Woolfenden: French Impressions

Me: Okay, I know I complain about bad turns a lot, but this string bass part must have been paginated by monkeys. Or three-armed string-bass players.

Scoring

COL: Boy, I can pick 'em, can't I?
Me: Why? How many double reeds are in that thing?
COL: Naw, this one's got all A clarinets.
Me: Oh, they're gonna love you, sir. Who writes for A clarinet anymore?
COL: Shit, I don't know.

Artist

Me: Who's doin' Boehme?
Phil: We're doin' Boehme.
Me: It's here, in the original key now, ya whiners.
Carl: It was Ward who really wanted it in the original key. He's a purist.
Phil: He's a purist AND he didn't want to have to play a step lower.
Carl: Yeah, in that order.

Painful Typo

11x17 sore

I Guess It Could Be Worse

Marva: I'd rather smell like garlic that came off of pasta than garlic that came out of kimchi. That's beyond musty. That's mursty.

What's Wrong Here?

David: Holy crap!!! Somebody moved Mt. Rushmore!

Second English Horn? Soprano Sax!

COL: Thanks, Sarah! You're brilliant!
Me: Uh, I woudn't say that until you've actually heard the transposition.

Honesty

LT: *ask for score*
Me: *bring score*
LT: Wow! That was fast!
Me: Well, it's promotion boards.
LT: You know, at least you're willing to admit it. A whole lot of people are just playing it off like it's normal.

You'll Have to Narrow That Down

Mike: I think she's an idiot.
Me: Who?

The Muse

Beth: I'm in full-on arranger mode. Eatin' junk, drinkin' coffee, and if I smoked, I'd have a cigarette.

Awesome Typo, If I Do Say So Myself

Contrabasspoon!

I'm Only Askin'

Eddie: Alright, I'm gonna go book more meetings. Because I'm the meeting booker today.
Me: Do you need a 52-slide PowerPoint presentation for your meetings?
Eddie: No.
Me: Because we've got one...
Eddie: No.
Me: ...if you find you need it.
Eddie: No.

I Wish I'd Heard In Advance

Apparently it's Bring Your Screaming Child to Work Day. Who knew?

An Email I Was Just Forwarded, Summarized

Announcement: [action] MUST be approved by [party] in advance, effective immediately.
SGM 1: We're ignoring this, right?
SGM 2: Yes.

The New Computers

Darryl: Man, I could kiss these machines when they work properly. Fortunately, that happens so seldom, that most of the time I want to throw them out the window.

Yet More Army Talk

Chief: How ya doin'?
Me: Eh. Alright. How you doin'?
Chief: Eh. It's gonna be a little hectic until these [promotion] boards are over.
Me: Yeah, but everyone's going to be sucking up to you until then, too. Are you losing weight?

Deleted Mail

June 2006...

Me: Outlook has crashed five times since I started writing this email. Does
that mean I'm too long-winded, Outlook sucks, or both?

More Army Talk

COL: I brought some cheesecake.
Me: You're a nasty, nasty man, sir. I mean that in the best possible way.

Cascade, Act II: Fire

Me: I'm poking around some websites, like ya do, and there are banner ads for Rozerem, a sleeping aid. Have you seen them? Abraham Lincoln and a huge beaver on a motorcycle, with the slogan, "Your dreams miss you." Actually, no, Abe and the beaver are in a sidecar.
Mike: Yeah, I saw the TV ads (and then the print ads later), and I immediately wondered why they were trying to connect their product to the month of February. See, cuz I thought the beaver was a groundhog. If they had used any other president, or any other rodent--barring, obviously, a groundhog--I wouldn't have been confused. Once I realized they were just trying to be surreal, it was kind of funny. But the whole February thing ruined it for me.
Me: Lincoln's pretty much a given, since he's certainly the most identifiable. How 'bout Lincoln carrying a garden gnome? On a merry-go-round?
Mike: See, funnier. You should have written their ads. Although garden gnomes might be over-used in commercials these days. Perhaps a dwarf.
Me: Lincoln, spinning a plate on a stick, riding bareback.
Mike: Lincoln, spinning a dwarf on a stick, riding bareback on a llama?
Me: Lincoln marrying a llama!
Mike: Lincoln marrying a dwarf llama! On a stick!
Me: A llama in a stovepipe hat!
Mike: Lincoln wearing a llama! And marrying his hat! (Mistaking his wife for a hat, if you will.)
Me: Oliver Sacks in a llama costume!
Mike: BF Skinner in a dress! In a box! On a stick!
Me: With Schroedinger's cat!
Mike: On a ladder! On fire!
Me: Balanced on the feet of three tiny Chinese acrobats!
Mike: Reading Proust! In the original French! (See, now that's a dream. Why aren't marketers as clever as us?)
Me: Translating into Swahili on the fly!
Mike: Monkeys! Somewhere!
Me: On fire!
Mike: We're repeating now, so I guess we're done. How long before it ends up on the blog?

Cascade, Act I: Smoke

Announcement: The Army Substance Abuse Program will relocate from [building] to [building] on 15 August 2006. There will be NO urinalysis samples processed from 15 August to 21 August 2006.
Me: Well, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Mike: Well, remember, detectable THC stays in your system for 7 days, so that's not quite a big enough window. Ya might get lucky. But you could always go with some heroin. Or a big ol' bag of crack. Yummy.
Me: So they managed so send the email early enough to let the "good" people know where they are, but late enough that the "bad" people can't take advantage of it. Wow. I don't give them enough credit.
Mike: I think it's mostly for the brass. Cuz, as you know, them Generals love their coke.
Me: I just read this conversation to the Alcohol and Drug Control Officer, and she just said, "Yup."
Mike: Dude, I'm gonna get you fired.
Me: "I'm gonna have you killed." I waffled on responding with that, but I hope you'll catch the reference and not have me arrested.
Mike: My lawyer has recommended I not speak to you. You'll be hearing from him soon. He's very, very large.
Me: But...but...you did get the reference, right?
Mike: If you continue in this manner, I will be forced to bring harassment charges against you as well. Merry Christmas.
Me: But...I...
Mike: ...yesss? Apologies won't help you now.
Me: *pfft* Who was apologizing?
Mike: I hope you enjoy jail.