Sanctuary!

David: Did you go to the gig?
Me: No, I had a bad appointment at Walter Reed. Apparently I'm developing a hump.
David: Like...a dowager's hump?
Me: No, it's called a buffalo hump.
David: Oh, good, 'cause that's even more flattering.

Dad's Brother-in-Law is Late Getting to the Movie Theatre

"Can you imagine what it's like for an old man standing all alone in the lobby of a theater showing a gay cowboy movie, holding a cup of Coke and a tub (medium no butter) of popcorn, looking anxiously every time someone comes in? Not fun."
--Dad

Yay, Kenneth Williams!

Straight man: What brings you down to these parts?
Kenneth Williams: I've got a terrible agent.

Plenary Session, excerpt 2

"the (inaudible) of trombones (inaudible) was the last really radical (inaudible) idea (inaudible)."
--Esa-(inaudible) Salonen

Excerpts from a Conversation on the History of Blood Glucose Monitoring

"Urine carries time-delayed information."

"People are afraid of things that puncture them."

Honesty

Me: I have a question, but you have to promise not to make fun of me.
Dale: You're talking to the wrong guy.

The Lost Part

Player: Oh, I had it all along.
Librarian A: I didn't look in his folder for him. Sorry.
Librarian B: Well, that's really his job.
Player: So we got it all figured out, huh?
Librarian B: Yes. You're an idiot.

Plenary Session, excerpt 1

Now we come to two works published by Chester. And with apologies to representatives here from Music Sales, it must be acknowledged that the engravers and copyists working for Chester in the 10 to 15 years after WWI, well let’s just say those boys and girls hit the pub early and often.
--Ronald Whitaker, Principal Librarian, The Cleveland Orchestra

You Don't Often Hear

Me: Dude, this Newburg is the shiznit.

From my series...

...of conversations that don't happen elsewhere in the Army:

SFC: You need this Super Trooper?
COL: Nah. You?
SFC: Yeah, I need me some brown boots.
COL: Knock yourself out.

Previously in the series:

SSG: *puts brownie on LTC's desk*
LTC: What's this?
SSG: A brownie.
LTC: Why do you do this to me?
SSG: I'm fattening you up so I can kill you and eat you.
LTC: Well, at least you're honest.

Pressure

Matt: All I have to do now is [list]
Me: And all that without weeping openly. I think that's the real issue.
Matt: Who's got time to weep?

TGIF

Beth: Nobody told me I was going to be in charge. I'm kind of feeling the 59-minute rule.
Sarah: I'm kind of feeling casual Friday. But that's because I'm still wearing casual Friday.
Beth: I'm feeling that, too.
Sarah: Try to feel the 119-minute rule.
Beth: I'll see what I can do.

How 'bout that fog?

Me: How 'bout that fog!?
Greg: How 'bout that fog!
Me: Who said that?
Greg: *silence*
Me: You're trying to gaslight me, aren't you?

Email of the Day. So Far. In Toto.

LT: Saxes? GOD FORBID!!!

This Phrase Pleases Me

"Boston Symphony Softball Team"

Didn't get the Humor Gene

Chris: I told you before, it's genetic. It's funny in our heads, and then it comes out and it's not funny anymore.

Aha!

Beth: That sounds way better than with the headphones!
Chris: See, air does do something!

Granted

Beth: I heard that, smart ass!
Chris: Better'n being a dumb ass.

Backpedaling

Me: Did you see how clever it made you look?
Greg: No.
Me: Not half as clever as you are.
Greg: Ah.
Me: You know, as covers go, that was one of my better ones.

iTunes

Me: So who is this?
Greg: Faith No More. At the height of their weirdness.
Me: Is that the name of the album?
Greg: No.
Me: Should it be?
Greg: Possibly.
Me: That can be the name of your tribute album.
Greg: Excellent.
Me: Because I knew you were struggling for a name for it.
Greg: True.
Me: Are you at the height of your weirdness?
Greg: Yes!
Me: I hadn't noticed.
Greg: It's very subtle. Actually I may be on the decline.
Me: That's sad.
Greg: Thank you.