The State of Classical Music

Adrian: Nobody riots at premieres anymore like they used to. They just complain about it on their blogs.

The Beach Picnic Explained

Mom: Sunday night we're having a beach picnic with the Simpsons.
Greg: What's a beach picnic?
Mom: You go down to the beach...
Me: ...with food...
Mom: ...and you brush the sand off your hot dog...
Me: ...and you wonder if that's salt or sand...
Mom: ...and when you start chewing, you find out.
Greg: Ah.

Science!

Me: What's a good-looking guy like you doing with an eyebrow like that?
Greg: Mad sciencing.

I may not be a jazzer, but I'm jazzier than some

Orchestral librarian: Is “Jumpin’ at the Savoy” in that medley?

Me: No, no, no, you stomp at the Savoy and you jump at the Woodside. Where would we be if people just started jumping wherever they felt like it?

The Postmodern Chemistry Set

Mike: Firefox extensions are the new guy-DIY thing to do around the house. It's totally the "Oh, I can fix the toaster" of the 21st century, except without the electrocution or kitchen fires.

Technically, it can be both.

Greg: That's an interesting idea.
Me: No, that's a terrible idea. What the hell's wrong with you?
Greg: It's that, too. I just said it was interesting.

Job Satisfaction

Dan: Why is it I always seem to catch you on a bad day?

Me: Because that’s the only kind there are?

Gift List Issues

Me: You're really easy to shop for, it's just that the things you want and the things your mother wants to buy you...
Greg: Have a null intersect. Form a disconnected space. Are mutually exclusive.
Me, writing: Okay, slow down...
Greg: I'm trying to think of an algebra one, but I can't think of anything good. Sits in the center of a nontrivial exact sequence?

Win

Me: Your victory was only temporary.
Greg: No, my victory was awesome.

From the Last Day in Norwich

Me: The question is, how many tics can I give you by the time we get to the airport?
Greg: Probably four.

If only I knew which was which

Either Greg or Sarah: Since when is thinking illegal?

The other: Since I became the mind police.

Coming Soon!

Jenn: Crouching Picasso, Hidden Bull!

Equivalence

Me: Best Mike Gift Ever!
Greg: I know! That means Jen will hate you forever.
Me: Damnit.
Greg: Well, the two are equivalent: the better the Mike gift, the more
Jen-hated it is.

The Baby Borrowers

Greg: We're watching cute children being manhandled by people who are
not their parents.
Craig: ...dot com.

It's Not Just No Self-Esteem, It's Negative Self-Esteem

Greg: I'm going to use the bathroom.
Me: I'm going to think ill of myself.
Greg: Why?
Me: I'm good at it? Wait...damnit! How can I think ill of myself and think I'm good at something at the same time?

He Did Ask

Saxophone Player: I got an instrument for my wife so we can play duets. Guess what I got her! What instrument can absolutely anybody play with no lessons?
Me: Saxophone.

lolmikez

Mike: My nachur perservz, let me show you them.

Not Quite So Great Minds

Greg: There’s a store over there called Tot Shot.

Me: Hm.

Greg: …

Me: …

Greg: …

Me: I’ve come up with several explanations for it, and none are appropriate.

Greg: Me, too.

Me: One involves a trebuchet.

Greg: Me, too!

Me: My other one is a tiny, kid-sized firing range.

Greg: Oh. My other one involves syringes.

Awards

(overheard at a diner in Ohio)

Man: She got a medal for valor.
Woman: What kind?
Man: Bronze Star.
Woman: I thought valor was a Silver Star.
Man: Well, there's that, too.
Woman: So what's silver for? More valor?
Man: Pretty much.
Woman: So what kind of star did you get?
Man: Plastic.

Hint: parts of it are in another room

Sign: COPIER EXTREMELY BROKEN

LT: So it’s not black and white, it’s on a scale of brokenness? It’s not totally broken?

Me: No, it’s beyond just being broken. It’s extremely broken.

Lt: Oh. Well, then you should just put “Copier > Broken.”