If only I knew which was which

Either Greg or Sarah: Since when is thinking illegal?

The other: Since I became the mind police.

Coming Soon!

Jenn: Crouching Picasso, Hidden Bull!

Equivalence

Me: Best Mike Gift Ever!
Greg: I know! That means Jen will hate you forever.
Me: Damnit.
Greg: Well, the two are equivalent: the better the Mike gift, the more
Jen-hated it is.

The Baby Borrowers

Greg: We're watching cute children being manhandled by people who are
not their parents.
Craig: ...dot com.

It's Not Just No Self-Esteem, It's Negative Self-Esteem

Greg: I'm going to use the bathroom.
Me: I'm going to think ill of myself.
Greg: Why?
Me: I'm good at it? Wait...damnit! How can I think ill of myself and think I'm good at something at the same time?

He Did Ask

Saxophone Player: I got an instrument for my wife so we can play duets. Guess what I got her! What instrument can absolutely anybody play with no lessons?
Me: Saxophone.

lolmikez

Mike: My nachur perservz, let me show you them.

Not Quite So Great Minds

Greg: There’s a store over there called Tot Shot.

Me: Hm.

Greg: …

Me: …

Greg: …

Me: I’ve come up with several explanations for it, and none are appropriate.

Greg: Me, too.

Me: One involves a trebuchet.

Greg: Me, too!

Me: My other one is a tiny, kid-sized firing range.

Greg: Oh. My other one involves syringes.

Awards

(overheard at a diner in Ohio)

Man: She got a medal for valor.
Woman: What kind?
Man: Bronze Star.
Woman: I thought valor was a Silver Star.
Man: Well, there's that, too.
Woman: So what's silver for? More valor?
Man: Pretty much.
Woman: So what kind of star did you get?
Man: Plastic.

Hint: parts of it are in another room

Sign: COPIER EXTREMELY BROKEN

LT: So it’s not black and white, it’s on a scale of brokenness? It’s not totally broken?

Me: No, it’s beyond just being broken. It’s extremely broken.

Lt: Oh. Well, then you should just put “Copier > Broken.”

What is Truth?

Jake: I don't really buy in to that. Wikipedia says it lacks validity.

Cause of Injury: Office Supplies

Me: And if it doesn’t work, we’ll get bigger binder clips.

Bernie: Ask Gene. He’s got binder clips that’ll take your arm off.

Plan B

Mike B: I think my planning effort should go into an escape route, rather than a congratulatory speech.

Panty hose sizes

Kevin: Queen, EE, Recapitulation, Aubergine.

Pun Reaction

Greg: I knew that was coming.
Kevin: And yet, you did not bake a cake.

Seaweed Beer

Trip: More seaweed!
Toonhead: That wasn't kelpy enough, you bitch!
Trip: Agar! Agar! Agar!

Brickskeller

Me: You're trying to get me drunk!
Greg: No, I'm allowing you to get yourself drunk.

Sondheim

Dave: I didn't even know Company was the name of a show. I've heard of Into the Woods...

Planning

Toonhead: So the puzzle calendar is empty until Con.
Kevin: Well, there's that Strip Sudoku thing in June, but I'm not going.

What is it?

Kevin: Diagnosis: Cooties!

All the same

Dave: I never know if it's Al Pacino or Robert DeNiro.
Greg: Just say it was the guy in Heat.
Dave: That was Val Kilmer.
Greg: What?!

Drunken Rambling

Me: I can has non sequitur?

Shuffle

Greg: Oh, Kenny G.
Me: Why?
Greg: Mistake.

Library Science

Aunt Carol: I usually just go to the library and pick out fluff fiction and leave, but I do have a card in WI and IL, so that makes me somewhat of an intellectual.

Getting Philosophical on the Last Day of Class

Anwar: The last librarian will work for Google.

No Points for Knowing That

IW: “Skechers” is the correct spelling.

Me: Busted!

Baby Brain

Al: This is how your whole life changes. We are now totally focused on poop.

Me: Are you hoping for solid poop?

Al: At this point, anything. We’re not worried about quality.

Protesting Too Much

Me: It sounds like you’re backpedaling a bit there.

Greg: No! No no no. Not at all. I’m not backpedaling. No.

Putting the S in Vignette

I. At the Store
Me: Would you still love me if I spent $160 on shoes, $100 of which were Sketchers?
Greg: *cringe*

II. At Home
Me: These Sketchers are comfortable. I feel dirty.
Greg: Ha-ha.
Me: Do I need cut my feet off, or can I just soak them in bleach?

III. At Home, part 2
Me: I actually like these. I put the S in hypocrite.
Greg: Hypocriste.
Me: Hyspocrite. Hypsocrite. Oh, I like hypsocrite.
Greg: Me, too.

IV. Walking
Me: My heel is starting to hurt. It's these damn Sketchers. They turn on ya.

V. The next day
Me: Check it out--my heel bled through the band-aid.
Greg: Into your new Asics?
Me: Yep. I'm telling you, Sketchers are evil.

Unclear on the Concept

Me: Marco!
Greg: What?

Economics

Me: I wonder how old your car has to be before your tankful of gas is worth more than your car.

Jay: Mine’s getting close.

I Live to Serve

Jason: You make my head hurt.

Me: Just one more service I offer.

Got to Stop Meeting Like This

Me: Doug was looking for you.

LT: He found me. Those urinals aren’t that far apart, so…

Me: He probably found more of you than he was looking for.

LT: Little bit, yeah.

No no no means no

Me: Okay, you're going to need to restate that in a sane way.
Greg: It was a perfectly reasonable triple negative!

Huh?

Vince: I would’ve heard you if these shoes didn’t squeak so loud.

Gotta be faster than that to get by me

LT: I thought we had changed that.

Jay: Yeah, that was after the fart…after the fact…after the part was made.

LT: Oh, okay.

Me: He said “After the fart.”

LT: Yes, he did.

Me: I had to point that out. You can’t just gloss over that.

Hooah.

LT: That was the most butch performance of the Army Song the chorus has ever given.

Me: At least since it became co-ed.

LT: Possibly before.

Diplomacy

IW: How’s this sound: “Should I do it your way, or the right way?” Would that go over well?

Dishwasher

Me: I keep meaning to empty that. I’ll do it when I come home for lunch.

Greg: If you don’t do it at lunch, I’ll do it after work.

Me: Geez, that has to be the lamest ultimatum ever.

These Boots Were Shown on YouTube

Me: Okay, so, I need to find the "These Boots" video to give some context to this email, right? So if you hear "These Boots" start playing, it's not because I'm obsessed with David Tennant.
Greg: I'm not sure I believe you.
Me: Okay, it's not just because I'm obsessed with David Tennant.

Carousel, check. Chestnut trees, check. Wishing well, check.

Librarian 1: We’re looking for an arrangement of “I’ll Be Seeing You.”

Librarian 2: Have you looked in all the old familiar places?

It's like Toys for Tots, only really stupid.

Greg: I'm definitely going to shave for Passover.
Me: Shaving for seder? That sounds like a terrible fundraiser.
Greg: Yeah, and you'll never get the Hassidim into it.

How's Married Life III

Greg: Did I say the wrong thing?
Me: Yes.
Greg: Am I in the doghouse again?
Me: Yes.
Greg: Oh. How much do I have to vacuum?

A particularly bad game of hangman

Me: Why does he have big ol' polyps on his feet?
Greg: Those are shoes, Sarah.

Shrimp-Counting for Fun 'n' Profit

Greg: I only counted them once!
Me: That's twice now, then.
Greg: Well that's because you called me a shrimp counter! I felt like I had to!

lolz

COL: I had to call; I don’t think I have the thumbs to respond to that message.

Me: There are 12-year-old Japanese girls who don’t have the thumbs to respond to that message.

Tragedy Tomorrow

Me: Comedy is very, very hard. Why don’t people realize this?

Mike: I’ve been asking that for years, and yet the internet still exists.

Euler's Formula < Euler's Identity

Greg: Nah, I think e+k-f=2 is less famous.

If a Jazz Society Goes Bankrupt and No One Hears, Does it Make a Sound?

Me: What did they do, get an adjustable rate mortgage?

David: They bought an interest-only loan on somebody caring about jazz.

Welcome to Kent County, Home of the Smell of Manure

Cherilyn: When I found out we were moving here, I was like, if I’m going to be in the middle of nowhere, I want to be in the middle. Not the outskirts.

Me: Yeah, you don’t want to have to commute in to nowhere.

The [insert adjective here] Fair Use Clause

Lawyer: I don’t know that I’m comfortable with calling it “infamous.”

Me: How ‘bout “notorious?”

Potentially a Compliment

Greg:The only thing he expressed interest in were mathematics and, to a lesser extent, his wife.

How I Made Greg Spew

Greg: [coworker] left for eleven days today. And [coworker] will be out Monday and Tuesday. And [coworker] is in another office for weeks and weeks. So next week, I'm going to be the only person at work.
Me: Are you going to wear pants?

"Idiosyncratic Ventures OIC"

WO1: I’m a floater. They made up a title for me. I should send you the organizational chart.

Me: Are you off to the side, connected by a dotted line?

WO1: You’ve seen it already?!

New Computer

Greg: Okay, step one, turn off old machine. Step three, profit.

And why is there no interrobang on my keyboard?!

Greg: Well, you've gotta be outraged about something.
Me: No, I don't! How dare you?!

Clarification

Greg: Where is the pie going to be, and how long is the nudity going to last?

Stationery

Me: And I was like, what the hell is an emvelope?
Greg: It's twice as wide as an envelope.

Non Sequiturs from the Illinois Trip: Not Even the Underwear Ones are Related

Cathy: I don’t think we need to S-P-E-L-L.

Tracy: Look what Uncle Derrick has on his underpants!

Greg: Cows? That’s Hinduism!

Cathy: Not everyone gets to see my special underwear.

Honey, it turns out we actually don't know the names after all.

Greg: Welcome to the jungle, Sarah.

Me: Have you got fun and games?

Greg: I don’t actually know the song all that well.

Also, Princess Peach was Kidnapped!

Greg: Did you know William F. Buckley Jr. died?

Me: I just saw it on that Newsweek, but otherwise, no.

Greg: Yeah, like a couple days ago. Friday, maybe.

Me: I live in a hole.

Greg: I saw it on Wii News.

Me: I don’t know what’s more pathetic: my not knowing or your finding out the way you did.

Mike Has No Nieces

Mike: In the mean time, there's Bill's child, whom I refer to solely as "Laser Squid" for no reason other than she is a Laser Squid.

Me: In what sense is she a Laser Squid? Does she have a beak?

Mike: No, just lasers. And tentacles. Except not really.

Why Mince Words?

Mikki: How you doin'?
Me: Shitty.

He Walked Into That One

Greg: You can't anthropromorphize everything.
Me: Sure I can.
Greg: Your closet?
Me: Mr. Closet loves it when I anthropromorphize him.
Greg: Your bathrobe?
Me: Well, I don't know what the bathrobe likes. He only speaks Japanese.

What the World Needs Now is More Math-Related Double Entendres

Greg: And then I showed her my zeta function.
Me: Is it asymptotic to zero?

I Officially Have No Respect

COL: It's my weekly lame attempt to tell you to go home.
Me: Pfft. Whatever, sir.
COL: I like how you listen to what I say and act on it.
Me: I could stand at attention if that would make you feel better.
COL: Eh.

How Not to Scam Music, part 3

Call drunk.

Important Information for Conference Attendees

MLA Listserv: The latest TSA bulletin says corkscrews are allowed in carry-on luggage.

Blame Spellchecker

Greg: Where are we going?
Me: Bethesda. Mike would like you to know that spellchecker suggests "beheads."
Greg: Well, sure.
Me: But Bethesda's a real place. With a real name. Just not here. It's a biblical place. With healing pools.
Greg: Are there healing pools in this Bethesda?
Me: No, just beheadings. And government offices.
Greg: Well, sure. They go together. Are there guillotines, also, in this Bethesda?
Me: No.
Greg: That's a shame. It would make the beheadings so much easier.
Me: Yeah, but this way creates more jobs.
Greg: "Now hiring: executioners. Must be able to work in a big mask."
Me: "No squeamishness."

Because of Skeeball

Me: That's why cops masturbate left-handed.

How Not To Scam Music, cont'd.

Guy to COL: I was just at [company]’s website, and this tune is out of print.

COL to Guy: Sarah can send you a set if you get permission to photocopy.

Guy to Me: This is out of print. COL said you could send me a set.

Me: You will need permission to photocopy from [company].

Guy: I was just at [company]’s website, and it’s out of print. COL said you could send me a set.

Me: You will need permission to photocopy from [company].

Guy: No, you need permission, because you’re the person making the copy.

"Got Milk," It Ain't

Greg: This product is reasonable. It has several flaws, but is better than its competitor at a comparable price.

Gamer Snax

Me: I got Doritos, Fritos, and Tostitos. But not Cheetos.
Greg: But that's part of the four -itos food groups!

Why, to chronicle these conversations, of course.

Matt: Thank god you’re still here…why are you still here?

Too Late, COL H Already Won

Matt: Another little communist flare-up

Me: You’re really shooting for quote of the day, aren’t you?

Matt: I’m not trying.

More Spanish. Or perhaps mas.

SGM: Shit, I’ll take it to Pachanga.

Me: That’s actually not a bad idea.

SGM: I’ll do it. Where are the lyrics?

Matt: They’re in your office I think.

SGM: I think I locked myself out.

Later…

Matt: How the fuck have we come to rely on a restaurant?!

Me: Before that, we were relying on Wikipedia.

Matt: Okay, true. But a restaurant?

How do you say "Crap" in Spanish?

Matt: God. I need to talk to someone who speaks Spanish.

Me: We are so useless. What’d you take, French?

Matt: Yeah.

Me: I took German.

Matt: God. I’m calling Lopez.

Hot Flashes

COL H: Phew! I think I’ve got menopause or something.

The Conversation's Inevitable Conclusion

Greg: Live robot salmon? There's no going back.

Posit

Mike: So let’s assume for a moment you had a picture of Cole Porter on fire.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Greg: I told Mike you hate him.
Me: Why?
Greg: Does hate need a reason?

Bacon, part 2

Me: "How to Make an Origami Pig."
Greg: That's always useful. Especially if you want origami bacon.

Bacon, part 1

Greg: Sarah?
Me: Yes?
Greg: I found the bacon flowchart. Sean had it on his del.icio.us account.
Me: Thank god for social networking.

It doesn't even matter what this was about

Mike: And a great, deafening “MOO!” was heard in response.

For your own safety

David: I didn’t even know you could possess underwear fraudulently.

Me: My advice, then, is to stay the hell out of Singapore.

Retirement

Retiree, getting cookie: I’m gonna be bigger than a house.

Me: Hooray! No weigh-ins!

Retiree: You’re right! *gets additional cookie*

Blocked!

Me: Hey, a new feature! When I hover over a URL that is blocked, it tells me before I click on it. That’s actually hella useful.

Mike: That’s awesome. Does it have the reason there? “Blocked: Irony.”

Me: Blocked: Too fun.

Mike: Blocked: Cuz. We don’t have to tell you. :P

Me: Blocked: Neener.

Mike: Blocked: Shouldn’t you go outside and get some exercise?

Me: Blocked: Hai-keeba!

Mike: Blocked: Gymkata!

How's Married Life II

Greg: Is this some kind of trust exercise? Because I'm not feeling good about it.

Career Advice

Me: *pfft* Don’t look at me, I’m on monster.com.

Clarification

Me: Okay, okay, IF they didn’t start the zombie apocalypse, THEN that would be a good place to run.

Different Definitions of "Fulfillment"

Me: I used to take pictures of people posing with costumed characters full time.
Guy Dressed as Frosty the Snowman: Well, that could be fulfilling.
Me: No. No, it can't.

Glucoboy

Mike: Can I just say how amused I am that we are discussing an actually existing product that combines diabetes glucose screening and video games in one convenient package for children?

Meeting Site Selection

Me: Out of curiosity, what’s the band’s usual hotel in King of Prussia?

Darrin: Crown Plaza or Fairfield Inn. There are many more in the area.

Me: Well, sure. It’s that giant black hole of a mall, sucking in the orbiting hotel chains like errant space junk.

Darrin: At the speed of light.

Thank you, good night!

Bill: My goal is a retirement speech completely devoid of personal pronouns.

Me: I say new policy: for your retirement speech, you get one word for every year you’ve been here. Twenty-four years, twenty-four words.

Some Targets Are Just Too Easy

Bill, after a particularly notable retirement ceremony: You should charge people to get on your blog today.

Poopy!

Me: An idiot trombone player (note redundancy) is changing his child’s diaper on the floor in front of my desk. Notably, the bathrooms are right across the hall. Hello?

Mike: Yeah, see? See?? Babies make people’s brains go away. It’s universal. Babies are brain-eating zombies.

How Not To Scam Music From the Field Band Library

Technique 1, attempted Wednesday afternoon by a community band director: Call the Field Band, complain that every time you call the Field Band, the Field Band never sends you anything, explaining that “that’s why this time I’m calling you.” That is, the Field Band. Then ask for something that went out of print 20 years before the Field Band existed. Act disgusted when told it is not in the library.

Technique 2, attempted Friday morning by a high school band director: Demand, repeatedly, that the Field Band send you music the Field Band doesn’t have. When directed to call a band 20 miles away with a library five times larger than that of the Field Band, explain that the Field Band should send the music (that the Field Band doesn’t have) because “we’re right down the street from you.” When reminded that the Field Band still doesn’t have this music, ask “well, what DO you have?!” Hang up.

Technique 3, attempted last month by a high school band director: Tell the Field Band to send you a copy of a score that you have on order from overseas, to cover you while it’s in transit. When the Field Band replies that this is fine, but due to previous abuse of this copyright loophole, you will need to send proof of the order, admit that you don’t really have it on order at all, you just lost it. When the Field Band explains that the “cover copies for music on order” loophole only works when you actually have music on order, assert that you “kind of” have it on order. When asked again for proof, admit again that you don’t have it on order at all.

Past techniques:

- point out that since the tune exists on a recording of the Marine Band, it must therefore be in the Field Band library.

- assert over and over that the tune is permanently out of print, even when a new edition has come out in the past six months.

- legally borrow a tune from the Field Band, then offer to sell the set on a listserv the Field Band reads.

Cage Match: Astaire vs. Crosby

Mike: I always think of them as the same person. Except that one danced, and the other one just sorta…leaned.

Your Aspect Ratio and You

LTC: Can you blow it up more?

Me: This is a big as I can make it.

LTC: What if you cut off the stuff on the top and bottom?

Me: That’s as wide as it can go, so that’s as big as I can make it.

LTC: But they don’t need this stuff down here.

Me: Yes, but that’s as wide as it can go, so that’s as big as I can make it.

LTC: They just need this one strip through the middle.

Me: Right, but that’s as wide as it can go, so that’s as big as I can make it.

LTC: So if you cut off the bottom part…

Me: It would still only be that wide. So that’s as big as I can make it.

LTC: Really?

Me: Yes.

LTC: Huh.

Email

Greg: What does Mike have to say?
Me: "Argh."
Greg: That's reasonable.