Job Satisfaction

Dan: Why is it I always seem to catch you on a bad day?

Me: Because that’s the only kind there are?

Gift List Issues

Me: You're really easy to shop for, it's just that the things you want and the things your mother wants to buy you...
Greg: Have a null intersect. Form a disconnected space. Are mutually exclusive.
Me, writing: Okay, slow down...
Greg: I'm trying to think of an algebra one, but I can't think of anything good. Sits in the center of a nontrivial exact sequence?

Win

Me: Your victory was only temporary.
Greg: No, my victory was awesome.

From the Last Day in Norwich

Me: The question is, how many tics can I give you by the time we get to the airport?
Greg: Probably four.

If only I knew which was which

Either Greg or Sarah: Since when is thinking illegal?

The other: Since I became the mind police.

Coming Soon!

Jenn: Crouching Picasso, Hidden Bull!

Equivalence

Me: Best Mike Gift Ever!
Greg: I know! That means Jen will hate you forever.
Me: Damnit.
Greg: Well, the two are equivalent: the better the Mike gift, the more
Jen-hated it is.

The Baby Borrowers

Greg: We're watching cute children being manhandled by people who are
not their parents.
Craig: ...dot com.

It's Not Just No Self-Esteem, It's Negative Self-Esteem

Greg: I'm going to use the bathroom.
Me: I'm going to think ill of myself.
Greg: Why?
Me: I'm good at it? Wait...damnit! How can I think ill of myself and think I'm good at something at the same time?

He Did Ask

Saxophone Player: I got an instrument for my wife so we can play duets. Guess what I got her! What instrument can absolutely anybody play with no lessons?
Me: Saxophone.

lolmikez

Mike: My nachur perservz, let me show you them.

Not Quite So Great Minds

Greg: There’s a store over there called Tot Shot.

Me: Hm.

Greg: …

Me: …

Greg: …

Me: I’ve come up with several explanations for it, and none are appropriate.

Greg: Me, too.

Me: One involves a trebuchet.

Greg: Me, too!

Me: My other one is a tiny, kid-sized firing range.

Greg: Oh. My other one involves syringes.

Awards

(overheard at a diner in Ohio)

Man: She got a medal for valor.
Woman: What kind?
Man: Bronze Star.
Woman: I thought valor was a Silver Star.
Man: Well, there's that, too.
Woman: So what's silver for? More valor?
Man: Pretty much.
Woman: So what kind of star did you get?
Man: Plastic.

Hint: parts of it are in another room

Sign: COPIER EXTREMELY BROKEN

LT: So it’s not black and white, it’s on a scale of brokenness? It’s not totally broken?

Me: No, it’s beyond just being broken. It’s extremely broken.

Lt: Oh. Well, then you should just put “Copier > Broken.”

What is Truth?

Jake: I don't really buy in to that. Wikipedia says it lacks validity.

Cause of Injury: Office Supplies

Me: And if it doesn’t work, we’ll get bigger binder clips.

Bernie: Ask Gene. He’s got binder clips that’ll take your arm off.

Plan B

Mike B: I think my planning effort should go into an escape route, rather than a congratulatory speech.

Panty hose sizes

Kevin: Queen, EE, Recapitulation, Aubergine.

Pun Reaction

Greg: I knew that was coming.
Kevin: And yet, you did not bake a cake.

Seaweed Beer

Trip: More seaweed!
Toonhead: That wasn't kelpy enough, you bitch!
Trip: Agar! Agar! Agar!