Later

Greg: My very own Necronomicon. Too bad it's a copy.
Me: Jeez.
Greg: When I ask you to get me an ancient artifact...
Me: How was I supposed to know?
Greg: The real Necronomicon isn't made of paper.

Initial Reaction

Me: Here's a Necronomicon from Mike.
Greg: Thank you! Is it made of human skin?
Me: I'm pretty sure it's just copier paper.
Greg: Pfft.

The Presence of Sausages

Me: Isn't that the collective noun?

Why We're Not Allowed to Name Military Operations

Me: Jungle pancakes.
Greg: So you're just going to say "jungle pancakes" periodically, at random?
Me: Sure. Jungle pancakes.
Greg: Can I say "corpse pants?"
Me: Sure.
Greg: Corpse pants!
Me: Corpse pants. That's actually harder to say than jungle pancakes.
Greg: Not really. Corpse pants, corpse pants, corpse pants.
Me: Jungle pancakes.

Overtime

SGM: Are you studying?

Me: Nah, I’m just screwing around.

SGM: As long as you’re not working.

The Pants Story

Me: Okay, go ahead and tell your pants story.

Greg: What pants story?

Me: You’re kidding.

Greg: What?

Me: The enchanted pants.

Greg: What are you talking about?

Me: The enchanted pants story you’ve been going on about for days.

Greg: What enchanted pants?

Me: Are you kidding me? For days! Enchanted pants!

Greg: What are you talking about?

Me: The enchanted pants story.

Greg: What enchanted pants story?

Me: With the corpses.

Greg: Oh, that!

Craig: You know what? Just stop there. No story can live up to that lead-in.

After a survey of receipts in my wallet revealed I buy nothing but food and gas

Mike: Consume! Consume!! Why do you hate America?

Too Many Covers of "Ring of Fire"

Me: Debbie Harry?

Greg: No.

Me: Nancy Sinatra?

Greg: No.

Me: Olivia Newton-John?

Greg: Yes!

Rating

LT: You are awesome.

Me: Can I get that in writing?

LT: Sure. Can you use that on an NCOER?

Me: Strangely, I’m going to have to guess no-ish. Nor “rulez.”

LT: How about “phat?”

Me: Oh, sure. “His demonstrated commitment to safety is totally phat, yo.”

Did I Say the Wrong Thing?

Greg: ...which is to say, he's good at his job, but he annoys everyone.
Me: So, like me!
Greg: Yes! I mean no. I mean...what?

Training

Me: Things to do today: talk about urine, light stuff on fire. Done and done.

Wally: It just doesn’t get any better than this.

C/FOUO

Me: So this robotic kidney you're making...
Greg: I didn't say we were making it.
Me: Well, you never say anything about what you do at work, so we may as well assume you're making robotic kidneys.
Greg: Fair enough.

Retirement

COL H: Here’s a business card for [weird old guy]. You want one too?

Me: Sure. I’ll put it in my scrapbook.

COL H: I’m running out of uses for them.

Me: Well, you could wallpaper your bathroom.

If they could just stay little...

COL H: Lieutenant!

LT: Yes, sir!

COL H: Get to work!

LT: Yes, sir!

Me: They’re so cute when they’re new.

Keep it Short

Me: [weird old guy] was here.

COL H: Yeah, I heard him.

Me: He demands a business card from you, which I don’t have.

COL H: Demands? Why?

Me: I find when dealing with [weird old guy], it’s best not to ask questions.

COL H: Gotcha.

Damnit!

COL P: You know, some time I’m going to figure out that you’re not really here, and that it’s just a hologram or…

Me: Processing. Please wait.

COL P: Aha!

The Pickle Party

Invitation: We'll be brining snacks!

Festive!

Vince: I don't know why it printed two copies of the drum set part.
LT: Maybe there will be two drummers drumming.
Me: And a partridge in a pear tree.
LT: You're very...quick.
Me: That's a nice word for it, sir.

As he walked by the second time

LT: The building’s actually spinning, and I’m still in one place.

ME: Ohhhh….hurts….

Rue the day? Who talks like that?

Me: Someday, I will not be taking up all your space. But today is not that day.

Mike B: Then today is the day you will one day rue.

Me: That’s fair.

Mike B: Well, go on then, rue!

Me: *rue*

Mike B: That’s better.