Training

Me: Things to do today: talk about urine, light stuff on fire. Done and done.

Wally: It just doesn’t get any better than this.

C/FOUO

Me: So this robotic kidney you're making...
Greg: I didn't say we were making it.
Me: Well, you never say anything about what you do at work, so we may as well assume you're making robotic kidneys.
Greg: Fair enough.

Retirement

COL H: Here’s a business card for [weird old guy]. You want one too?

Me: Sure. I’ll put it in my scrapbook.

COL H: I’m running out of uses for them.

Me: Well, you could wallpaper your bathroom.

If they could just stay little...

COL H: Lieutenant!

LT: Yes, sir!

COL H: Get to work!

LT: Yes, sir!

Me: They’re so cute when they’re new.

Keep it Short

Me: [weird old guy] was here.

COL H: Yeah, I heard him.

Me: He demands a business card from you, which I don’t have.

COL H: Demands? Why?

Me: I find when dealing with [weird old guy], it’s best not to ask questions.

COL H: Gotcha.

Damnit!

COL P: You know, some time I’m going to figure out that you’re not really here, and that it’s just a hologram or…

Me: Processing. Please wait.

COL P: Aha!

The Pickle Party

Invitation: We'll be brining snacks!

Festive!

Vince: I don't know why it printed two copies of the drum set part.
LT: Maybe there will be two drummers drumming.
Me: And a partridge in a pear tree.
LT: You're very...quick.
Me: That's a nice word for it, sir.

As he walked by the second time

LT: The building’s actually spinning, and I’m still in one place.

ME: Ohhhh….hurts….

Rue the day? Who talks like that?

Me: Someday, I will not be taking up all your space. But today is not that day.

Mike B: Then today is the day you will one day rue.

Me: That’s fair.

Mike B: Well, go on then, rue!

Me: *rue*

Mike B: That’s better.

All the really good tunes are rentals

Me: Here you go. And before you get any crazy ideas, it’s $455 for the first performance, $300 each additional.

LT: You’re such a buzzkill.

Me: Hooah.

Circle in a Spiral

LT: Yes?
Me: Oh, I just sent you an email about what I wanted to tell you about.
LT: Oh, okay.
Me: Or I could just tell you about it now.
LT: Sure.
Me: This is going to be pretty meta, because I'm going to tell you what was in the email, in which I described a voice mail.
LT: Oh, wow. This is getting kind of...
Me: Or, hey, since you're not in your office, I could call now and leave you another voice mail about it.
LT: Nah, just write me a note.

Prolly shouldn'ta yelled like that, sir.

LT: Why is the paper curling up?
Me: Because it's so freakin' humid!!!

$12,600 Invoice

Me: This was in my mailbox just now, and it's wow not mine.
Bernie: Wow. It's not mine either.

Was it even worth the effort?

Me: You haven’t once tripped on my lieutenant-tripping device. I’m starting to wonder if it was worth dragging it up here.

LT: Should I have tripped on it?

Me: They usually do.

LT: “They” meaning officers, or just lieutenants?

Me: Just lieutenants.

LT: I’d believe that.

Short Call About Fast Shipping

Me: How fast could we get the score to the Odom transcription of “Short Ride in a Fast Machine,” but still have the shipping cost less than the score itself?

Dealer: Ooh, that’s a new one.

Me: Well, the person who wants it is also the budget officer.

Overheard at Camden Yards

Yankees Fan 1: Hey, the Orioles hats have little birds on the backs. I never noticed that. I wonder what kind of bird it is.
Yankees Fan 2: It's an oriole.

The Quickest Way to Determine that the Lounge Singer on the Cruise Ship is Not a Native Speaker of English

Lounge Singer: Another bride, another tomb...

Marriage Advice from the Voice of Experience

Mike: Marriage is really just a series of blackmails and mutually-assured-destruction treaties.
Me: *sniff* That's beautiful. Can you cross-stitch that for me?
Mike: Hmmm...might be too late to have it completed by your wedding. Perhaps for your 1st Anniversary, which I believe is, traditionally, the "Self Deception" Anniversary. That or Paper.
Me: When's "Loathing," then? Second?
Mike: Oh, no, I think it's like 8 or 9. "Plotting" is traditionally 10, so it's shortly before that.
Me: *pfft* Like we’d make it that far. I'm hoping for four...what's that, "Petty Annoyance?"
Mike: That's three. Four is "Escalating Frustration," with the traditional gift being a poke in the eye.
Me: A gift I give every day.
Mike: Well then how will it be special on year 4?
Me: Manicure!
Mike: See there, you're gonna do just fine.

Not Helping

Me: [recount various items of wedding planning badness]
Beth: Well, you're coming into the home stretch, and it's only gonna get uglier from here.