to go home.
Me: Pfft. Whatever, sir.
COL: I like how you listen to what I say and act on it.
Me: I could stand at attention if that would make you feel better.
COL: Eh.

How Not to Scam Music, part 3

Call drunk.

Important Information for Conference Attendees

MLA Listserv: The latest TSA bulletin says corkscrews are allowed in carry-on luggage.

Blame Spellchecker

Greg: Where are we going?
Me: Bethesda. Mike would like you to know that spellchecker suggests "beheads."
Greg: Well, sure.
Me: But Bethesda's a real place. With a real name. Just not here. It's a biblical place. With healing pools.
Greg: Are there healing pools in this Bethesda?
Me: No, just beheadings. And government offices.
Greg: Well, sure. They go together. Are there guillotines, also, in this Bethesda?
Me: No.
Greg: That's a shame. It would make the beheadings so much easier.
Me: Yeah, but this way creates more jobs.
Greg: "Now hiring: executioners. Must be able to work in a big mask."
Me: "No squeamishness."

Because of Skeeball

Me: That's why cops masturbate left-handed.

How Not To Scam Music, cont'd.

Guy to COL: I was just at [company]’s website, and this tune is out of print.

COL to Guy: Sarah can send you a set if you get permission to photocopy.

Guy to Me: This is out of print. COL said you could send me a set.

Me: You will need permission to photocopy from [company].

Guy: I was just at [company]’s website, and it’s out of print. COL said you could send me a set.

Me: You will need permission to photocopy from [company].

Guy: No, you need permission, because you’re the person making the copy.

"Got Milk," It Ain't

Greg: This product is reasonable. It has several flaws, but is better than its competitor at a comparable price.

Gamer Snax

Me: I got Doritos, Fritos, and Tostitos. But not Cheetos.
Greg: But that's part of the four -itos food groups!

Why, to chronicle these conversations, of course.

Matt: Thank god you’re still here…why are you still here?

Too Late, COL H Already Won

Matt: Another little communist flare-up

Me: You’re really shooting for quote of the day, aren’t you?

Matt: I’m not trying.

More Spanish. Or perhaps mas.

SGM: Shit, I’ll take it to Pachanga.

Me: That’s actually not a bad idea.

SGM: I’ll do it. Where are the lyrics?

Matt: They’re in your office I think.

SGM: I think I locked myself out.

Later…

Matt: How the fuck have we come to rely on a restaurant?!

Me: Before that, we were relying on Wikipedia.

Matt: Okay, true. But a restaurant?

How do you say "Crap" in Spanish?

Matt: God. I need to talk to someone who speaks Spanish.

Me: We are so useless. What’d you take, French?

Matt: Yeah.

Me: I took German.

Matt: God. I’m calling Lopez.

Hot Flashes

COL H: Phew! I think I’ve got menopause or something.

The Conversation's Inevitable Conclusion

Greg: Live robot salmon? There's no going back.

Posit

Mike: So let’s assume for a moment you had a picture of Cole Porter on fire.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Greg: I told Mike you hate him.
Me: Why?
Greg: Does hate need a reason?

Bacon, part 2

Me: "How to Make an Origami Pig."
Greg: That's always useful. Especially if you want origami bacon.

Bacon, part 1

Greg: Sarah?
Me: Yes?
Greg: I found the bacon flowchart. Sean had it on his del.icio.us account.
Me: Thank god for social networking.

It doesn't even matter what this was about

Mike: And a great, deafening “MOO!” was heard in response.

For your own safety

David: I didn’t even know you could possess underwear fraudulently.

Me: My advice, then, is to stay the hell out of Singapore.

Retirement

Retiree, getting cookie: I’m gonna be bigger than a house.

Me: Hooray! No weigh-ins!

Retiree: You’re right! *gets additional cookie*

Blocked!

Me: Hey, a new feature! When I hover over a URL that is blocked, it tells me before I click on it. That’s actually hella useful.

Mike: That’s awesome. Does it have the reason there? “Blocked: Irony.”

Me: Blocked: Too fun.

Mike: Blocked: Cuz. We don’t have to tell you. :P

Me: Blocked: Neener.

Mike: Blocked: Shouldn’t you go outside and get some exercise?

Me: Blocked: Hai-keeba!

Mike: Blocked: Gymkata!

How's Married Life II

Greg: Is this some kind of trust exercise? Because I'm not feeling good about it.

Career Advice

Me: *pfft* Don’t look at me, I’m on monster.com.

Clarification

Me: Okay, okay, IF they didn’t start the zombie apocalypse, THEN that would be a good place to run.

Different Definitions of "Fulfillment"

Me: I used to take pictures of people posing with costumed characters full time.
Guy Dressed as Frosty the Snowman: Well, that could be fulfilling.
Me: No. No, it can't.

Glucoboy

Mike: Can I just say how amused I am that we are discussing an actually existing product that combines diabetes glucose screening and video games in one convenient package for children?

Meeting Site Selection

Me: Out of curiosity, what’s the band’s usual hotel in King of Prussia?

Darrin: Crown Plaza or Fairfield Inn. There are many more in the area.

Me: Well, sure. It’s that giant black hole of a mall, sucking in the orbiting hotel chains like errant space junk.

Darrin: At the speed of light.

Thank you, good night!

Bill: My goal is a retirement speech completely devoid of personal pronouns.

Me: I say new policy: for your retirement speech, you get one word for every year you’ve been here. Twenty-four years, twenty-four words.

Some Targets Are Just Too Easy

Bill, after a particularly notable retirement ceremony: You should charge people to get on your blog today.

Poopy!

Me: An idiot trombone player (note redundancy) is changing his child’s diaper on the floor in front of my desk. Notably, the bathrooms are right across the hall. Hello?

Mike: Yeah, see? See?? Babies make people’s brains go away. It’s universal. Babies are brain-eating zombies.

How Not To Scam Music From the Field Band Library

Technique 1, attempted Wednesday afternoon by a community band director: Call the Field Band, complain that every time you call the Field Band, the Field Band never sends you anything, explaining that “that’s why this time I’m calling you.” That is, the Field Band. Then ask for something that went out of print 20 years before the Field Band existed. Act disgusted when told it is not in the library.

Technique 2, attempted Friday morning by a high school band director: Demand, repeatedly, that the Field Band send you music the Field Band doesn’t have. When directed to call a band 20 miles away with a library five times larger than that of the Field Band, explain that the Field Band should send the music (that the Field Band doesn’t have) because “we’re right down the street from you.” When reminded that the Field Band still doesn’t have this music, ask “well, what DO you have?!” Hang up.

Technique 3, attempted last month by a high school band director: Tell the Field Band to send you a copy of a score that you have on order from overseas, to cover you while it’s in transit. When the Field Band replies that this is fine, but due to previous abuse of this copyright loophole, you will need to send proof of the order, admit that you don’t really have it on order at all, you just lost it. When the Field Band explains that the “cover copies for music on order” loophole only works when you actually have music on order, assert that you “kind of” have it on order. When asked again for proof, admit again that you don’t have it on order at all.

Past techniques:

- point out that since the tune exists on a recording of the Marine Band, it must therefore be in the Field Band library.

- assert over and over that the tune is permanently out of print, even when a new edition has come out in the past six months.

- legally borrow a tune from the Field Band, then offer to sell the set on a listserv the Field Band reads.

Cage Match: Astaire vs. Crosby

Mike: I always think of them as the same person. Except that one danced, and the other one just sorta…leaned.

Your Aspect Ratio and You

LTC: Can you blow it up more?

Me: This is a big as I can make it.

LTC: What if you cut off the stuff on the top and bottom?

Me: That’s as wide as it can go, so that’s as big as I can make it.

LTC: But they don’t need this stuff down here.

Me: Yes, but that’s as wide as it can go, so that’s as big as I can make it.

LTC: They just need this one strip through the middle.

Me: Right, but that’s as wide as it can go, so that’s as big as I can make it.

LTC: So if you cut off the bottom part…

Me: It would still only be that wide. So that’s as big as I can make it.

LTC: Really?

Me: Yes.

LTC: Huh.

Email

Greg: What does Mike have to say?
Me: "Argh."
Greg: That's reasonable.

Then He Said "I Like Boys," But I'm Not Including That

Greg: Whatcha doing?
Me: Colonel-loathing.
Greg: That takes up a lot of your time.
Me: True.
Greg: Want to go shopping?
Me: Thank you, Talking Barbie!
Greg: Math is hard!

Hail to the Chief Remix

Me: Some woman wrote to us looking for a recording of “the long version” of Hail to the Chief.

Mike B: What, the one with the bridge and the big open section?

We Assume They Meant "Oversaw"

Award Citation: …he overlooked all aspects of [project]…

Me: Man, I overlook stuff all the time and I never get an award for it.

LT: I know! Me, too!

Mannheim Steamroller for Concert Band

Arranger 1: That’s an extremely well-polished turd.

Arranger 2: That’s what we do best!

Traditional Thanksgiving Conversation

Alex: I move that the bitter recrimination begins now.
Me: Seconded.
Austin, weeping: Is that a simple majority or a two-thirds majority?

No One is Safe!

Me: Run for your lives! Actually, no, unplug everything first and THEN run for your lives!

David: Where could you run to that NSA wouldn’t find you? Time to get out the trusty aluminum foil hat.

Dance Lesson

Greg: What kind of dance do you do to a waltz?
Me: A waltz.
Greg: Explain.
Me: Step step step, step step step, step step step, step step step.
Greg, suspiciously: Hmmm.

Belated Oktoberfest Post

Me: Oh, man! What's the chance of running into a guy wearing a beef log shirt while you're trying to remember the words to the beef log song?!
Greg: I don't know, but you're pretty drunk.

Quite

Eddie: She pacifically told me they were in the libary.

So Close

COL H: Playin’ Minesweeper?

Me: Nah, I’ve been fielding phone calls from LT Toven.

COL H: Wantin’ to borrow something, I bet.

Me: Yep.

COL H: I hope you told him “No, sir.”

Me: Well, I told him “no.”

COL H: Well, that’s half right.

When People Ask "How's Married Life," I Assume This Is What They Mean

Greg's New All-Purpose Argument Ender: Yeah, well, I think you are mistaken about reality.

Sarah's New All-Purpose Argument Ender: I assert you are a twit. Discuss.

Tonight's iTunes Cover Searches

All the Young Dudes
Crazy Train
Hooked on a Feeling
We're Not Gonna Take It
Song 2
Centerfold
Sir Duke
Video Killed the Radio Star
Black Hole Sun
Santeria
More Human than Human
Insane in the Brain
Baba O'Riley*
25 or 6 to 4
Feelin' Stronger Every Day
Wild Mountain Honey
Dude (Looks Like a Lady)
Love in an Elevator
Cochise
Epic
Lust for Life
Closer
Head Like a Hole
Freak on a Leash
Rock the Casbah*
Hollaback Girl

*particularly successful

If we're lucky, a year from now we'll have no idea what this conversation was about.

Mike: You can’t has.

Me: Does want!

Mike: The only way to combat lolcats is with Broccoli Dog.

Me: Or limecat.

Mike: No, limecat is part of the problem.

Me: Oolong, then.

Mike: Yes, the rabbit is fine, but only because it looks as though it could fly into a killing rage at any minute.

"These Boots," as interpreted by Jessica Simpson

Me: It's unlistenable!
Greg: True! And yet we have to listen!

What is Jazz?

Me: It sounds like he's killing a pig.
Greg: That's beautiful.
Me: That's jazz.
Greg: That is jazz. Jazz is pig death.

Logic

Me: I thought Martians were small and gray-green.

David: It’s pretty sunny there. People that live in sunny places are brown. Martians = brown.

Me: It’s too far from the sun. People who freeze turn blue. Martians = blue.

David: Alright, summer highs are only 20 Celsius. That’s not real warm, but there’s no cloud cover to speak of. Martians = brown on the outside, blue in the middle. The way I like my cheese.

I was going to paraphrase this, but quoting is so much more effective

Notice in local paper: If you have absolutely no phone and no internet access during all of the open season, contact redacted@redacted.gov and arrangements can be made for enrollments.

Thus, to paraphrase anyway, “If you can’t email us, please email us.”

Halo Suite, grade 3, arr. Ralph Ford

Me: It’s barely recognizable.

David: Yeah, but it does make me want to frag aliens.

Perhaps I Will Come Up With a Snappier Title Once the Shock Wears Off

Librarian 1: Can I help you find something?
Me: Yes. I need an AACR2.
Librarian 1: *blank stare* Is that...a book?
Me: Yes.
Librarian 1: Um... *typing* I don't see anything.
Me: Really.
Librarian 1: Does it...stand for something?
Me: Anglo-American Cataloging...something.
Librarian 1: Anglo-American!
Me: Yes. *having found photocopy of title page* Here: Anglo-American Cataloging Rules.
Librarian 1: Um... *typing* I don't think we have one in circulation.
Me: It wouldn't circulate. It would be reference. Reference for...well, you.
Librarian 1: *looking helpless* Maybe when Librarian 2 gets off the phone...I mean...we don't really catalog here...maybe when Librarian 2 gets off the phone...
Me: Okay.
Librarian 2: What's up?
Librarian 1: Have you ever heard of something called Anglo-American Cataloging Rules?
Librarian 2: Um... I've heard of it. I don't think I've ever seen one. We don't really catalog here.
Librarian 1: That's what I told her!
Me: Okay.
Librarian 2: Um...is it online?
Me: With a subscription.
Librarian 2: Oh. We...don't really catalog here.
Librarian 1: Yeah.

A Visit from St. Nicholass

Me: His dimples, how merry!

Mike: His cheeks were like roses!

Later

Greg: My very own Necronomicon. Too bad it's a copy.
Me: Jeez.
Greg: When I ask you to get me an ancient artifact...
Me: How was I supposed to know?
Greg: The real Necronomicon isn't made of paper.

Initial Reaction

Me: Here's a Necronomicon from Mike.
Greg: Thank you! Is it made of human skin?
Me: I'm pretty sure it's just copier paper.
Greg: Pfft.

The Presence of Sausages

Me: Isn't that the collective noun?

Why We're Not Allowed to Name Military Operations

Me: Jungle pancakes.
Greg: So you're just going to say "jungle pancakes" periodically, at random?
Me: Sure. Jungle pancakes.
Greg: Can I say "corpse pants?"
Me: Sure.
Greg: Corpse pants!
Me: Corpse pants. That's actually harder to say than jungle pancakes.
Greg: Not really. Corpse pants, corpse pants, corpse pants.
Me: Jungle pancakes.

Overtime

SGM: Are you studying?

Me: Nah, I’m just screwing around.

SGM: As long as you’re not working.

The Pants Story

Me: Okay, go ahead and tell your pants story.

Greg: What pants story?

Me: You’re kidding.

Greg: What?

Me: The enchanted pants.

Greg: What are you talking about?

Me: The enchanted pants story you’ve been going on about for days.

Greg: What enchanted pants?

Me: Are you kidding me? For days! Enchanted pants!

Greg: What are you talking about?

Me: The enchanted pants story.

Greg: What enchanted pants story?

Me: With the corpses.

Greg: Oh, that!

Craig: You know what? Just stop there. No story can live up to that lead-in.

After a survey of receipts in my wallet revealed I buy nothing but food and gas

Mike: Consume! Consume!! Why do you hate America?

Too Many Covers of "Ring of Fire"

Me: Debbie Harry?

Greg: No.

Me: Nancy Sinatra?

Greg: No.

Me: Olivia Newton-John?

Greg: Yes!

Rating

LT: You are awesome.

Me: Can I get that in writing?

LT: Sure. Can you use that on an NCOER?

Me: Strangely, I’m going to have to guess no-ish. Nor “rulez.”

LT: How about “phat?”

Me: Oh, sure. “His demonstrated commitment to safety is totally phat, yo.”

Did I Say the Wrong Thing?

Greg: ...which is to say, he's good at his job, but he annoys everyone.
Me: So, like me!
Greg: Yes! I mean no. I mean...what?

Training

Me: Things to do today: talk about urine, light stuff on fire. Done and done.

Wally: It just doesn’t get any better than this.

C/FOUO

Me: So this robotic kidney you're making...
Greg: I didn't say we were making it.
Me: Well, you never say anything about what you do at work, so we may as well assume you're making robotic kidneys.
Greg: Fair enough.

Retirement

COL H: Here’s a business card for [weird old guy]. You want one too?

Me: Sure. I’ll put it in my scrapbook.

COL H: I’m running out of uses for them.

Me: Well, you could wallpaper your bathroom.

If they could just stay little...

COL H: Lieutenant!

LT: Yes, sir!

COL H: Get to work!

LT: Yes, sir!

Me: They’re so cute when they’re new.

Keep it Short

Me: [weird old guy] was here.

COL H: Yeah, I heard him.

Me: He demands a business card from you, which I don’t have.

COL H: Demands? Why?

Me: I find when dealing with [weird old guy], it’s best not to ask questions.

COL H: Gotcha.

Damnit!

COL P: You know, some time I’m going to figure out that you’re not really here, and that it’s just a hologram or…

Me: Processing. Please wait.

COL P: Aha!

The Pickle Party

Invitation: We'll be brining snacks!

Festive!

Vince: I don't know why it printed two copies of the drum set part.
LT: Maybe there will be two drummers drumming.
Me: And a partridge in a pear tree.
LT: You're very...quick.
Me: That's a nice word for it, sir.

As he walked by the second time

LT: The building’s actually spinning, and I’m still in one place.

ME: Ohhhh….hurts….

Rue the day? Who talks like that?

Me: Someday, I will not be taking up all your space. But today is not that day.

Mike B: Then today is the day you will one day rue.

Me: That’s fair.

Mike B: Well, go on then, rue!

Me: *rue*

Mike B: That’s better.

All the really good tunes are rentals

Me: Here you go. And before you get any crazy ideas, it’s $455 for the first performance, $300 each additional.

LT: You’re such a buzzkill.

Me: Hooah.

Circle in a Spiral

LT: Yes?
Me: Oh, I just sent you an email about what I wanted to tell you about.
LT: Oh, okay.
Me: Or I could just tell you about it now.
LT: Sure.
Me: This is going to be pretty meta, because I'm going to tell you what was in the email, in which I described a voice mail.
LT: Oh, wow. This is getting kind of...
Me: Or, hey, since you're not in your office, I could call now and leave you another voice mail about it.
LT: Nah, just write me a note.

Prolly shouldn'ta yelled like that, sir.

LT: Why is the paper curling up?
Me: Because it's so freakin' humid!!!

$12,600 Invoice

Me: This was in my mailbox just now, and it's wow not mine.
Bernie: Wow. It's not mine either.

Was it even worth the effort?

Me: You haven’t once tripped on my lieutenant-tripping device. I’m starting to wonder if it was worth dragging it up here.

LT: Should I have tripped on it?

Me: They usually do.

LT: “They” meaning officers, or just lieutenants?

Me: Just lieutenants.

LT: I’d believe that.

Short Call About Fast Shipping

Me: How fast could we get the score to the Odom transcription of “Short Ride in a Fast Machine,” but still have the shipping cost less than the score itself?

Dealer: Ooh, that’s a new one.

Me: Well, the person who wants it is also the budget officer.

Overheard at Camden Yards

Yankees Fan 1: Hey, the Orioles hats have little birds on the backs. I never noticed that. I wonder what kind of bird it is.
Yankees Fan 2: It's an oriole.

The Quickest Way to Determine that the Lounge Singer on the Cruise Ship is Not a Native Speaker of English

Lounge Singer: Another bride, another tomb...