Yeah, I'm That Professional

Me: Some tune with a name too long for me to bother to learn came in.
Component librarian: Do I need to worry about it?
Me: Maybe.
Component librarian: Did I ask you to order it?
Me: Probably.
Component librarian: Well, thanks, then.

Thursdays with Walter, week 1

Here begins a series of posts quoting the instructor of my Thursday night class, LBSC 786. You will understand that I had to adopt a new note-taking technique that would enable me to separate real, functional notes from the kind of garbage I post here.

Driving in the dark when you're almost 60? You don't need acid, man!

That's the one thing you will get in this class: an obscure humor refresher course.

The cruel world awaits you, and this course will help you in no way whatsoever.

Ah, the fall, when college campuses are a-twitter with "like."

The art of bookbinding died centuries ago, but they keep doing it!

If you had to read this, your mind would snap.

This is one of my favorite books, because every time I open it, some of it goes away.

I'm Polish, and in high school I studied German, so I fought World War II in my head.

What are you doing here? Go back to your states! Aren't you in a militia or something?!

To fight the pandemic flu, get your hands drunk.

That's a good article. I'll probably...er...you'll probably find someday someone has made a copy of it and perhaps left it on your desk.

English literature students...I don't know that any of them ever got lives.

Mylar! I imagine sometimes the entire world under mylar! Suffocating, but so cool looking!

I started in the library as a page. Then I became a chapter, and now I'm about five novels.

College Park is hard to understand. It's like a huge yard sale with a university in the middle.

It's like a conservator's asylum.

One of 'em's a recidivist English major.

You don't have to be a member of the international conservation cult.

Why do mice always "scurry about?" Don't they ever just run? I saw a mouse scurrying about! It's like something from Dickens.

Your printing is so quiet! I should make copies for everyone! It's like artwork!

Why does my coffee maker have a clock on it? I don't want it to make coffee by itself! That freaks me out!

She was driving a Disney golf cart, so she was empowered.

The guy who did Goofy's voice figures into this class in conjunction with Bozo the Clown, but that comes up later.

You're a baseball person? You're going to like today's quiz. Oh, there's a quiz today, by the way.

A mission statement! Write that down!

Any good glues? I used to listen to jazz on the radio and assemble model cars, and I wasn't sniffing glue, but man, the jazz sounded awesome.

Static cling! It's better than laundry! I put a thing in mylar inside a plastic sleeve, and you'd need a truck to pull 'em apart.

You've been contaminated by Americana.

Why would you want to drive 200 miles per hour across a salt flat? Doesn't it make you thirsty just thinking about it?

That means everybody's here, plus two strays and a Spaniard.

Good luck with that, that's my advice.

Somebody figured out paper and somebody figured out ink, but they didn't do it on the same day.

Indulge me: I'm old.

The Problem with Compact Fluorescents: Solved

Greg: I’m concerned about the mercury.

Me: We won’t put them near the Wii.

Greg: Okay, good.

Seriously, we talk like this

Me: Pretzels are scalable. I mean, tortillas are scalable, too, but not as
much.
Greg: Tortillas are quantum. Pretzels are continuous.

The State of Classical Music

Adrian: Nobody riots at premieres anymore like they used to. They just complain about it on their blogs.

The Beach Picnic Explained

Mom: Sunday night we're having a beach picnic with the Simpsons.
Greg: What's a beach picnic?
Mom: You go down to the beach...
Me: ...with food...
Mom: ...and you brush the sand off your hot dog...
Me: ...and you wonder if that's salt or sand...
Mom: ...and when you start chewing, you find out.
Greg: Ah.

Science!

Me: What's a good-looking guy like you doing with an eyebrow like that?
Greg: Mad sciencing.

I may not be a jazzer, but I'm jazzier than some

Orchestral librarian: Is “Jumpin’ at the Savoy” in that medley?

Me: No, no, no, you stomp at the Savoy and you jump at the Woodside. Where would we be if people just started jumping wherever they felt like it?

The Postmodern Chemistry Set

Mike: Firefox extensions are the new guy-DIY thing to do around the house. It's totally the "Oh, I can fix the toaster" of the 21st century, except without the electrocution or kitchen fires.

Technically, it can be both.

Greg: That's an interesting idea.
Me: No, that's a terrible idea. What the hell's wrong with you?
Greg: It's that, too. I just said it was interesting.

Job Satisfaction

Dan: Why is it I always seem to catch you on a bad day?

Me: Because that’s the only kind there are?

Gift List Issues

Me: You're really easy to shop for, it's just that the things you want and the things your mother wants to buy you...
Greg: Have a null intersect. Form a disconnected space. Are mutually exclusive.
Me, writing: Okay, slow down...
Greg: I'm trying to think of an algebra one, but I can't think of anything good. Sits in the center of a nontrivial exact sequence?

Win

Me: Your victory was only temporary.
Greg: No, my victory was awesome.

From the Last Day in Norwich

Me: The question is, how many tics can I give you by the time we get to the airport?
Greg: Probably four.

If only I knew which was which

Either Greg or Sarah: Since when is thinking illegal?

The other: Since I became the mind police.

Coming Soon!

Jenn: Crouching Picasso, Hidden Bull!

Equivalence

Me: Best Mike Gift Ever!
Greg: I know! That means Jen will hate you forever.
Me: Damnit.
Greg: Well, the two are equivalent: the better the Mike gift, the more
Jen-hated it is.

The Baby Borrowers

Greg: We're watching cute children being manhandled by people who are
not their parents.
Craig: ...dot com.

It's Not Just No Self-Esteem, It's Negative Self-Esteem

Greg: I'm going to use the bathroom.
Me: I'm going to think ill of myself.
Greg: Why?
Me: I'm good at it? Wait...damnit! How can I think ill of myself and think I'm good at something at the same time?

He Did Ask

Saxophone Player: I got an instrument for my wife so we can play duets. Guess what I got her! What instrument can absolutely anybody play with no lessons?
Me: Saxophone.