Arms Control

Greg: Apparently over the holidays, Stephanie's boyfriend was going to buy a gun, but the line at Bass Pro was so long he gave up and left.
Me: So he rage-quit buying a gun?
Greg: Yeah.
Me: ...perfect!

Bluegrass Band Banter

Bass player: We do weddings, and Davy's been keeping track of how many optimistic love songs we know.
Guitar player: I have six, and there are four others I know, but I don't know when we'll get to 'em.
Mandolin player: We do have a money-back guarantee.
Guitar player: If you get divorced, we'll play that for free.
Bass player: The songs'll be a lot more appropriate.
Guitar player: I don't know if the show will be any better, but it'll last longer.

On Honey Boo-Boo

Greg: I just can't put in the effort to be horrified.

Managing Expectations

Greg: If you can't get healthy, at least you can amuse your therapist.

From PAX East 2012

Question: Would you rather go without cheese, or oral sex?
Jerry: Like all cheese? How are we fixed for other dairy products?
Mike, very quietly: I would go without oral sex.

This one is from last January, and I keep re-finding it in my phone

Greg: Who ever heard of Buff State University?
Me: Apparently their bodybuilding team is well known.
Greg: Is that a joke?
Me: Yes.
Greg: Thank you for finding it.

The Fourth Estate

Kirsten: Whatever happened to freedom of the press?
Rich: They're stifling dissent!
Me: Yes, the Cape Cod Times is known for that.

Never Knew Me a Better Time

Me: Was "Crocodile Rock" playing in there?
Greg: Yeah.
Me: Oh, good. I was wondering how it got in my head.
Greg: Yes, there was was a reason.
Me: Good. I was afraid I'd gone from zero to "Crocodile Rock" with no provocation.
Greg: Scary!

Wrongness

Me: Did you see the wrong thing I sent you?
DM: Hm?
Me: I sent you a wrong thing.
DM: Oh, you know I love those. How wrong is it?
Me: All the way wrong.
DM: Is it so wrong it backs into right? Because you know sometimes...
Me: Nope, this gets to the center of wrong and just stops dead right there.
DM: Ouch.

It Comes in Threes

Me: In regard to Donna Summer and Robin Gibb, someone on Twitter said "God must really hate disco." And I was like, hello, Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau.
Matt: Well, what God really hates is song cycles.
Me: "If I have to listen to Winterreisse one more time, I swear to Me..."

From the Meeting

SGM: I think we have a problem. Not only is he under the table, he's also sucking his thumb.

Perfectly Reasonable Conversation

Me: Your lancets are so skinny!
Greg: Yeah, they don't fit. I have to get fatter lancets.
Me: With a "ph," of course.
Greg: Yes, phat lancets.
Me: Phat Lancets would be an all-diabetic rap group.
Greg: Educational, I should think.
Me: My name's MC Langerhans and I'm here to say / your blood sugar shouldn't fluxuate too much over the course of a day.
Greg: Exactly.

Yes, More Tired, We Know

Greg: The thing is, I bought groceries that need to be put away.
Me: Is there, like, stuff that would actually suffer from not being put away?
Greg: Yes.
Me: It would be nice if you would go put those away.
Greg: It would be nice if you would go put those away.
Me: Are we going to have to have a Who's Tireder-Off?
Greg: Probably.
Me: I'm tireder.
Greg: I'm tireder.
Me: ...alright, gimme a minute.
Greg: Yay.

Not Morning People

Me: Do you want me to make sure you're awake before I leave?
Greg: What time do you leave?
Me: 5:45.
Greg: No.

Boosey & Hawkes

DM: I think they're just spectacularly disorganized.
Me: No, they're genuinely assholes.
DM: Aw, I was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Guess where he works!

Me: Oh, man, have you lost like a ton of weight?
Rob: I've been swimming almost constantly. When work pisses me off, I just say "take it to the pool." So, y'know, in the past two months I've lost 25 pounds.

Minimalism

Vince: It wasn't that hard. All I had to do was think like [percussionist].
Me: There's so many jokes there, I don't even know where to start.
Vince: I know! That's why I stopped at "think like [percussionist];" it's really all you need.

As Diva as He Can Get

Jay: Why isn't Matt [copying] that?
Vince: Because I...I want to do it! It's my last chart!
Me: He wants Matt standing behind him, at attention.
Vince: Yes!
Me: And flags. The Army flag on one side of the copier, and the US flag on the other.
Vince: Yes! That's what I want! Why isn't that happening?!

Know Your Enemy

Kim: Okay, what do I need to know?
Me: He hates medleys. He wants modular things that can be put together in different sets, but then he wants the whole set bound together under one cover. And when you DO do medleys, he hates long transitional sections. Anything over 8 bars, he'll cut.
Kim: *goes on leave*
Laura: *returns from leave*
Laura: Okay, what do I need to know? Kim didn't tell me anything.
Me: He hates medleys. He wants modular things that can be put together in different sets, but then he wants the whole set bound together under one cover. And when you DO do medleys, he hates long transitional sections. Anything over 8 bars, he'll cut.

Later
COL: I'm sure they'll be calling you soon.
Me: Oh, Kim called in advance.
COL: What'd you tell her?
Me: I said "He hates medleys. He wants modular things that can be put together in different sets, but then he wants the whole set bound together under one cover."
COL: And long intros! If they're more than 8 bars, I'm cuttin' 'em!

Music Selection

Conductor: It has clapping?
Me: It has clapping and stomping.
Conductor: Oh, we are SO doing that.