The Norman Rockwell Code

Me: Was that not a better Don Knotts than you're used to expecting?
Mike: I'm not sure that's a phrase I can be at peace with.

Double Entendre

IW: Is that why there's a drip in the colonel's office?

That's a Nice Word For It

Me: ...and I said, "surely he hasn't worked there that long," and he said "Man, he's been there since Jesus was in knickers."

Greg: That's...picturesque.

As Long As It's Not Our Fault

Publisher: We want to use excerpts of a work tape you made of one of our songs, in a sampler to advertize that song. How do we get permission to use the recording?

Me: Technically you don't have to. It's part of the public record, so the only protected element is your tune.
Publisher: That's what I thought. But this CD--it looks really informal, and it says "not for broadcast" and...
Me: Yeah, that's for your protection, not ours. It's so you don't get screwed.
Publisher: But we get screwed all the time!
Me: Sure, but not by us.
Publisher: Got it.

Drip

Me: Oh, Shari Shari Shari Shari Shari.
Shari: What?
Me: You're going to have a bad, bad rehearsal.
Shari: How do you know?
Me: COL has a leak in his office, dripping into a bucket. Which means COL has a recurring sound over which he has no control.

Shari: Ooh. That's bad.
Me: That is bad.
Shari: Now I really don't want to play second today. I'll be closer to the line of fire.

Or Is It?

Greg: There you are.
Me: I was just adding you to my blog.
Greg: Damnit! Oh...no, wait...that's good.

So Close, and Yet...

Greg: If there were two more of us, we could be Weezer!

And After That, I Forbade Him to Speak

Me: You're Mister No-Fun. Or rather Doctor No-Fun.
Greg: I'm Doctor Killjoy, the nemesis of Doctor Feelgood.

Another I Wasn't There For

Erica: So don't you want to eat the donuts when you pick them up every morning?
Carl: No, they send me for donuts because I'm like Frodo with the ring. I'm the only one who won't try anything.

Investment Advice

Greg: I'm going to defer to you on this one.
Me: Yeah, 'cuz I have the "For Dummies" book, so obviously I know more.

Interview with the Composer Scoring Da Vinci Code

Interviewer: Have you read it?
Hans Zimmer: Of course. I spend a lot of time on airplanes.

Better Off Not Knowing

Steve: That bathroom needs a big "EXHIBITIONISTS WELCOME" banner outside.
Me: Does it have a window?
Steve: Huge, huge window, right out onto the parking lot. And if you're five years old, like me, and you drop your pants around your ankles to pee...
Susan: We have a guy at work that does that. Ask me how I know.
John: We'd rather not, thanks.

When hearts are high, the time will fly!

Me: I need this stamp on the bottom of the cover and first page of music of each part, and this stamp on the top of the cover and first page of music of each part.

IW: Is there a song we sing while we do this?
Me: No, we just rest in the knowledge that the stamping sound annoys the heck out of the colonel.
IW: That'll do.

At Uncle Willlard's 90th Birthday Party

Louise: I have to get your new phone number. I called the wrong one and got some weird person.
Willard: You could've gotten that even if you had the right number.

Office Supply Storage

Mike B: Where would I find a Sharpie?
Me: I think there's one in my pocket.
Mike B: I wouldn't have thought to look there.

Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones, part 2

Computer Game: All you do is taunt and insult me!
Me: All you do is taunt and insult me!
Greg: You say it again, like it'll change something.
Computer Game: I've put up with you for entirely too long.
Greg: I've put up with you for entirely too long.

Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones

Computer Game: Enough! All you do is taunt and insult me!
Me: All you do is taunt and insult me!
Greg: I know! Isn't it great?

Fine, You Can Be 200th

Sarah: Oh man, did you see that thing on the birdhouse? It's a big ol' cross.
Greg: Well, of course. God loves people who let the birds know they're Christian.
Sarah: "God loves people who let the birds know they're Christian?" What does that even mean?
Greg: Exactly what it says!
Sarah: You are trying to be the 200th post, aren't you?

Basic Training Conversation Of Which I Was Just Reminded

DS Seidel: How come no one on this side has anything to contribute?
Me: I raised my hand earlier, drill sergeant.
DS Seidel: Well, what?
Me: Oh, it's moot now, drill sergeant.
DS Seidel: It's what?
Me: Moot, drill sergeant.
DS Bates: He's eleven bravo, Anderson.
Me: Ah. Um, I forgot what I was going to say, drill sergeant.
DS Seidel: That's what I thought.

Let's Be Clear: He Wasn't Talking to Me

Greg (to computer game): Stop giving me stupid blue balls!
Me: Ha! Guess who's gonna be on the blog!
Greg: Damnit! I forgot the blog! Otherwise I would have watched what I was saying!