With great power comes the obligation to dismiss people early

Loran: This is my first chance to be magnanimous, so take advantage of it.

Get us, bein' all topical and stuff

Mike: I'm not sure that goring is legal in football.
Me: Damnit, first that useless pass interference rule, now no goring? Where's the sport, I ask you!
Mike: Next thing you know, they'll take away our handguns!
Me: What's this country coming to?
Mike: It's the Communo-Fascist Terrorist Muslims in the government, I tell ya.
Me: We should all move to Iran, one of the most democratic countries in the world! According to them!
Mike: Plus, bonus: no gays!
Me: According to them!
Mike: Well, and why would they lie? That nice Mahmoud has such an honest face.
Me: And he's willing to stay in a normal hotel room. Unlike some.
Mike: Exactly. He's so down-to-earth and charming, it's easy to ignore the Holocaust denying. Everybody has flaws.

Nature/Nurture

Matt: I do some bone-headed guy things sometimes, but dude, some guys make guys look bad. I want to say, did your mama raise you, or were you raised by two dudes?
Me: Nah, two dudes would do it better.
Matt: No, not like gay dudes, like...
Me: Two asshats?
Matt: Exactly. You know what they say, asshats beget asshats.

The Contractors Finally Left

Matt: They did leave two ladders and a hammer.
Me: Maybe we can fix the light.
Matt: You want to fix the light with a hammer?
Me: Sure. Why not?
Matt: I can do that. There are two things I, as a man, can do: use a hammer and grill meat.

Moving

Me: We haven't unpacked any computers yet.
Mike: *spit take* No computers?! My god, woman! How do you live?

User Error

Marva: It's a good thing the copier can't talk. It'd be all "Oh hell no, don't you be looking at me like that, like I'm the idiot. You're the idiot." You'd get anywhere near it and you'd hear "Oh no, here it comes again."

Crap

Matt: You know what they say, crap wrapped in gold is gold crap. Actually they don’t say that. I just made it up. But you can sell your gold crap.

Me: It’s worth its weight in gold.

 

Explanation

Vinnie: I love to do that, just to give people cause to say "Why'd you do that?"

Programming

Mike B: It's part of the process. First we pick the tunes, then the sax section goes on and on and on about how all of the tunes suck.

Power Outage Vignettes

Chad: I feel sorry for the [auditionee] playing at the time.
Matt: If he keeps playing, he's in.

Jay: I thought we had emergency lighting in here.
Me: We do. It's called a window.

Gene: Oh my god, I just tried to use the paper shredder, and I couldn't figure out why it wasn't working.

Me: Hey, do me a favor and guard the men's room door. They have a window and I've already peed in the dark once today.
...
Me: Thanks! They're gonna be all "who put the seat down?!"

New Neighbors

Me: I was looking for someone on whitepages.com, and noticed the "search neighborhood" link, which finds the rest of the block. Households in our new area include the Gross family and the Neat family.
Mike: I guess I know who you'll be hanging out with.
Me: I don't know that we'd want either of them over for dinner.
Mike: I just hope they don't live next door to each other. I'm imagining lawn arguments.

Most Pathetic Attempt at Small Talk While Attending a Mandatory Event

Strange Woman: Looks like you got a good turn-out! Were you here last
year?

Ye Olde Eeeewwwww

Me: I am never going to a Ren Faire with you again.
Mike: Aw, man. I was counting on you for the urine.

Not like they could charge 48.75 cents each, but still

Me: CPT Pena just asked me to order the second and fourth movements of a suite for the chorus. I can pay $1.90 each for each movement, or $1.95 each for the whole suite.
Jennie: Here's your sign.

And those words are El Hambo

Me: If you're the guy who got Kde su kravy moje stuck in my head, we're going to have words.

As we raise our voices in a solemn prayer...

Me: God bless America.
Mike: And lasers.
Me: Yes, lasers bless America.

I Failed to Post This When It Happened

Mike: Wow, they Epic Failed 15 years before Epic Failing even existed!
Me: They were pioneers.
Mike: They took their Failboat across the Failsea, straight to the colony of Failsburgh, to start life anew. A life where the freedom to fail is an unassailable right.
Me: And we will call it Failtopia!

Original Thoughts are Inefficient!

Conductor: Do we have any of these tunes? [list]
Me: No, but I have the CD you're looking at.

Leadership

CPT: Is this gonna work?
Me: Beats me. I've assigned Matt the task of figuring it the hell out.

Movie reviews as a function of Leonard Part 6

Matt: ...and I realized I've never seen "Hair," and I was looking at the listings, and it's on AMC at like 4am, so I set the TiVo.
Adrian: You're proud of this? Something they only air at 4am?
Matt: Sure! I mean, it's "Hair," right? It's...
Me: Iconic.
Matt: There you go, iconic.
Adrian: As iconic as "Leonard Part 6."
Matt: Which I've seen like twenty times.
Me: You don't tell people that.
Matt: I was a kid! Plus, I'd rather see that twenty times than watch "The Happening" ever again.