Toilet Humor

Marine: Here's the latrine...er...head...er...whatever you people call it.
Soldier: "Bathroom."

Massed Choir...of doom!

Me: Louder! Louder and faster! And with more vibrato!
Lori: And with the trumpets up an octave!
Me: Perfect! You can be my staff arranger!

Band Name 2 of 2

Greg: This was good for me to have.
Me: Clam chowder is always good for everyone to have. Except clams.
Greg: Of course clam chowder is good for clams to have. Makes 'em taste more like chowder.
Me: But then they'd be cannibal clams, and who wants that?
Greg: I'd feel bad about cannibal clams, unless they were a band I was going to see.
Me: I think they're opening for Monkey Prime.

Band Name 1 of 2

Deb: Should I save this monkey bread?
All: (silence)
Deb: I keep moving it around; I think it's time for it to go.
Me: It's probably past its monkey prime.

Of course, neither of us recalls what this was in reference to.

Greg: If I had a blog, that would be on it.

Pop Culture A-Go-Go!

Me: I think the internet's broken.
Greg: You may be right.
Me: I may be crazy.
Greg: It just may be a lunatic you're looking for.
Me: "Safari could not load the requested page."
Greg: Ha ha!
Me: I think Bart broke his leg!
Greg: I said "ha ha."

What, you expected a real auction?

Me: The picture makes it awesome.
Mike: "May I interest you in...stuff?"

David, fire, now.

Deb: David, are you going to build a fire, honey?
Greg H: You phrased that as a question. Why?

Renovations

Kirsten, calling from basement: The washer and dryer are upstairs now, aren't they?
All: Yes!

Take that Cookie!

Greg: No, it still doesn't make sense. Stupid Limp Bizkit.

Band Name

Greg: We'll be the shiznit. Well...together with Kirsten, we'll form the triumvirate of shiznit.

Sixth Sense

Greg: I knew you were going to do that.
Me: Did you know I was going to kick your ass for saying that?
Greg: Yes. Obviously.

Which Isn't His Name, Either

Me: Does that pencil say "Jeffrey Clark," you thief?
Greg: No, it says "Rich Simpson."

For reference, he was already out.

Dan: Oh, I remember one time when my brother was little...it must have been...oh...when did "Sound of Music" come out?
Steve: 1963.
Me: I think we just had a "don't ask/don't tell" moment there.

The Pearl is in the River

Mike: I know what I can bring you from Vegas: a hooker!
Me: Where am I gonna keep that?
Mike: You could throw Greg out.
Me: He owns the bed. I'm getting used to having a bed.
Mike: The hooker will bring a bed.
Me: That sounds like a rarely-used spy passphrase.
Mike: Response: "She prefers the purple duvet."

Moving Pictures

Mike: Is that one of those "talkies" eveyone's been on about? Don't know that I care for these newfangled entertainments.
Me: Eh, it's just a fad.
Mike: Quite so. Let's Charleston.

Today's Upper Auxiliary Clarinet Slamming

Me: I was listening to that squeaky bit, and I realized it's vital for someone, somewhere, to write a clarinet quartet called "E-fer Madness."
Matt: Isn't there one already?
Me: Oh, probably. It's inevitable.
Matt: Yeah, you put an infinite number of monkeys in a room, and half of them will write Shakespeare, and the other half...
Me: ...will write clarinet quartets?
Matt: Maybe not. Maybe it's too un-ironic: pretty much all E-fer parts are maddening.

Majority Rule

George: Ah, see, now we can't be "late," because we are a quorum.

Christmas Cookies

COL: Man, that's pure sugar.
Me: Nah, there's butter in it, too.

Something Tells Me Not to Believe Him

Me: Why is there powdered sugar all over the inside of this cabinet?
Greg: I have no idea.