We Left Out "Jesus is F***in' Metal"

Me [and Christopher, more or less in unison]: This is "hang loose," this is "I love you," this is "Hook 'em, Horns," and this is the Shocker.

It works!

Me: We're using you as a Tuller locator.
Frank: Tuller? He's over there.
Me: Excellent.

Social Studies

Chris:...and then you can introduce me to people.
TK: How? You know everyone I know!
Chris: Your Venn diagram is entirely inside my Venn diagram?!
TK: Yes! It's like...[creates model with plates] Yours, mine.
Chris: Oh my God!

His Life's Work

Me: What is this? More of your crap on the floor?
Greg: It's what I do, Sarah. I crap all over the floor.

Honesty is Key

Me: I love you.
Greg: I love you, too.
Me: You're just saying that.
Greg: Well, yeah. Because I want to get laid.
Me: Okay, I'm writing that down.

Things You Hear When an MIT Instructor Moderates Your Trivia Game

Chris: I understand you went to Harvard, but cheating is rampant there.

TMBG Dramatic Reading

Greg: I'm goin' down to Cowtown.
Me: Why? To see the cow beneath the sea?
Greg: Yeah. Because, as you know, the cow's a friend to me.

Too Much of a Good Thing

I know that sometimes I complain about not getting enough parts for tunes. Horns, in particular, and double reeds. But I don't ever, ever want to hear the ensemble that needs 12 first cornet parts to a cornet solo. Not 12 copies of the solo part; that might make sense. Twelve guys backing up the soloist on the same instrument. Perhaps twelve stands of first cornet! I hadn't thought of that. That's terrifying.

I haven't counted the 2nd cornet, 3rd cornet, 1st trumpet, or 2nd trumpet. I'm afraid to.

If you have to ask...

Greg: Is it alright if I stop being assertive now?

Standards

Greg: I think we can judge a weekend's success by whether or not we did something ridiculous. And most weekends are a success.

Why Greg Hasn't Gotten My Cold

Greg: My immune system is pretty bad-ass. So bad-ass, in fact, that it sometimes kills things it shouldn't.
Me: "Hey, what's that?"
Greg: "I don't know. Let's kill it!"
Me: "Hooray! Er...what if that was something we need?"
Greg: "Who cares? It's dead now!"
Me: "Hooray!"

My First Appointment with the Army Hypnotherapist

Doc: So you have a boyfriend.
Me: Yes.
Doc: How old is he?
Me: 33.
Doc: Married? Single?
Me: Single.
Doc: What about his wife?
Me: She's single, too.
Doc, to medical student: She's quick.

Page Title of the Day

American Diabetes Association: No Cookie

A Second Chance

Steve: When I was getting crabs last night--
Me: Ok, just stop there and get a new beginning to that sentence, because that one isn't going to work.

Old Band Name Conversation I Just Remembered

Erica: The FORSCOM band tuba-euphonium ensemble is called "Oompahcalypse Now."
Me: The Heritage of America band pop/rock combo is called "Drug Free."
Erica: Okay, that's worse.

She Builds, He Cooks

Me: The next task is taking a shelf apart. What's more manly than destruction?
Greg: Too bad we're peeling eggs.
Me: That really is the weakest excuse of all time.

And They're Off!

Greg: You seriously want to race?
Me: One girl vs. two guys assembling IKEA? How could we not race?
Greg: You realize you're racing against two professional mathematicians. The only thing worse would be--
Me: Three mathematicians?

Betty White is in our kitchen?

Greg: I need to go deal with the pita in a minute.
Me: Oh, man. In my head that was PETA.

Self Knowledge

David: God, I called you "Young Padawan." You know, sometimes I amaze myself with how big of a dork I am.
Me: I've ceased to be surprised.
David: What, by my dorkiness or your own?

Learning Curve

Greg: It looks like Saturday is going to be an evening thing instead of an afternoon thing.
Me: I'll tell David.
Greg: Yeah, I mean, if he comes, he comes, and if he doesn't, he doesn't. And if he doesn't, he sucks.
Me: I'll let him know.
Greg: No, don't tell him that! He has to find out he sucks for himself. It's the only way.