Basic Necessities

Greg: Dude! I have a 35-pound cymbal-playing monkey right now! I don't need anything else!

FYI

https://www.delta.com/traveling_checkin/baggage/special_baggage/fragile_bulky/antlers/index.jsp

Everyone Knows it was Larry

What they meant: ...would like to remain anonymous.
What they typed: ...would like remain anonymous.
What we parsed: ...would, like, remain anonymous.

The Stifling Girlfriend

Me: You've got to stop throwing cats into the river.
Greg: You never let me do anything fun!

Failure to Communicate

Greg: I'm sorry, I parsed that as English.

QED

Greg: If I'd known that, I wouldn't have contradicted you.
Me: You shouldn't contradict me in general.
Greg: I disagree.

Command Decision

LTC: ...and it's going to cost $3500, and they can't get it to us until February 15.
COL: I'm not paying $3500.
LTC: Exactly.
COL: Who has the balls to charge $3500?
Me: It's the only source. They're in the Netherlands.
COL: Tell them to pound sand.
Me: Outstanding. Do you know how to say that in French?

Quote of the Day

I hate it when I'm not even there for the quote of the day. Regardless...

Bill: Well, that was quite a Colonel-ex-machina.

Better Him Than Me

Yesterday, my cousin Kyle delivered his first son, on the floor of his bathroom, sometime between calling 911 and the paramedics arriving.

Ya think the neighbors wondered what all the screaming was about?

Seen Here, in Fig. 1

Greg: I don't remember what a monkey is.
Me: That's awesome. I'm gonna write that down.
Greg: Does that have to go on the blog, he asked with trepidation?
Me: Oh, hell yeah.

Another New Rule

If you cannot spell the solo you are requesting, you cannot sing that solo.

Fun Typo

"New York Nippodrome."

More Grove's Fun

Bladder and string. See Bumbass.

Today's Fun Fact About Sir William Sterndale Bennett

"Later he studied composition with Crotch."
        --New Grove's

Totally Different Fight

Me: Pants.
Greg: No pants.
Me: Pants.
Greg: No pants.
Me, whispering: Pants.
Greg, whispering: No pants.

Duh.

Greg: You put that on the blog? I'm offended!
Me: Dude, any time you start yelling that your garlic salt is not gay, that's pretty much a guarantee it's gonna be on the blog.

Well, true.

SGM: We love to redo work.
Me: Yeah, 'cuz what's more fun than Oslo version 3?
SGM: Oslo version 4.

Foiled!

Me: Doesn't it say something, though, that I love you even though your garlic salt is gay?
Greg: *pause* You're just trying to bait me!

Fight Continues

Me: Do you think your garlic salt made my rice gay?
Greg: MY GARLIC SALT IS NOT GAY!

Fight!

Greg: You're stating two different fallacies now! There are tiny elephants, and my garlic salt is not gay!
Me: There are no tiny elephants, and that is the gayest garlic salt I have ever seen.
Greg: How much garlic salt have you really come into contact with?
Me: Plenty!
Greg: I'm willing to bet that at least 50% of the garlic salt you have ever seen is more gay than mine.
Me: I assert that there is no garlic salt as gay as that. It is the most gay garlic salt.