Power Outage Vignettes

Chad: I feel sorry for the [auditionee] playing at the time.
Matt: If he keeps playing, he's in.

Jay: I thought we had emergency lighting in here.
Me: We do. It's called a window.

Gene: Oh my god, I just tried to use the paper shredder, and I couldn't figure out why it wasn't working.

Me: Hey, do me a favor and guard the men's room door. They have a window and I've already peed in the dark once today.
...
Me: Thanks! They're gonna be all "who put the seat down?!"

New Neighbors

Me: I was looking for someone on whitepages.com, and noticed the "search neighborhood" link, which finds the rest of the block. Households in our new area include the Gross family and the Neat family.
Mike: I guess I know who you'll be hanging out with.
Me: I don't know that we'd want either of them over for dinner.
Mike: I just hope they don't live next door to each other. I'm imagining lawn arguments.

Most Pathetic Attempt at Small Talk While Attending a Mandatory Event

Strange Woman: Looks like you got a good turn-out! Were you here last
year?

Ye Olde Eeeewwwww

Me: I am never going to a Ren Faire with you again.
Mike: Aw, man. I was counting on you for the urine.

Not like they could charge 48.75 cents each, but still

Me: CPT Pena just asked me to order the second and fourth movements of a suite for the chorus. I can pay $1.90 each for each movement, or $1.95 each for the whole suite.
Jennie: Here's your sign.

And those words are El Hambo

Me: If you're the guy who got Kde su kravy moje stuck in my head, we're going to have words.

As we raise our voices in a solemn prayer...

Me: God bless America.
Mike: And lasers.
Me: Yes, lasers bless America.

I Failed to Post This When It Happened

Mike: Wow, they Epic Failed 15 years before Epic Failing even existed!
Me: They were pioneers.
Mike: They took their Failboat across the Failsea, straight to the colony of Failsburgh, to start life anew. A life where the freedom to fail is an unassailable right.
Me: And we will call it Failtopia!

Original Thoughts are Inefficient!

Conductor: Do we have any of these tunes? [list]
Me: No, but I have the CD you're looking at.

Leadership

CPT: Is this gonna work?
Me: Beats me. I've assigned Matt the task of figuring it the hell out.

Movie reviews as a function of Leonard Part 6

Matt: ...and I realized I've never seen "Hair," and I was looking at the listings, and it's on AMC at like 4am, so I set the TiVo.
Adrian: You're proud of this? Something they only air at 4am?
Matt: Sure! I mean, it's "Hair," right? It's...
Me: Iconic.
Matt: There you go, iconic.
Adrian: As iconic as "Leonard Part 6."
Matt: Which I've seen like twenty times.
Me: You don't tell people that.
Matt: I was a kid! Plus, I'd rather see that twenty times than watch "The Happening" ever again.

Belly-Poking Standoff

Greg: It's like a John Woo movie! Except with fingers!

Advanced Topics in Shopping Theory

Mike: What I need is for the price to drop by a lot. At 50% off, I'd totally buy two.

Betty White

Adrian: She’s a lot funnier than Jack Black, I’ll tell you that.

Eating Habits

Me: How did you get parsley on your shoulder?
Greg: How could I not get parsley on my shoulder?!

Walk Tall

CPT: Who sings that?

Me: Beats me. I have David Tennant singing it.

Vinny: Yeah, but everything you have is a cover.

Me: Yeah, so?

YouTube, Summarized

Mike: The people, they have too much of the time, and too many of the
Legos.

That Certain Sound

Greg: What was that supposed to be?
Jake: A yawp of some sort or other.
Me: A barbaric yawp?
Jake: That's the one.

The Year of the NCO

Greg: The Army has a zodiac?!

(I'm Lying, Of Course)

Loran: There was a prolonged, very loud noise.
Jay: Uh, yeah. That might've been us.
Me: And even if it was, it had nothing to do with the blood on my head.
Loran: Uh huh.