Tell Him I'm Not Talking To Him

Jonathan: I'm giving you the silent treatment. That's how we adults deal with conflict.

Drunken Diptych

Moira: It's so nice to see Americans really drink.

---

Me: What is it about England that makes people drink?
Chris: The English.

Poor kid never learned what a nonagon was.

John: The older kid's school was mad because we're taking her out for two more days than she's allowed to miss in a school year. I mean, you tell me this isn't an educational trip. Today we saw the Rosetta Stone. What were they going to talk about that was more important?
Me: But you missed a discussion of shapes!

Last Man Standing

Peter: You want anything?
Me: I'm taking a break.
Peter: That's not really fair; none of the rest of us are.

They Call Me the Child-Choker!

Me: I bought a Kinder egg.
Karen: *gasp* You're so bad!

The first rule of pub crawl...

Michael: I don't think you understand. When James says "ten minutes," you need to chug.
Me: You're new to this pub crawl. We have rules.
Rob: I've had it up to here with The Man and your rules.

Class Wars

Me: You guys have a Corona bucket. We have a Grolsch bucket. That makes us somehow better.
Chris: You're like, "We're so Euro!"

Suburban Gangsta

Me: Yeah, I'm gonna roll up to the farmers' market in my Prius, wearing my Toms, carrying my natural cotton bags.
Greg: Awwww, yeah.

Cheesemaking

Me: Eeeuuulgh. How many molds is that?
Greg: Three, at least. Maybe four.

The Inventors

Matt: You know what I need? A magnet on a long stick.
Me: With a mirror.
Matt: Or a camera!
Me: And a little grabber claw.
Matt: And a gun! Hell, at that point, why not go all out?!
Me: Let's do this thing!

Actually, Drop 7

Me: My computer's been on the Welcome screen for half an hour.
IT Guy: Awesome! *typingtypingtyping* Okay, I told it to restart. If it stays hung for another five minutes...
Me: Eh, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. With my phone, if you know what I mean.
IT Guy: Ah, Angry Birds Rio.

This is what I live with.

Greg: I'm going to to "pbbblt" out of at least two orifices!

They're building a desk. They don't know why I'm laughing at them.

• I need it to be longer.
• See, I found both holes without even looking.
• A little to the right...aw yeah, keep it right there.
• I had it like that before, but it stuck out too much.
• It's not long enough. I have an extender at home.
• While you're down there, d'ya see that thing hanging down?
• Just jam it in there, it'll get wider.

Can I talk to Dana?

Vinny: I'm going to want to have lunch eventually.
Jay: Lunch?!
Matt: There is no lunch.
Me: Only Zuul.
Matt: You know, I was thinking that when I said it, but I thought no, I'm not going to say it, that'd be stupid.

It is what it is

Jay: Stop stop stop! You're out of the hole!
Everyone: (silence)
Me: Okay, sorry guys, you know that is what she said.
Matt: (sigh) I know, it just...
Me: I know. But it is.

Overheard Long Ago, Transcribed Just Now

Guy: I played harmonica, but I had to stop because I got dizzy.

Guy: I've never been good at lying.
Girl: Oh, I hate it but I'm really good at it.

Guy: I'm not republican! I hate Larry King!

Guy: All the parties we go to are black tie.
Wife: No, some of them are black tie optional.

Kid: Mommy, we don't we take private jets? Me and daddy go somewhere, and you and Sean go somewhere else! ...If you spend time away from each other, you won't have to argue with each other!
Sean: Well, they barely argue.

Continuing Resolution

Me: The worst case scenario would be Greg gets furloughed and I get fired for being fat.
Matt: Ah, nothing's going to happen to Greg. He's too vital.
Me: Yeah, they control the weather. I mean, no! No, they don't!
Matt: Aha!

Programming Meeting

MAJ: Well, we've solved the Muppet crisis.

Lawful Order

COL: Go into obstruction mode.
Me: That's my default mode. As you well know.

Shopping List

Greg: Pork, fish, sausage. I want that!
Me: Sausage made out of fish and pork?
Greg: No, sausage made out of porkfish!
Me: No such thing as a porkfish.
Greg: Yes, there is!
Me: No.
Greg: Yes! I can't believe you've never seen a porkfish. Swimming around with their little snouts, adorable!
Me: Fish don't have snouts.
Greg: Porkfish do.
Me: Nope. And pigs don't have gills.
Greg: Well, no. I don't know why you even needed to point that out.