When People Ask "How's Married Life," I Assume This Is What They Mean

Greg's New All-Purpose Argument Ender: Yeah, well, I think you are mistaken about reality.

Sarah's New All-Purpose Argument Ender: I assert you are a twit. Discuss.

Tonight's iTunes Cover Searches

All the Young Dudes
Crazy Train
Hooked on a Feeling
We're Not Gonna Take It
Song 2
Centerfold
Sir Duke
Video Killed the Radio Star
Black Hole Sun
Santeria
More Human than Human
Insane in the Brain
Baba O'Riley*
25 or 6 to 4
Feelin' Stronger Every Day
Wild Mountain Honey
Dude (Looks Like a Lady)
Love in an Elevator
Cochise
Epic
Lust for Life
Closer
Head Like a Hole
Freak on a Leash
Rock the Casbah*
Hollaback Girl

*particularly successful

If we're lucky, a year from now we'll have no idea what this conversation was about.

Mike: You can’t has.

Me: Does want!

Mike: The only way to combat lolcats is with Broccoli Dog.

Me: Or limecat.

Mike: No, limecat is part of the problem.

Me: Oolong, then.

Mike: Yes, the rabbit is fine, but only because it looks as though it could fly into a killing rage at any minute.

"These Boots," as interpreted by Jessica Simpson

Me: It's unlistenable!
Greg: True! And yet we have to listen!

What is Jazz?

Me: It sounds like he's killing a pig.
Greg: That's beautiful.
Me: That's jazz.
Greg: That is jazz. Jazz is pig death.

Logic

Me: I thought Martians were small and gray-green.

David: It’s pretty sunny there. People that live in sunny places are brown. Martians = brown.

Me: It’s too far from the sun. People who freeze turn blue. Martians = blue.

David: Alright, summer highs are only 20 Celsius. That’s not real warm, but there’s no cloud cover to speak of. Martians = brown on the outside, blue in the middle. The way I like my cheese.

I was going to paraphrase this, but quoting is so much more effective

Notice in local paper: If you have absolutely no phone and no internet access during all of the open season, contact redacted@redacted.gov and arrangements can be made for enrollments.

Thus, to paraphrase anyway, “If you can’t email us, please email us.”

Halo Suite, grade 3, arr. Ralph Ford

Me: It’s barely recognizable.

David: Yeah, but it does make me want to frag aliens.

Perhaps I Will Come Up With a Snappier Title Once the Shock Wears Off

Librarian 1: Can I help you find something?
Me: Yes. I need an AACR2.
Librarian 1: *blank stare* Is that...a book?
Me: Yes.
Librarian 1: Um... *typing* I don't see anything.
Me: Really.
Librarian 1: Does it...stand for something?
Me: Anglo-American Cataloging...something.
Librarian 1: Anglo-American!
Me: Yes. *having found photocopy of title page* Here: Anglo-American Cataloging Rules.
Librarian 1: Um... *typing* I don't think we have one in circulation.
Me: It wouldn't circulate. It would be reference. Reference for...well, you.
Librarian 1: *looking helpless* Maybe when Librarian 2 gets off the phone...I mean...we don't really catalog here...maybe when Librarian 2 gets off the phone...
Me: Okay.
Librarian 2: What's up?
Librarian 1: Have you ever heard of something called Anglo-American Cataloging Rules?
Librarian 2: Um... I've heard of it. I don't think I've ever seen one. We don't really catalog here.
Librarian 1: That's what I told her!
Me: Okay.
Librarian 2: Um...is it online?
Me: With a subscription.
Librarian 2: Oh. We...don't really catalog here.
Librarian 1: Yeah.

A Visit from St. Nicholass

Me: His dimples, how merry!

Mike: His cheeks were like roses!

Later

Greg: My very own Necronomicon. Too bad it's a copy.
Me: Jeez.
Greg: When I ask you to get me an ancient artifact...
Me: How was I supposed to know?
Greg: The real Necronomicon isn't made of paper.

Initial Reaction

Me: Here's a Necronomicon from Mike.
Greg: Thank you! Is it made of human skin?
Me: I'm pretty sure it's just copier paper.
Greg: Pfft.

The Presence of Sausages

Me: Isn't that the collective noun?

Why We're Not Allowed to Name Military Operations

Me: Jungle pancakes.
Greg: So you're just going to say "jungle pancakes" periodically, at random?
Me: Sure. Jungle pancakes.
Greg: Can I say "corpse pants?"
Me: Sure.
Greg: Corpse pants!
Me: Corpse pants. That's actually harder to say than jungle pancakes.
Greg: Not really. Corpse pants, corpse pants, corpse pants.
Me: Jungle pancakes.

Overtime

SGM: Are you studying?

Me: Nah, I’m just screwing around.

SGM: As long as you’re not working.

The Pants Story

Me: Okay, go ahead and tell your pants story.

Greg: What pants story?

Me: You’re kidding.

Greg: What?

Me: The enchanted pants.

Greg: What are you talking about?

Me: The enchanted pants story you’ve been going on about for days.

Greg: What enchanted pants?

Me: Are you kidding me? For days! Enchanted pants!

Greg: What are you talking about?

Me: The enchanted pants story.

Greg: What enchanted pants story?

Me: With the corpses.

Greg: Oh, that!

Craig: You know what? Just stop there. No story can live up to that lead-in.

After a survey of receipts in my wallet revealed I buy nothing but food and gas

Mike: Consume! Consume!! Why do you hate America?

Too Many Covers of "Ring of Fire"

Me: Debbie Harry?

Greg: No.

Me: Nancy Sinatra?

Greg: No.

Me: Olivia Newton-John?

Greg: Yes!

Rating

LT: You are awesome.

Me: Can I get that in writing?

LT: Sure. Can you use that on an NCOER?

Me: Strangely, I’m going to have to guess no-ish. Nor “rulez.”

LT: How about “phat?”

Me: Oh, sure. “His demonstrated commitment to safety is totally phat, yo.”

Did I Say the Wrong Thing?

Greg: ...which is to say, he's good at his job, but he annoys everyone.
Me: So, like me!
Greg: Yes! I mean no. I mean...what?