Punctuation

Me: That's...wow...that's dumb. I mean it's wrong, but it's also dumb.

I Typed This with Gloves On

Gene: The Army will tell you when it's cold!

Bored Young Parishoners

Steve: Uch, God would be bored of this mass.
Me: "What, have I got an eternity?"

Angry Young Priest

Steve: I'm waiting for his first anti-homosexuality sermon. Ya think he's got it in him?
Me: Absolutely.
Steve: Really?
Me: Word on the street is, he's so far in the closet he has one foot in Narnia.

Sadly, the Sign Had Been Fixed When I Returned with a Camera

"All Proceeds Will Go To Disable Veterans"

Or Not. Depends on the Market.

Beth: No brass on this, just strings and faggots.
Me: That'd be a great name for an early music society.

I Guess I'm Not the Only New Person Here

Priest: Okay, according to the verger, apparently there's normally a prayer now. *shrug* Holy Father...

Wedding Threat

Me: Your invitation will have three envelopes. No, four.
Mike: You know, with each new torment you heap upon me, I merely add one additional inappropriate piece to the inappropriate costume I'm planning to wear.

Me: Eh. The difference between "giant phallus" and "giant phallus with silly hat" is pretty much negligible.

Bug on its Back

Susan: Is it dead?
Myrna: Either that or it's doing yoga.

Situation: Normal

Steve: Man we are at each other's throats this morning.
Me: And this is news how?

Wherein I Remember To Look Up Who Sang "Roundabout"

Me: Greg?
Greg: Yeah?
Me: Yes.
Greg: What? Oh! Yes!
Me: Yes. Yes.
Greg: Yes.

It Had to Happen One Day

Me: You were right.
Greg: Yay!!! Were you also right?
Me: *pause* *grimace* No.
Greg: YAY!!!

A Fine Line

Greg: If you believe hard enough in the bureaucracy, you can ignore the inconsistencies.
Me: Explain to me how this isn't a religion.
Greg: I'm not sure I can.

Routine

Me: Hey, can I borrow your little vacuum even though it's Friday and therefore vacuuming day?
Bernie and Gerald: He already vacuumed.
Gene: I'm on the AM shift.

Marriage

David: I totally rocked on mini golf this weekend. I got like three holes in one. And unbeknownst to me, because we've never played mini golf together, my wife hates mini golf.

Me: Oh, oops.
David: Hey John, who hates mini golf?
John, Eddie, and Mikki: Christie.

Don't Burn Any Bridges

Mark: I'm so glad I complimented you when I left before, because now I need...

Skepticism

John: I need to ask you a favor.
Me: Does it involve a kidney?

J'ai les pieds froids

Greg: I have Freudian feet!

Down to the Wire

COL: Well, at least we're getting it done before we leave. I'm sorry this took so long. Was it my fault?
Me: Naw, we can blame this one on Doug. And we will.
COL: Outstanding. I'll back you up on that.
Dan: *little dance*

More Memo Fun

Jenn: "...through normal supply cannels." Great.
Me: Better'n normal supply canals. That'd involve, like, wading.