Brilliant! New! Idea!

Me: ...and I will try not to be swayed by the fact that it was [composer] who thought of it, because he is a jerkwad.
SGM: That has indeed been brought up.
Me: I should think so.

Ah, singers. I've been one.

Singer: It's an instrumental.
Me: No, it's vocal.
Singer: But there's no vocal part.
Me: Yeah, the last soloist probably just didn't return it. When [arranger] comes in, I'll have him print another one.
Singer: But...we need to know what key it's in now.
Me: ...okay...?
Singer: How can we tell what key it's in?
Me: From...all the other parts?

Is There a Tier IV?

Al: I haven't met the conductor, but I've met the stage manager, who is also the timpanist.
Me: Ah. That gives me a lot of information right there.
Al: Yeah, that tells you where we are with this.

So many identities withheld, but most are guessable

IW: [good conductor] is coming tomorrow, to do kind of a conducting master class-y thing. With [bad conductor].
Me: Hold on. The worst conductor the chorus has had in the past ten years at least is going to have a coaching session with the best conductor the chorus has ever had? In front of the chorus?
IW: And it was [bad conductor]'s idea.
Me: Wow. That's...brave. I'm not sure it's going to work out as favorably for him as he thinks.
IW: I'm sure [good conductor] won't humiliate him too badly. Gay men have class.

Success!

Mike B: *whistling*
Matt: Great. Now that's stuck in my head, asshole.
Mike B: That worked better than I could have hoped.

Starring Jet Li

Me: This is pretty good, actually.
Greg: What is it?
Me: Chef's cheese, refried beans, Monterey jack, bacon, and taco sauce. On the last tortilla.
Greg: The last tortilla!
Me: John Woo's "The Last Tortilla."
Greg: Ooh!
Me: I would see that.
Greg: Two tacos face off with one another...in Hong Kong.

So at Christmas? We have rum punch?

Kirsten: If elephants can eat poop, I can drink wine from the bottle.
Greg H: If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.

Thyme Keeps on Flippin' into the Suture

Me: That's why you shouldn't cook after surgery.
...
Me: God, that was shameful.
Greg: Yes! Yes, it was!

Can't Stop the Music

Greg: Uh oh.
Me: Are we out of champagne?
Greg: We are.
Me: Damnit! I'm never going to make it through this Village People movie.

Kids. What can you do?

Greg: Noah said something about always look on the bright side of life.

Me: And then everyone started whistling.

Greg: No, and then Arnie said "don't ever say that again, because now I have [singing] in my head."

Me: Ah.

Greg: And then the intern asked where that was from.

Me: And then you euthanized him.

Greg: No.

Me: Hm.

She never begs; she knows how to choose them

Me: That's more ZZ Top than I thought I knew.

Greg: That's more ZZ Top than I thought you knew.

Man-to-English Translation

Greg: Nice dress.
Me: Nice boobs.
Greg: That's what I meant.

The texts are coming from inside the house!

Me: Are you home and I didn't notice? Because I hear someone walking around upstairs.
Greg: Yes. How do you not notice?!
Me: Dude, I have locked myself in the bathroom and was about to call the police. No way your car was here when I got home.
Greg: It was.
Me: You have a cloaking device, then.

Later...
Me: I categorically deny that your car was in the garage when I got home!
Greg: And I categorically assert that it was!
Me: Cloaking device! It's the only answer!

Like the Pioneers Would Have

Caller: I know you don't have power, but I need to ask you [rather basic question].
Me: [answer].
Caller: Wow! Okay, [tougher question].
Me: That one I don't know, but I can give you the number of the person to call. Just give me a second...okay, it's [number].
Caller: Wait a minute, how did you know that if the power is off?
Me: I...have it written down?
Caller: Oh, MAN!

Later...
Me: ...and he was like, "Oh, MAN!"
Matt: No.
Me: Yes.
Matt: Wow. That...scares me.

Not sure how to take this...

Greg: Oh, someone made an RPG based on Torchwood. That'd be fun.
Me: If you're gay.
Greg: What? You could play Owen.

Copyright: A Summary

CPT: Have we heard back on any of the stuff we were waiting on?
Me: No. None of it.
CPT: Which were the things we were wondering about?
Me: All of them.

Unite!

Me: Rstevens says "Free yourself from the tyranny of pants! Onwards toward nudity!"
Greg: Excellent! Tell him I fully support his movement and wish to obtain some pamphlets!

On Lobster

Greg: I have to wonder, how does a giant scavenger insect living at the bottom of the sea get so tasty? It doesn't make sense.

Salt! Salt! Salt!

Mike: Nothing makes me want to destroy humanity more than Parrotheads.

Subbin'

Me: Half this choir is subs. They were reading "Assumpta est Maria"
and had to be told it was for Assumption.
Greg: Well, what did you assume?
Me: I assumed you'd say that, for one thing.