Reactions to the Stapler in Jell-O

COL: What's that?
Me: It's a stapler in Jell-O.
COL: Well, obviously it's a stapler in Jell-O. I don't know why I asked. But is it art?

Aaron: I think...well, why is it a stapler in Jell-O?
Me: Because.
Aaron: Right. Okay.

Mark S: Is there a story behind that?
Me: Not that I know of.
Mark S: Well. Okay, then.

Joel: Is that Jell-O?
Me: Yes.
Joel: Yay! *jumps up and down to make floor shake*

Jeff: Awesome.

Mike B: So did it break apart, or have people been eating it?
Me: It broke apart.
Mike B: Thank God.

LT: So...
Me: It's a stapler in Jell-O.
LT: Of course it is. Where did it come from?
Me: Erica.
LT: I should have known that.

Todd: What's that?
Me: It's a stapler in Jell-O.
Todd: That's awesome. It's like art.

Mark R: It can't be art. It's not offensive to anyone. It needs to have, like, little plastic Jesus and Mohammed figurines stuck in it.

Jackie: It looks...so...bad!

Sentences I Don't Want To Hear The Rest Of

SGM McGhee (to SGM Schultz): So if you give me a massage here...

You gotta take the openings the world gives you, 3rd ed.

Scott: Is this the COL's study box?
Me: Yes.
Scott: It looks so small!
Erica: That's what she said!

The Sicut cervus problem explained

Steve: ...and then I forgot how to read music in the middle of it. "What are these dots and lines?"
Susan: "Is it some kind of code?"
Steve: "What could it mean?"

Too Easy

Steve: Damn I'm good.
Susan: Are you? Coulda fooled me.

False Start

Steve: Uch...the Sicut cervus...
Me: I think you mean Sicut sicut cervus.
Steve: More like "Sicut ce--sicut cervus."
Me: "See cootch?" You can't say that in church!
Steve: Do you think they were even listening?
Me: God is always listening. He heard you say "see cootch" in His house!

Comedy Memo Excerpt

Need to submit dollar figures for FY06 budget information and FY07 budget projections. Even if you have previously submitted FY06 figures, please review them to ensure accuracy. I know of at least one that is likely incorrect (I know times are rough, but I doubt that anyone's budget was only $198.00 this year). Thanks.

You gotta take the openings the world gives you, 2nd ed.

David: Aw, I have to ride with the girls?
Mikki: You are a girl.
David: I am what I eat!
Me: Dude, you've been waiting since junior high to use that, haven't you?

Security

Me: Did I leave that window open all night? I suck!
Shari: It's still hot in here.
Me: Okay, maybe I don't suck so bad, then.

Faith No More

Me: Can you dress up a dead man?
Greg: No, I can't dress up a dead man.
Me: Can you...
Greg: No, I can't bring him back to life.
Me: Aw, man.

Expectation of Excitement

Greg: It was weird. I don't understand why everyone was so boring...okay, maybe that's not an exception...but I do expect a little more interest.

3-CD Shuffle

Me: This doesn't sound like race music or heist music.
Greg: Are you sure it's Yello?
Me: It ain't the Jackson 5.
Greg: And it doesn't sound like TMBG. Or children's music.
Me: No. Unless you're Brian Eno's children.
Greg: And then you just say, "Daddy, why do we have to listen to this?"
Me: "I feel like I'm in an airport." "Hey, thanks, honey!"

Comparison

Me: How do you like having a conversation and having it immediately appear on the web?
Greg: It's a little disturbing.
Me: It's like datamining, only less insidious. Well...maybe the same amount of insidious.
Greg, cheerfully: Certainly not any more insidious!
Me: Okay, now I have to write that down.

Grandma's Pork Roll

Me: So, about dinner.
Greg: Yes?
Me: When I was a child...
Greg: oh dear.
Me: ...I was led to believe, probably by my mother, that when Grandma made pork roll, it was a big deal. Cause for celebration. Only for special occasions. So I just made it. It's one step more elaborate than meatloaf, and the ingredients cost less than $3.50.
Greg: Aw, how's disillusionment, Sarah?

Broken Suspension

David: Dude, look at that guy's rear wheel.
Me: That's what you get for having a fat girlfriend.
David: Nah, cheap after-market parts.
Me: ...and a fat girlfriend.

Pl4nz

Me: What are we doing tomorrow? Oh, I remember.
Greg: We have plans.
Me: Yes, with a Z.
Steve: Ooh!
Me: And a 4.
Steve: You're that 1337.
Greg: 1337 defines us. Or rather, we define 1337.
Steve: You pwn 1337, to some extent.

Basic Necessities

Greg: Dude! I have a 35-pound cymbal-playing monkey right now! I don't need anything else!

FYI

https://www.delta.com/traveling_checkin/baggage/special_baggage/fragile_bulky/antlers/index.jsp

Everyone Knows it was Larry

What they meant: ...would like to remain anonymous.
What they typed: ...would like remain anonymous.
What we parsed: ...would, like, remain anonymous.

The Stifling Girlfriend

Me: You've got to stop throwing cats into the river.
Greg: You never let me do anything fun!