Different Definitions of "Fulfillment"

Me: I used to take pictures of people posing with costumed characters full time.
Guy Dressed as Frosty the Snowman: Well, that could be fulfilling.
Me: No. No, it can't.

Glucoboy

Mike: Can I just say how amused I am that we are discussing an actually existing product that combines diabetes glucose screening and video games in one convenient package for children?

Meeting Site Selection

Me: Out of curiosity, what’s the band’s usual hotel in King of Prussia?

Darrin: Crown Plaza or Fairfield Inn. There are many more in the area.

Me: Well, sure. It’s that giant black hole of a mall, sucking in the orbiting hotel chains like errant space junk.

Darrin: At the speed of light.

Thank you, good night!

Bill: My goal is a retirement speech completely devoid of personal pronouns.

Me: I say new policy: for your retirement speech, you get one word for every year you’ve been here. Twenty-four years, twenty-four words.

Some Targets Are Just Too Easy

Bill, after a particularly notable retirement ceremony: You should charge people to get on your blog today.

Poopy!

Me: An idiot trombone player (note redundancy) is changing his child’s diaper on the floor in front of my desk. Notably, the bathrooms are right across the hall. Hello?

Mike: Yeah, see? See?? Babies make people’s brains go away. It’s universal. Babies are brain-eating zombies.

How Not To Scam Music From the Field Band Library

Technique 1, attempted Wednesday afternoon by a community band director: Call the Field Band, complain that every time you call the Field Band, the Field Band never sends you anything, explaining that “that’s why this time I’m calling you.” That is, the Field Band. Then ask for something that went out of print 20 years before the Field Band existed. Act disgusted when told it is not in the library.

Technique 2, attempted Friday morning by a high school band director: Demand, repeatedly, that the Field Band send you music the Field Band doesn’t have. When directed to call a band 20 miles away with a library five times larger than that of the Field Band, explain that the Field Band should send the music (that the Field Band doesn’t have) because “we’re right down the street from you.” When reminded that the Field Band still doesn’t have this music, ask “well, what DO you have?!” Hang up.

Technique 3, attempted last month by a high school band director: Tell the Field Band to send you a copy of a score that you have on order from overseas, to cover you while it’s in transit. When the Field Band replies that this is fine, but due to previous abuse of this copyright loophole, you will need to send proof of the order, admit that you don’t really have it on order at all, you just lost it. When the Field Band explains that the “cover copies for music on order” loophole only works when you actually have music on order, assert that you “kind of” have it on order. When asked again for proof, admit again that you don’t have it on order at all.

Past techniques:

- point out that since the tune exists on a recording of the Marine Band, it must therefore be in the Field Band library.

- assert over and over that the tune is permanently out of print, even when a new edition has come out in the past six months.

- legally borrow a tune from the Field Band, then offer to sell the set on a listserv the Field Band reads.

Cage Match: Astaire vs. Crosby

Mike: I always think of them as the same person. Except that one danced, and the other one just sorta…leaned.

Your Aspect Ratio and You

LTC: Can you blow it up more?

Me: This is a big as I can make it.

LTC: What if you cut off the stuff on the top and bottom?

Me: That’s as wide as it can go, so that’s as big as I can make it.

LTC: But they don’t need this stuff down here.

Me: Yes, but that’s as wide as it can go, so that’s as big as I can make it.

LTC: They just need this one strip through the middle.

Me: Right, but that’s as wide as it can go, so that’s as big as I can make it.

LTC: So if you cut off the bottom part…

Me: It would still only be that wide. So that’s as big as I can make it.

LTC: Really?

Me: Yes.

LTC: Huh.

Email

Greg: What does Mike have to say?
Me: "Argh."
Greg: That's reasonable.

Then He Said "I Like Boys," But I'm Not Including That

Greg: Whatcha doing?
Me: Colonel-loathing.
Greg: That takes up a lot of your time.
Me: True.
Greg: Want to go shopping?
Me: Thank you, Talking Barbie!
Greg: Math is hard!

Hail to the Chief Remix

Me: Some woman wrote to us looking for a recording of “the long version” of Hail to the Chief.

Mike B: What, the one with the bridge and the big open section?

We Assume They Meant "Oversaw"

Award Citation: …he overlooked all aspects of [project]…

Me: Man, I overlook stuff all the time and I never get an award for it.

LT: I know! Me, too!

Mannheim Steamroller for Concert Band

Arranger 1: That’s an extremely well-polished turd.

Arranger 2: That’s what we do best!

Traditional Thanksgiving Conversation

Alex: I move that the bitter recrimination begins now.
Me: Seconded.
Austin, weeping: Is that a simple majority or a two-thirds majority?

No One is Safe!

Me: Run for your lives! Actually, no, unplug everything first and THEN run for your lives!

David: Where could you run to that NSA wouldn’t find you? Time to get out the trusty aluminum foil hat.

Dance Lesson

Greg: What kind of dance do you do to a waltz?
Me: A waltz.
Greg: Explain.
Me: Step step step, step step step, step step step, step step step.
Greg, suspiciously: Hmmm.

Belated Oktoberfest Post

Me: Oh, man! What's the chance of running into a guy wearing a beef log shirt while you're trying to remember the words to the beef log song?!
Greg: I don't know, but you're pretty drunk.

Quite

Eddie: She pacifically told me they were in the libary.

So Close

COL H: Playin’ Minesweeper?

Me: Nah, I’ve been fielding phone calls from LT Toven.

COL H: Wantin’ to borrow something, I bet.

Me: Yep.

COL H: I hope you told him “No, sir.”

Me: Well, I told him “no.”

COL H: Well, that’s half right.