Comparison

Me: How do you like having a conversation and having it immediately appear on the web?
Greg: It's a little disturbing.
Me: It's like datamining, only less insidious. Well...maybe the same amount of insidious.
Greg, cheerfully: Certainly not any more insidious!
Me: Okay, now I have to write that down.

Grandma's Pork Roll

Me: So, about dinner.
Greg: Yes?
Me: When I was a child...
Greg: oh dear.
Me: ...I was led to believe, probably by my mother, that when Grandma made pork roll, it was a big deal. Cause for celebration. Only for special occasions. So I just made it. It's one step more elaborate than meatloaf, and the ingredients cost less than $3.50.
Greg: Aw, how's disillusionment, Sarah?

Broken Suspension

David: Dude, look at that guy's rear wheel.
Me: That's what you get for having a fat girlfriend.
David: Nah, cheap after-market parts.
Me: ...and a fat girlfriend.

Pl4nz

Me: What are we doing tomorrow? Oh, I remember.
Greg: We have plans.
Me: Yes, with a Z.
Steve: Ooh!
Me: And a 4.
Steve: You're that 1337.
Greg: 1337 defines us. Or rather, we define 1337.
Steve: You pwn 1337, to some extent.

Basic Necessities

Greg: Dude! I have a 35-pound cymbal-playing monkey right now! I don't need anything else!

FYI

https://www.delta.com/traveling_checkin/baggage/special_baggage/fragile_bulky/antlers/index.jsp

Everyone Knows it was Larry

What they meant: ...would like to remain anonymous.
What they typed: ...would like remain anonymous.
What we parsed: ...would, like, remain anonymous.

The Stifling Girlfriend

Me: You've got to stop throwing cats into the river.
Greg: You never let me do anything fun!

Failure to Communicate

Greg: I'm sorry, I parsed that as English.

QED

Greg: If I'd known that, I wouldn't have contradicted you.
Me: You shouldn't contradict me in general.
Greg: I disagree.

Command Decision

LTC: ...and it's going to cost $3500, and they can't get it to us until February 15.
COL: I'm not paying $3500.
LTC: Exactly.
COL: Who has the balls to charge $3500?
Me: It's the only source. They're in the Netherlands.
COL: Tell them to pound sand.
Me: Outstanding. Do you know how to say that in French?

Quote of the Day

I hate it when I'm not even there for the quote of the day. Regardless...

Bill: Well, that was quite a Colonel-ex-machina.

Better Him Than Me

Yesterday, my cousin Kyle delivered his first son, on the floor of his bathroom, sometime between calling 911 and the paramedics arriving.

Ya think the neighbors wondered what all the screaming was about?

Seen Here, in Fig. 1

Greg: I don't remember what a monkey is.
Me: That's awesome. I'm gonna write that down.
Greg: Does that have to go on the blog, he asked with trepidation?
Me: Oh, hell yeah.

Another New Rule

If you cannot spell the solo you are requesting, you cannot sing that solo.

Fun Typo

"New York Nippodrome."

More Grove's Fun

Bladder and string. See Bumbass.

Today's Fun Fact About Sir William Sterndale Bennett

"Later he studied composition with Crotch."
        --New Grove's

Totally Different Fight

Me: Pants.
Greg: No pants.
Me: Pants.
Greg: No pants.
Me, whispering: Pants.
Greg, whispering: No pants.

Duh.

Greg: You put that on the blog? I'm offended!
Me: Dude, any time you start yelling that your garlic salt is not gay, that's pretty much a guarantee it's gonna be on the blog.