Guess where he works!

Me: Oh, man, have you lost like a ton of weight?
Rob: I've been swimming almost constantly. When work pisses me off, I just say "take it to the pool." So, y'know, in the past two months I've lost 25 pounds.

Minimalism

Vince: It wasn't that hard. All I had to do was think like [percussionist].
Me: There's so many jokes there, I don't even know where to start.
Vince: I know! That's why I stopped at "think like [percussionist];" it's really all you need.

As Diva as He Can Get

Jay: Why isn't Matt [copying] that?
Vince: Because I...I want to do it! It's my last chart!
Me: He wants Matt standing behind him, at attention.
Vince: Yes!
Me: And flags. The Army flag on one side of the copier, and the US flag on the other.
Vince: Yes! That's what I want! Why isn't that happening?!

Know Your Enemy

Kim: Okay, what do I need to know?
Me: He hates medleys. He wants modular things that can be put together in different sets, but then he wants the whole set bound together under one cover. And when you DO do medleys, he hates long transitional sections. Anything over 8 bars, he'll cut.
Kim: *goes on leave*
Laura: *returns from leave*
Laura: Okay, what do I need to know? Kim didn't tell me anything.
Me: He hates medleys. He wants modular things that can be put together in different sets, but then he wants the whole set bound together under one cover. And when you DO do medleys, he hates long transitional sections. Anything over 8 bars, he'll cut.

Later
COL: I'm sure they'll be calling you soon.
Me: Oh, Kim called in advance.
COL: What'd you tell her?
Me: I said "He hates medleys. He wants modular things that can be put together in different sets, but then he wants the whole set bound together under one cover."
COL: And long intros! If they're more than 8 bars, I'm cuttin' 'em!

Music Selection

Conductor: It has clapping?
Me: It has clapping and stomping.
Conductor: Oh, we are SO doing that.

From Detroit down to Houston, to the oceans white with foam

Me: Apparently one of our encores this tour is "God Bless the America."
Jane: I shudder to think who wrote that.
Me: Irving Greenwood?

Surprise! We're Capable!

Librarian of big famous orchestra: So...what are you sending?
Me: We're sending--actually we have sent--the new anthem, Let Freedom Ring, and Stars and Stripes in the band key, which is Ab to Eb.
Librarian: Oh! And did you send...real parts?
Me: Yes.
Librarian: Oh! And scores?
Me: Yes.
Librarian: Oh! And...how many strings, if you recall?
Me: 8-7-6-5-4.
Librarian: Oh! And how did you send it?
Me: FedEx.
Librarian: Oh! To my attention?
Me: Yes.
Librarian: Oh! I guess...we're all set then.
Me: Yep.

Pleasure Doing Business With You

Me: Hey, I need to go through a bunch of money real fast. Can you charge my card and let me carry a balance?
Vendor: Sure. Lemme make sure I have the right account...okay, how much?
Me: Two thousand dollars.
Vendor: Okay, we'll invoice you.
Me: Great.
Vendor: Anything else?
Me: Nope, that's it.

Tell Him I'm Not Talking To Him

Jonathan: I'm giving you the silent treatment. That's how we adults deal with conflict.

Drunken Diptych

Moira: It's so nice to see Americans really drink.

---

Me: What is it about England that makes people drink?
Chris: The English.

Poor kid never learned what a nonagon was.

John: The older kid's school was mad because we're taking her out for two more days than she's allowed to miss in a school year. I mean, you tell me this isn't an educational trip. Today we saw the Rosetta Stone. What were they going to talk about that was more important?
Me: But you missed a discussion of shapes!

Last Man Standing

Peter: You want anything?
Me: I'm taking a break.
Peter: That's not really fair; none of the rest of us are.

They Call Me the Child-Choker!

Me: I bought a Kinder egg.
Karen: *gasp* You're so bad!

The first rule of pub crawl...

Michael: I don't think you understand. When James says "ten minutes," you need to chug.
Me: You're new to this pub crawl. We have rules.
Rob: I've had it up to here with The Man and your rules.

Class Wars

Me: You guys have a Corona bucket. We have a Grolsch bucket. That makes us somehow better.
Chris: You're like, "We're so Euro!"

Suburban Gangsta

Me: Yeah, I'm gonna roll up to the farmers' market in my Prius, wearing my Toms, carrying my natural cotton bags.
Greg: Awwww, yeah.

Cheesemaking

Me: Eeeuuulgh. How many molds is that?
Greg: Three, at least. Maybe four.

The Inventors

Matt: You know what I need? A magnet on a long stick.
Me: With a mirror.
Matt: Or a camera!
Me: And a little grabber claw.
Matt: And a gun! Hell, at that point, why not go all out?!
Me: Let's do this thing!

Actually, Drop 7

Me: My computer's been on the Welcome screen for half an hour.
IT Guy: Awesome! *typingtypingtyping* Okay, I told it to restart. If it stays hung for another five minutes...
Me: Eh, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. With my phone, if you know what I mean.
IT Guy: Ah, Angry Birds Rio.

This is what I live with.

Greg: I'm going to to "pbbblt" out of at least two orifices!