You Don't Often Hear

Me: Dude, this Newburg is the shiznit.

From my series...

...of conversations that don't happen elsewhere in the Army:

SFC: You need this Super Trooper?
COL: Nah. You?
SFC: Yeah, I need me some brown boots.
COL: Knock yourself out.

Previously in the series:

SSG: *puts brownie on LTC's desk*
LTC: What's this?
SSG: A brownie.
LTC: Why do you do this to me?
SSG: I'm fattening you up so I can kill you and eat you.
LTC: Well, at least you're honest.

Pressure

Matt: All I have to do now is [list]
Me: And all that without weeping openly. I think that's the real issue.
Matt: Who's got time to weep?

TGIF

Beth: Nobody told me I was going to be in charge. I'm kind of feeling the 59-minute rule.
Sarah: I'm kind of feeling casual Friday. But that's because I'm still wearing casual Friday.
Beth: I'm feeling that, too.
Sarah: Try to feel the 119-minute rule.
Beth: I'll see what I can do.

How 'bout that fog?

Me: How 'bout that fog!?
Greg: How 'bout that fog!
Me: Who said that?
Greg: *silence*
Me: You're trying to gaslight me, aren't you?

Email of the Day. So Far. In Toto.

LT: Saxes? GOD FORBID!!!

This Phrase Pleases Me

"Boston Symphony Softball Team"

Didn't get the Humor Gene

Chris: I told you before, it's genetic. It's funny in our heads, and then it comes out and it's not funny anymore.

Aha!

Beth: That sounds way better than with the headphones!
Chris: See, air does do something!

Granted

Beth: I heard that, smart ass!
Chris: Better'n being a dumb ass.

Backpedaling

Me: Did you see how clever it made you look?
Greg: No.
Me: Not half as clever as you are.
Greg: Ah.
Me: You know, as covers go, that was one of my better ones.

iTunes

Me: So who is this?
Greg: Faith No More. At the height of their weirdness.
Me: Is that the name of the album?
Greg: No.
Me: Should it be?
Greg: Possibly.
Me: That can be the name of your tribute album.
Greg: Excellent.
Me: Because I knew you were struggling for a name for it.
Greg: True.
Me: Are you at the height of your weirdness?
Greg: Yes!
Me: I hadn't noticed.
Greg: It's very subtle. Actually I may be on the decline.
Me: That's sad.
Greg: Thank you.

Reactions to the Stapler in Jell-O

COL: What's that?
Me: It's a stapler in Jell-O.
COL: Well, obviously it's a stapler in Jell-O. I don't know why I asked. But is it art?

Aaron: I think...well, why is it a stapler in Jell-O?
Me: Because.
Aaron: Right. Okay.

Mark S: Is there a story behind that?
Me: Not that I know of.
Mark S: Well. Okay, then.

Joel: Is that Jell-O?
Me: Yes.
Joel: Yay! *jumps up and down to make floor shake*

Jeff: Awesome.

Mike B: So did it break apart, or have people been eating it?
Me: It broke apart.
Mike B: Thank God.

LT: So...
Me: It's a stapler in Jell-O.
LT: Of course it is. Where did it come from?
Me: Erica.
LT: I should have known that.

Todd: What's that?
Me: It's a stapler in Jell-O.
Todd: That's awesome. It's like art.

Mark R: It can't be art. It's not offensive to anyone. It needs to have, like, little plastic Jesus and Mohammed figurines stuck in it.

Jackie: It looks...so...bad!

Sentences I Don't Want To Hear The Rest Of

SGM McGhee (to SGM Schultz): So if you give me a massage here...

You gotta take the openings the world gives you, 3rd ed.

Scott: Is this the COL's study box?
Me: Yes.
Scott: It looks so small!
Erica: That's what she said!

The Sicut cervus problem explained

Steve: ...and then I forgot how to read music in the middle of it. "What are these dots and lines?"
Susan: "Is it some kind of code?"
Steve: "What could it mean?"

Too Easy

Steve: Damn I'm good.
Susan: Are you? Coulda fooled me.

False Start

Steve: Uch...the Sicut cervus...
Me: I think you mean Sicut sicut cervus.
Steve: More like "Sicut ce--sicut cervus."
Me: "See cootch?" You can't say that in church!
Steve: Do you think they were even listening?
Me: God is always listening. He heard you say "see cootch" in His house!

Comedy Memo Excerpt

Need to submit dollar figures for FY06 budget information and FY07 budget projections. Even if you have previously submitted FY06 figures, please review them to ensure accuracy. I know of at least one that is likely incorrect (I know times are rough, but I doubt that anyone's budget was only $198.00 this year). Thanks.

You gotta take the openings the world gives you, 2nd ed.

David: Aw, I have to ride with the girls?
Mikki: You are a girl.
David: I am what I eat!
Me: Dude, you've been waiting since junior high to use that, haven't you?

Security

Me: Did I leave that window open all night? I suck!
Shari: It's still hot in here.
Me: Okay, maybe I don't suck so bad, then.

Faith No More

Me: Can you dress up a dead man?
Greg: No, I can't dress up a dead man.
Me: Can you...
Greg: No, I can't bring him back to life.
Me: Aw, man.

Expectation of Excitement

Greg: It was weird. I don't understand why everyone was so boring...okay, maybe that's not an exception...but I do expect a little more interest.

3-CD Shuffle

Me: This doesn't sound like race music or heist music.
Greg: Are you sure it's Yello?
Me: It ain't the Jackson 5.
Greg: And it doesn't sound like TMBG. Or children's music.
Me: No. Unless you're Brian Eno's children.
Greg: And then you just say, "Daddy, why do we have to listen to this?"
Me: "I feel like I'm in an airport." "Hey, thanks, honey!"

Comparison

Me: How do you like having a conversation and having it immediately appear on the web?
Greg: It's a little disturbing.
Me: It's like datamining, only less insidious. Well...maybe the same amount of insidious.
Greg, cheerfully: Certainly not any more insidious!
Me: Okay, now I have to write that down.

Grandma's Pork Roll

Me: So, about dinner.
Greg: Yes?
Me: When I was a child...
Greg: oh dear.
Me: ...I was led to believe, probably by my mother, that when Grandma made pork roll, it was a big deal. Cause for celebration. Only for special occasions. So I just made it. It's one step more elaborate than meatloaf, and the ingredients cost less than $3.50.
Greg: Aw, how's disillusionment, Sarah?

Broken Suspension

David: Dude, look at that guy's rear wheel.
Me: That's what you get for having a fat girlfriend.
David: Nah, cheap after-market parts.
Me: ...and a fat girlfriend.

Pl4nz

Me: What are we doing tomorrow? Oh, I remember.
Greg: We have plans.
Me: Yes, with a Z.
Steve: Ooh!
Me: And a 4.
Steve: You're that 1337.
Greg: 1337 defines us. Or rather, we define 1337.
Steve: You pwn 1337, to some extent.

Basic Necessities

Greg: Dude! I have a 35-pound cymbal-playing monkey right now! I don't need anything else!

FYI

https://www.delta.com/traveling_checkin/baggage/special_baggage/fragile_bulky/antlers/index.jsp

Everyone Knows it was Larry

What they meant: ...would like to remain anonymous.
What they typed: ...would like remain anonymous.
What we parsed: ...would, like, remain anonymous.

The Stifling Girlfriend

Me: You've got to stop throwing cats into the river.
Greg: You never let me do anything fun!

Failure to Communicate

Greg: I'm sorry, I parsed that as English.

QED

Greg: If I'd known that, I wouldn't have contradicted you.
Me: You shouldn't contradict me in general.
Greg: I disagree.

Command Decision

LTC: ...and it's going to cost $3500, and they can't get it to us until February 15.
COL: I'm not paying $3500.
LTC: Exactly.
COL: Who has the balls to charge $3500?
Me: It's the only source. They're in the Netherlands.
COL: Tell them to pound sand.
Me: Outstanding. Do you know how to say that in French?

Quote of the Day

I hate it when I'm not even there for the quote of the day. Regardless...

Bill: Well, that was quite a Colonel-ex-machina.

Better Him Than Me

Yesterday, my cousin Kyle delivered his first son, on the floor of his bathroom, sometime between calling 911 and the paramedics arriving.

Ya think the neighbors wondered what all the screaming was about?

Seen Here, in Fig. 1

Greg: I don't remember what a monkey is.
Me: That's awesome. I'm gonna write that down.
Greg: Does that have to go on the blog, he asked with trepidation?
Me: Oh, hell yeah.

Another New Rule

If you cannot spell the solo you are requesting, you cannot sing that solo.

Fun Typo

"New York Nippodrome."

More Grove's Fun

Bladder and string. See Bumbass.

Today's Fun Fact About Sir William Sterndale Bennett

"Later he studied composition with Crotch."
        --New Grove's

Totally Different Fight

Me: Pants.
Greg: No pants.
Me: Pants.
Greg: No pants.
Me, whispering: Pants.
Greg, whispering: No pants.

Duh.

Greg: You put that on the blog? I'm offended!
Me: Dude, any time you start yelling that your garlic salt is not gay, that's pretty much a guarantee it's gonna be on the blog.

Well, true.

SGM: We love to redo work.
Me: Yeah, 'cuz what's more fun than Oslo version 3?
SGM: Oslo version 4.

Foiled!

Me: Doesn't it say something, though, that I love you even though your garlic salt is gay?
Greg: *pause* You're just trying to bait me!

Fight Continues

Me: Do you think your garlic salt made my rice gay?
Greg: MY GARLIC SALT IS NOT GAY!

Fight!

Greg: You're stating two different fallacies now! There are tiny elephants, and my garlic salt is not gay!
Me: There are no tiny elephants, and that is the gayest garlic salt I have ever seen.
Greg: How much garlic salt have you really come into contact with?
Me: Plenty!
Greg: I'm willing to bet that at least 50% of the garlic salt you have ever seen is more gay than mine.
Me: I assert that there is no garlic salt as gay as that. It is the most gay garlic salt.

A poem

Aeon Flux
was worth three bucks.

(doo dah, doo dah)

Photos I Wish I'd Taken, Updated Daily

Home on the Fringe Daily Photo

The Guest Conductor

Me: He says the one we have is the wrong edition, but the right edition is out of print. We're going to borrow TUSAB's set.

COL: Is it a different tune?
Me: No.
COL: So he's going to be one of those.
Me: He's going to be a bit of a diva, sir.
COL: Oh, he's a lot of a diva. He likes to be the center of attention.
Me: But conductors are never like that, sir!
COL: Aw, bullshit.

Bad Line Break @ Boosey

Great Choral Works: No
Orchestra Needed!

New Rule

No Sousa Vocals.

Seriously. They need to stop. They aren't good. At all.

Revelation

Jenn: Now I know why there isn't a door there--because I would slam it!

Brilliant New Musician Motto I Just Came Up With

Don't be the reason rehearsal had to stop.

The Prep Conductor Speaks

LT: Let's go back a bit. With all these page turns, I don't know who to believe.

All-Girl Metal Band Name

Fussy Parts

Band Name, courtesy of Washington Week

Toxic Cocktail

Deterrent

Joel: I got married when I was a month shy of my 20th birthday. I mean, the chance of that working out is like one in a million. But at least it kept me from getting hit on by the gay guys when I was at the University of Michigan...actually, no, it didn't.

You gotta take the openings the world gives you.

Mikki: How far is it to Pluto?
Eddie: Further than Uranus.

A Concert Band Moment

I just put Music for Prague in its proper place in the alphabetized bins: right between "A Motown Medley" and "Over the Rainbow."

Noun String of the Day

holiday concert streaming madness

Who needs march scores?

Me: The score box went before this last spate of marches was added. But you know what? They're in 2.
LTC: And when the band stops, turn around and bow.

Sex Scene for E-flat Clarinet

(apparently to the tune of "Santa Baby")

Measure 1: "pull out"
Measure 29: "push in"
Measure 53: "pull out"
Measure 67: "push in"

Mau Tai Postscript

Okay, now we're drunk.

And we're still belching it.

Happy New Year. Yee haw!

Mau Tai Summary

Don't belch it.

The end.

PS- Gambei!

Mau Tai Shot 9

Greg: Ow!
Me: Yeah!
Greg: Ow!
Me: Yeah!
Greg: Oh god...that one hurt...oh god...

Mau Tai Shot 8

Greg: Oh god! ...okay...whoo!

Mau Tai Shot 7

Me: Rabbit rabbit rabbit.
Greg: Argh! You're full of mau tai and you still got it!

Me: Oh, God! Don't belch it!
Greg: I just did! It burns all the way!

Mau Tai Shot 6

Greg: Gambai! *chug* *pause* *assess* I'm okay! That one didn't hurt as much. For some reason.

Mau Tai Shot 5

Dude, which shot is this? I totally thought it was 4.

Greg can't talk. Woohoo!

Mau Tai Shot 4

I'm belching it, and it burns.

Quote of the moment: Abstract expressionism is the highest form of murder. --Seanbaby

Mau Tai Shot 3

One of us is topless.

Mau Tai Shots 1 & 2...

...pass without event.

101.9 All Christmas All the Time

Greg (downstairs, in earshot of the radio): Sarah! You're missing Mariah Carey!
Me (upstairs, thankfully not in earshot of the radio): Excellent! You know what's great? I'm cleaning the bathroom, and I'd rather be cleaning the bathroom than listening to Mariah Carey.
Greg: Can I clean the bathroom?
Me: No.
Greg: Be careful. I'm never going to ask that again.
Me: I know. But I get the bathroom and you get Mariah Carey.
Greg: *pouts*

Numb Nuts PC Update

• Numb Nuts asks COL if Y is possible.
• COL asks me if Y is possible.
• I tell COL Y is not possible. I also mention how many times Soloist and I have already told Numb Nuts that Y is not possible. I tell him to tell Numb Nuts to use X.
• COL tells Numb Nuts Y is not possible, and to use X.
• Time passes.
• Soloist tells me X is off, and we need to pull some manner of Z out of the air.
  
  I'll keep everyone posted on this 'un. Should be good.

Poopy

I swear I sent a Numb Nuts update from my mac, and it's being ignored. Why does everyone hate Mac OS?

*sniffle*

It never hurt anyone. It's practically Unix!

Numb Nuts

Me to Numb Nuts: Give me your address so I can send you X.
Numb Nuts to Me: *nothing*

Me to Soloist: Give me numb nuts' address so I can send him X.
Soloist to Me: Here's the address. He wants Y instead of X now, but I told him Y isn't possible. Is that correct?
Me to Soloist: That's true, Y isn't possible.

Numb Nuts to Me: Soloist said Y was possible.
Me to Numb Nuts: Y isn't possible. Give me your address so I can send you X.
Numb Nuts to Me: *nothing*

Codify your Codes!

In case you're ever looking at Elinor Remick Warren's website, please note that NN stands for NYPL, CLU stands for UCLA, and DLC stands for the LOC.

Convenient!

Tempo! Tempo!

"Molto moderato" --Arnold Schoenberg, "Variation 5," Theme and Variations, Opus 43a

Useless Program Note du Jour

"La Reine de la Mer" was sometimes performed under the title "Queen of the Sea."
--Paul Bierley (who should know better)

Plan C

AF Band: The law does not apply to us!
The Law: Yes, it does.
AF Band: Okay, plan B. We ignore the law!
The Law: Like hell you will.
AF Band: Okay, plan C...er...we'll CHANGE the law!

*sigh* This will not end soon. I hope they have a plan D. I suggest: adhere to the law, like everyone else.

Consistency? Bah.

Here's the set list of the CD I'm cataloging right now:

Timepiece (2001)
Chamber Symphony (1993)
Stomp Igor (1998)
Canvas (2000)
Vortex (2000)
First Suite in E-flat (1909)

I can totally imagine the lead-up to that.

"Modern music is hard! My brain hurts."
"Yeah, but the CD is only like 40 minutes long."
"Eh, slap the Holst on the end. At least we won't have to rehearse it."
"Hey, yeah! Then we'll have a track anyone besides us will ever listen to!"

What I saw...

...Greg's nerd friend buying at the grocery store, in toto:

Toilet paper
Milk
Pop Tarts
Frozen Pizza
Doritos
Ramen

Never say "never." Or "only."

SGM K: ...and that's why Fort George G. Meade is the only post that uses the general's full name.
Me: Well, there's Fort Leonard Wood.
SGM K: And Fort Sam Houston.
Me: Right.
SGM K: So I guess it isn't.

Now that's rubato!

From a music catalog...

        Duration: 10'-26'

Look, just pick one.

The US Virgin Islands have a state song ("The Governor's Own") and a national anthem ("The US Virgin Islands March").

Who wants to tell them? Oh, I will. *ahem*

ATTENTION, CITIZENS OF THE VIRGIN ISLANDS. YOU ARE NEITHER A STATE NOR A NATION. YOU ARE A TERRITORY. WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE GUAM? YOU NEVER HEAR GUAM COMPLAINING AND MAKING UP THEIR OWN SONGS.

The PT Test is Over

Bad news, folks! For six whole months you're going to have to judge people on merit instead of body fat percentage! Uh-oh!

Yeah, baby! II

Said dial is labeled "Dial-A-Nap."

Yeah, baby!

I just noticed our cheap old vacuum has a dial on it with settings for "LOW," "MED," "HIGH," and "SHAG."

Sept Dances

MAJ: What's this "September Dances?"
Me: No, it's "Sept."
MAJ: Right.
Me: Like, seven. Dances. Sept Dances. Sept.
MAJ: I don't get it.

sw33t

The good news: I just found a music dealer whose phone number ends 1337.
The bad news: he almost certainly doesn't get it.

Others count successfully

Me: Librarysergeantanderson.
Mike: Fifty-nine minutes.
Me: Excellent. Next time shoot for 119.

Others count down for me

Mike: Is Beth around?
Me: Nope.
Mike: I'm trying to find the senior person. McGhee is next.
Me: Tell him to dismiss us.
Mike: That's the plan.

La Fille du Cadiz

Me: It makes me laugh that there's a jazz band arrangement of this.
Jazzer: Why?
Me: Well, it's an opera.
Jazzer: It's a Miles Davis tune! It's very famous.
Me: Jackie sang it a couple of years ago.
Jazzer: It's Miles Davis!

Another day of counting down

148 minutes.

Is THIS Your Score?

COL: Could be. I rarely look at them.

Bizarre Song Title du Jour

"Attack on Undying Oompah" for brass quintet

City Most in Need of a Map

South Boston, VA

Things the Colonel Didn't Say to Me Just Now

"Oh, God. I'm brain dead!"