Eine Kleine Nachtmusik

Me: It's the overplayed classics CD!
Dad: It used to be the underplayed classics CD, but we played it too much. You know, when people say they like classical music, this is what they're talking about.
Me: Possibly this very song. No, they're talking about Pachelbel Canon.
Penny: That's one of my favorites.
Me: QED.

So Close

Dad: Minnie's a nice dog. She never barks. She only has grange. Grunge? Grange?
Greg: Mange.

Friday Afternoon

IW 1: Well, I guess I'm gonna go pretend to do some work.
IW 2: Yeah? I'm gonna play FreeCell.

Deleted Mail

October 2005...
Me: Luckily, I happen to be able to read this notice. Otherwise, it doesn't do anyone any good: "La version anglaise du site des Editions Henry Lemoine est a present disponible: www.henry-lemoine.com/en."
Mike: Funny. But I do see that on a lot of English websites: "Click here for Swahili."
Me: Now available in Dutch!
Mike: Urgent message for our Korean readers!
Me: Click here to have this sentence translated into English.

Schrödinger's Dishwasher

Me: Is it clean or dirty?
Greg: We can never know!!!

You gotta take the openings the world gives you, 4th ed

LT: *huge guffawing laugh*
Me: Quiet! This is a library!
LT: Sorry. It's just...Mr. Laird...we were having some trouble today...
Me: With your organ. I heard.
LT: Right. So you can imagine the presciption medicine ads he just sent me.
Me: Ah. Well, better luck with your organ tomorrow.
LT: Thank you. I think we...
Me: Got your organ straightened out?
LT: Uh, yeah.
Me: I'm gonna go now.
LT: Okay, bye!

Fair Warning

IW: Hey Sarge, just so you know, I'm not wearing any socks.

Saw THAT Coming

LT: I see you're busy...
Me: If you say "Aaron Copland," someone's going to get hurt.

Help

Dave: D'you need any help?
Me: Mm...not really. Unless you can make the refrigerator bigger.
Dave: Hm...
Me: You know, with mind power.
Dave: Have you tried inflating it?

Making an Ass of 'U' and Me

IW: Is your husband a physicist?
Me: No.
IW: I mean your fiance?
Me: No. He's a mathematician.
IW: But...the physics books...
Me: Oh, those are mine.

On Martha Stewart Weddings

Symmonie (Matron of Honor): That thing is like crack for brides.
Mariama (Bridesmaid): The day of my sister's wedding, I was there with the Martha Stewart Weddings making one of the flower arrangements in it.

Deleted Mail

September 2005...
Me: Why spy day at Hershey Park? Because Hershey is everywhere. The question is, who's controlling Disney and Coca-Cola? MI5? KGB?
Mike: Well, Disney is part of the Hollywood conspiracy of Jews, of course, but I can't speak to the rest. I assume the Saudis have a hand in there somewhere. But the KGB? Please.
Me: Is Coca-Cola al Qaida? I sure hope not.
Mike: No, but they might be the Christian Coalition. Which may well be worse.
Me: My diet Coke loves you. Unless you're gay.
Mike: My Orange Fanta believes that the moral fiber of the country is being destroyed by the liberal agenda.
Me: Mezzo Mix opposes gay marriage.
Mike: Diet Cherry Vanilla Caffiene-Free Coca-Cola thinks it's shameful that we're not teaching alternative theories in public school science programs.
Me: Coke Zero loves Fox News.
Mike: Mr. Pibb thinks you should put Jesus in your head.
Me: Diet Sprite Zero forgives you.
Mike: Powerade doesn't see anything wrong with posting the Ten Commandments in courthouses.
Me: Dasani flavored waters can, in a pinch, be used for communion.
Mike: No! Dasani hates the filthy papists!

Deleted Mail

September 2005...

Me: Did you see the life-sized chocolate Milton Hershey?
Mike: I did, but I blocked it out. It raped my brain.
Me: Ah, you've titled your autobiography, then: Milton Hershey Raped My Brain.

Deleted Mail

September [19], 2005

Me: It's Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arr.
Mike B: Did I get out of the Navy?

Deleted Mail

September 2005...

Me: We just got some music in from BVD Press. Clearly, a publisher exclusively of music written while the composer was in his skivvies.

Deleted Mail

August 2005...

Mike: Next time, it's Easter Parade...of DOOM!
Me: *tick* *tick* *boom* went the trolley!

Find Something You Love to Do

Joren: I'll be back later for more work.
Me: There's always more work.
Joren: Heavy lifting, you say?
Me: I'm probably going to put off the heavy lifting in favor of tedious and soul-sucking tasks.
Joren: Chris has volunteered.
Me: For the tedious and soul-sucking tasks?
Joren: That's his specialty.
Me: I can see it on his face.
Joren: That was his minor in college.
Chris: It's true.

Deleted Mail

From August 2005...

Me: TUSAB's doing Midwest this year, so the flood of perusals has started, but Midwest's mailing list is both old and incorrect, so it's combined COL Shelburne and COL Lamb into "COL Brian Lamb." The good part is, they know without opening it if a given package is just Midwest perusals.

COL: Thank goodness they're getting the boxes and not us. We'll be in the roation to receive the boxes again in a few years. I will be gone, but you won't be--heh heh heh!

Me: Right, so I can wallpaper your office with grade 1 scores without fear of discovery.

Because I Can

Me: I delare eminent domain on the copier!

Dealing with Non-Musicians

Trumpet player: Do we have music for [march]? Our quintet needs to play it this weekend and the POC said he had music. Turns out to be a drum part.

Guess You Better

SGM: Can I use your copier?
Me: Yes, you may. But you have to listen to my "Mustang Sally" story.
SGM: How did you know I was copying "Mustang Sally?!"
Me: It's in your hand. Anyway, there was this restaurant near where I grew up called Grandma Sally's, and every time we passed it we'd say "Guess you better slow your grandma down." Every time. And we laughed every time.

SGM: Some things never get old.
Me: Ayup.

The Great Photo Debate

IW: There are so many candids in the Encore. I wish there were more set-up shots, but I guess no one wants to take the time to set them up.

Me: To me, a set-up shot automatically seems really fake. "Here's a black kid, and a white kid, and an Asian kid, and me! Cheese!"

IW: Well, you could have fewer kids if one of them was female.

Chain of Command

LT: Is it quittin' time yet?
Me: Yes, sir!
LT: Yay! So if the colonel tries to talk to me, I'll say, "Sarah said I was good to go."
Me: Yes, sir. You're dismissed.

Poofreading

Me: So according to this fax from EEI, I have a confirmed reservation for "Advanced Gammar Roundtable."
Jenn: That's awesome.
Me: It made my day. I guess it's better than "Advanced Grammer Roundtable," where we'd sit around and talk about "Frasier" all day.

When Shall We Eat?

Me: Ah, this is the place I was looking for...and we'd better go early, because Karaoke starts at 9:30.
Greg: Oh Jesus.

Near the Stuffed Animal Bins at the Smithsonian Gift Shop

Child: Mommy, can I get an elephant?
Mommy: No, honey. But you can get a donkey.

"Fear"

Me: Did that just say "25 Zombies?"
Greg: Yes.
Me: That's awesome.

Shoulda Read the Fine Print

Emily: I don't like this song.
Me: You're not allowed to not like that song.
Joren: It's in your oath of enlistment. Didn't you know that?

The March Case

Me: It's time for the Box of Pain to come out.
Aaron: The box of...oh god.
Me: Yep.

Believe It!

Greg: I can procrastinate. Which is not just a statement of opportunity; it is a statement of capability.

Ain't it the truth

Greg: Besides, a little demagoguery can get you a long way.

Get Down Tonight

Dan: They wanted us to do the whole anthem again, but I said no, let's just do a little chant.
Steve: Do a little chant, make a little love...

Engagement Confusion

Myrna: Let me see the ring. Oh! It's beautiful!
Me: It's my mom's.
Keith: Was she on the trip?
Me: No.
John: You're marrying your dad?
Me: No.

Spellchecker Humor of the Moment

For "Korngold," suggests "Mongols."

Clink-mergency

German Librarian: *digs pair of finger cymbals out of huge purse, begins playing*
Spanish Librarian: You carry them with you?
GL: Sure! I have a lot of things in my purse.
SL: But...why?
GL: You never know when they might be useful. Sometimes our meetings are quite long.

Cheese-mergency

Host: You can leave your stuff on the bus if you want; it'll be locked.
Me: Ah, I don't have to drag my raclette around!
Kari: But what if you suddenly need it?!

Darn S-countries!

[Identity Withheld]: Welcome back! So, can you speak Swedish now?
Me: Um...it was Switzerland.
IW: Oh, I knew it was one of those S countries.

Souvenirs

Chris: Everyone expects chocolate. Our administrator was like, "You'd better bring me chocolate!"
Me: Get Lindt when you get home. "As far as you know, I brought you this from Switzerland."
Chris: Duty-free Toblerone!
Me: Perfect!

Engagement Non-Announcement

Shannon: I heard from people on tour. People on the other side of the country.
Jamila: I see you didn't send out a mass e-mail.
Me: No.
Jamila: I'm not happy with that.

He Doesn't Need Your Love

Ken Jennings: I was told I was talking too fast during the Trivia Challenge, so...I'm gonna do it again. Choke on it!

We Left Out "Jesus is F***in' Metal"

Me [and Christopher, more or less in unison]: This is "hang loose," this is "I love you," this is "Hook 'em, Horns," and this is the Shocker.

It works!

Me: We're using you as a Tuller locator.
Frank: Tuller? He's over there.
Me: Excellent.

Social Studies

Chris:...and then you can introduce me to people.
TK: How? You know everyone I know!
Chris: Your Venn diagram is entirely inside my Venn diagram?!
TK: Yes! It's like...[creates model with plates] Yours, mine.
Chris: Oh my God!

His Life's Work

Me: What is this? More of your crap on the floor?
Greg: It's what I do, Sarah. I crap all over the floor.

Honesty is Key

Me: I love you.
Greg: I love you, too.
Me: You're just saying that.
Greg: Well, yeah. Because I want to get laid.
Me: Okay, I'm writing that down.

Things You Hear When an MIT Instructor Moderates Your Trivia Game

Chris: I understand you went to Harvard, but cheating is rampant there.

TMBG Dramatic Reading

Greg: I'm goin' down to Cowtown.
Me: Why? To see the cow beneath the sea?
Greg: Yeah. Because, as you know, the cow's a friend to me.

Too Much of a Good Thing

I know that sometimes I complain about not getting enough parts for tunes. Horns, in particular, and double reeds. But I don't ever, ever want to hear the ensemble that needs 12 first cornet parts to a cornet solo. Not 12 copies of the solo part; that might make sense. Twelve guys backing up the soloist on the same instrument. Perhaps twelve stands of first cornet! I hadn't thought of that. That's terrifying.

I haven't counted the 2nd cornet, 3rd cornet, 1st trumpet, or 2nd trumpet. I'm afraid to.

If you have to ask...

Greg: Is it alright if I stop being assertive now?

Standards

Greg: I think we can judge a weekend's success by whether or not we did something ridiculous. And most weekends are a success.

Why Greg Hasn't Gotten My Cold

Greg: My immune system is pretty bad-ass. So bad-ass, in fact, that it sometimes kills things it shouldn't.
Me: "Hey, what's that?"
Greg: "I don't know. Let's kill it!"
Me: "Hooray! Er...what if that was something we need?"
Greg: "Who cares? It's dead now!"
Me: "Hooray!"

My First Appointment with the Army Hypnotherapist

Doc: So you have a boyfriend.
Me: Yes.
Doc: How old is he?
Me: 33.
Doc: Married? Single?
Me: Single.
Doc: What about his wife?
Me: She's single, too.
Doc, to medical student: She's quick.

Page Title of the Day

American Diabetes Association: No Cookie

A Second Chance

Steve: When I was getting crabs last night--
Me: Ok, just stop there and get a new beginning to that sentence, because that one isn't going to work.

Old Band Name Conversation I Just Remembered

Erica: The FORSCOM band tuba-euphonium ensemble is called "Oompahcalypse Now."
Me: The Heritage of America band pop/rock combo is called "Drug Free."
Erica: Okay, that's worse.

She Builds, He Cooks

Me: The next task is taking a shelf apart. What's more manly than destruction?
Greg: Too bad we're peeling eggs.
Me: That really is the weakest excuse of all time.

And They're Off!

Greg: You seriously want to race?
Me: One girl vs. two guys assembling IKEA? How could we not race?
Greg: You realize you're racing against two professional mathematicians. The only thing worse would be--
Me: Three mathematicians?

Betty White is in our kitchen?

Greg: I need to go deal with the pita in a minute.
Me: Oh, man. In my head that was PETA.

Self Knowledge

David: God, I called you "Young Padawan." You know, sometimes I amaze myself with how big of a dork I am.
Me: I've ceased to be surprised.
David: What, by my dorkiness or your own?

Learning Curve

Greg: It looks like Saturday is going to be an evening thing instead of an afternoon thing.
Me: I'll tell David.
Greg: Yeah, I mean, if he comes, he comes, and if he doesn't, he doesn't. And if he doesn't, he sucks.
Me: I'll let him know.
Greg: No, don't tell him that! He has to find out he sucks for himself. It's the only way.

Sanctuary!

David: Did you go to the gig?
Me: No, I had a bad appointment at Walter Reed. Apparently I'm developing a hump.
David: Like...a dowager's hump?
Me: No, it's called a buffalo hump.
David: Oh, good, 'cause that's even more flattering.

Dad's Brother-in-Law is Late Getting to the Movie Theatre

"Can you imagine what it's like for an old man standing all alone in the lobby of a theater showing a gay cowboy movie, holding a cup of Coke and a tub (medium no butter) of popcorn, looking anxiously every time someone comes in? Not fun."
--Dad

Yay, Kenneth Williams!

Straight man: What brings you down to these parts?
Kenneth Williams: I've got a terrible agent.

Plenary Session, excerpt 2

"the (inaudible) of trombones (inaudible) was the last really radical (inaudible) idea (inaudible)."
--Esa-(inaudible) Salonen

Excerpts from a Conversation on the History of Blood Glucose Monitoring

"Urine carries time-delayed information."

"People are afraid of things that puncture them."

Honesty

Me: I have a question, but you have to promise not to make fun of me.
Dale: You're talking to the wrong guy.

The Lost Part

Player: Oh, I had it all along.
Librarian A: I didn't look in his folder for him. Sorry.
Librarian B: Well, that's really his job.
Player: So we got it all figured out, huh?
Librarian B: Yes. You're an idiot.

Plenary Session, excerpt 1

Now we come to two works published by Chester. And with apologies to representatives here from Music Sales, it must be acknowledged that the engravers and copyists working for Chester in the 10 to 15 years after WWI, well let’s just say those boys and girls hit the pub early and often.
--Ronald Whitaker, Principal Librarian, The Cleveland Orchestra

You Don't Often Hear

Me: Dude, this Newburg is the shiznit.

From my series...

...of conversations that don't happen elsewhere in the Army:

SFC: You need this Super Trooper?
COL: Nah. You?
SFC: Yeah, I need me some brown boots.
COL: Knock yourself out.

Previously in the series:

SSG: *puts brownie on LTC's desk*
LTC: What's this?
SSG: A brownie.
LTC: Why do you do this to me?
SSG: I'm fattening you up so I can kill you and eat you.
LTC: Well, at least you're honest.

Pressure

Matt: All I have to do now is [list]
Me: And all that without weeping openly. I think that's the real issue.
Matt: Who's got time to weep?

TGIF

Beth: Nobody told me I was going to be in charge. I'm kind of feeling the 59-minute rule.
Sarah: I'm kind of feeling casual Friday. But that's because I'm still wearing casual Friday.
Beth: I'm feeling that, too.
Sarah: Try to feel the 119-minute rule.
Beth: I'll see what I can do.

How 'bout that fog?

Me: How 'bout that fog!?
Greg: How 'bout that fog!
Me: Who said that?
Greg: *silence*
Me: You're trying to gaslight me, aren't you?

Email of the Day. So Far. In Toto.

LT: Saxes? GOD FORBID!!!

This Phrase Pleases Me

"Boston Symphony Softball Team"

Didn't get the Humor Gene

Chris: I told you before, it's genetic. It's funny in our heads, and then it comes out and it's not funny anymore.

Aha!

Beth: That sounds way better than with the headphones!
Chris: See, air does do something!

Granted

Beth: I heard that, smart ass!
Chris: Better'n being a dumb ass.

Backpedaling

Me: Did you see how clever it made you look?
Greg: No.
Me: Not half as clever as you are.
Greg: Ah.
Me: You know, as covers go, that was one of my better ones.

iTunes

Me: So who is this?
Greg: Faith No More. At the height of their weirdness.
Me: Is that the name of the album?
Greg: No.
Me: Should it be?
Greg: Possibly.
Me: That can be the name of your tribute album.
Greg: Excellent.
Me: Because I knew you were struggling for a name for it.
Greg: True.
Me: Are you at the height of your weirdness?
Greg: Yes!
Me: I hadn't noticed.
Greg: It's very subtle. Actually I may be on the decline.
Me: That's sad.
Greg: Thank you.

Reactions to the Stapler in Jell-O

COL: What's that?
Me: It's a stapler in Jell-O.
COL: Well, obviously it's a stapler in Jell-O. I don't know why I asked. But is it art?

Aaron: I think...well, why is it a stapler in Jell-O?
Me: Because.
Aaron: Right. Okay.

Mark S: Is there a story behind that?
Me: Not that I know of.
Mark S: Well. Okay, then.

Joel: Is that Jell-O?
Me: Yes.
Joel: Yay! *jumps up and down to make floor shake*

Jeff: Awesome.

Mike B: So did it break apart, or have people been eating it?
Me: It broke apart.
Mike B: Thank God.

LT: So...
Me: It's a stapler in Jell-O.
LT: Of course it is. Where did it come from?
Me: Erica.
LT: I should have known that.

Todd: What's that?
Me: It's a stapler in Jell-O.
Todd: That's awesome. It's like art.

Mark R: It can't be art. It's not offensive to anyone. It needs to have, like, little plastic Jesus and Mohammed figurines stuck in it.

Jackie: It looks...so...bad!

Sentences I Don't Want To Hear The Rest Of

SGM McGhee (to SGM Schultz): So if you give me a massage here...

You gotta take the openings the world gives you, 3rd ed.

Scott: Is this the COL's study box?
Me: Yes.
Scott: It looks so small!
Erica: That's what she said!

The Sicut cervus problem explained

Steve: ...and then I forgot how to read music in the middle of it. "What are these dots and lines?"
Susan: "Is it some kind of code?"
Steve: "What could it mean?"

Too Easy

Steve: Damn I'm good.
Susan: Are you? Coulda fooled me.

False Start

Steve: Uch...the Sicut cervus...
Me: I think you mean Sicut sicut cervus.
Steve: More like "Sicut ce--sicut cervus."
Me: "See cootch?" You can't say that in church!
Steve: Do you think they were even listening?
Me: God is always listening. He heard you say "see cootch" in His house!

Comedy Memo Excerpt

Need to submit dollar figures for FY06 budget information and FY07 budget projections. Even if you have previously submitted FY06 figures, please review them to ensure accuracy. I know of at least one that is likely incorrect (I know times are rough, but I doubt that anyone's budget was only $198.00 this year). Thanks.

You gotta take the openings the world gives you, 2nd ed.

David: Aw, I have to ride with the girls?
Mikki: You are a girl.
David: I am what I eat!
Me: Dude, you've been waiting since junior high to use that, haven't you?

Security

Me: Did I leave that window open all night? I suck!
Shari: It's still hot in here.
Me: Okay, maybe I don't suck so bad, then.

Faith No More

Me: Can you dress up a dead man?
Greg: No, I can't dress up a dead man.
Me: Can you...
Greg: No, I can't bring him back to life.
Me: Aw, man.

Expectation of Excitement

Greg: It was weird. I don't understand why everyone was so boring...okay, maybe that's not an exception...but I do expect a little more interest.

3-CD Shuffle

Me: This doesn't sound like race music or heist music.
Greg: Are you sure it's Yello?
Me: It ain't the Jackson 5.
Greg: And it doesn't sound like TMBG. Or children's music.
Me: No. Unless you're Brian Eno's children.
Greg: And then you just say, "Daddy, why do we have to listen to this?"
Me: "I feel like I'm in an airport." "Hey, thanks, honey!"

Comparison

Me: How do you like having a conversation and having it immediately appear on the web?
Greg: It's a little disturbing.
Me: It's like datamining, only less insidious. Well...maybe the same amount of insidious.
Greg, cheerfully: Certainly not any more insidious!
Me: Okay, now I have to write that down.

Grandma's Pork Roll

Me: So, about dinner.
Greg: Yes?
Me: When I was a child...
Greg: oh dear.
Me: ...I was led to believe, probably by my mother, that when Grandma made pork roll, it was a big deal. Cause for celebration. Only for special occasions. So I just made it. It's one step more elaborate than meatloaf, and the ingredients cost less than $3.50.
Greg: Aw, how's disillusionment, Sarah?

Broken Suspension

David: Dude, look at that guy's rear wheel.
Me: That's what you get for having a fat girlfriend.
David: Nah, cheap after-market parts.
Me: ...and a fat girlfriend.

Pl4nz

Me: What are we doing tomorrow? Oh, I remember.
Greg: We have plans.
Me: Yes, with a Z.
Steve: Ooh!
Me: And a 4.
Steve: You're that 1337.
Greg: 1337 defines us. Or rather, we define 1337.
Steve: You pwn 1337, to some extent.

Basic Necessities

Greg: Dude! I have a 35-pound cymbal-playing monkey right now! I don't need anything else!

FYI

https://www.delta.com/traveling_checkin/baggage/special_baggage/fragile_bulky/antlers/index.jsp

Everyone Knows it was Larry

What they meant: ...would like to remain anonymous.
What they typed: ...would like remain anonymous.
What we parsed: ...would, like, remain anonymous.

The Stifling Girlfriend

Me: You've got to stop throwing cats into the river.
Greg: You never let me do anything fun!