Boosey & Hawkes

DM: I think they're just spectacularly disorganized.
Me: No, they're genuinely assholes.
DM: Aw, I was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Guess where he works!

Me: Oh, man, have you lost like a ton of weight?
Rob: I've been swimming almost constantly. When work pisses me off, I just say "take it to the pool." So, y'know, in the past two months I've lost 25 pounds.

Minimalism

Vince: It wasn't that hard. All I had to do was think like [percussionist].
Me: There's so many jokes there, I don't even know where to start.
Vince: I know! That's why I stopped at "think like [percussionist];" it's really all you need.

As Diva as He Can Get

Jay: Why isn't Matt [copying] that?
Vince: Because I...I want to do it! It's my last chart!
Me: He wants Matt standing behind him, at attention.
Vince: Yes!
Me: And flags. The Army flag on one side of the copier, and the US flag on the other.
Vince: Yes! That's what I want! Why isn't that happening?!

Know Your Enemy

Kim: Okay, what do I need to know?
Me: He hates medleys. He wants modular things that can be put together in different sets, but then he wants the whole set bound together under one cover. And when you DO do medleys, he hates long transitional sections. Anything over 8 bars, he'll cut.
Kim: *goes on leave*
Laura: *returns from leave*
Laura: Okay, what do I need to know? Kim didn't tell me anything.
Me: He hates medleys. He wants modular things that can be put together in different sets, but then he wants the whole set bound together under one cover. And when you DO do medleys, he hates long transitional sections. Anything over 8 bars, he'll cut.

Later
COL: I'm sure they'll be calling you soon.
Me: Oh, Kim called in advance.
COL: What'd you tell her?
Me: I said "He hates medleys. He wants modular things that can be put together in different sets, but then he wants the whole set bound together under one cover."
COL: And long intros! If they're more than 8 bars, I'm cuttin' 'em!

Music Selection

Conductor: It has clapping?
Me: It has clapping and stomping.
Conductor: Oh, we are SO doing that.

From Detroit down to Houston, to the oceans white with foam

Me: Apparently one of our encores this tour is "God Bless the America."
Jane: I shudder to think who wrote that.
Me: Irving Greenwood?

Surprise! We're Capable!

Librarian of big famous orchestra: So...what are you sending?
Me: We're sending--actually we have sent--the new anthem, Let Freedom Ring, and Stars and Stripes in the band key, which is Ab to Eb.
Librarian: Oh! And did you send...real parts?
Me: Yes.
Librarian: Oh! And scores?
Me: Yes.
Librarian: Oh! And...how many strings, if you recall?
Me: 8-7-6-5-4.
Librarian: Oh! And how did you send it?
Me: FedEx.
Librarian: Oh! To my attention?
Me: Yes.
Librarian: Oh! I guess...we're all set then.
Me: Yep.

Pleasure Doing Business With You

Me: Hey, I need to go through a bunch of money real fast. Can you charge my card and let me carry a balance?
Vendor: Sure. Lemme make sure I have the right account...okay, how much?
Me: Two thousand dollars.
Vendor: Okay, we'll invoice you.
Me: Great.
Vendor: Anything else?
Me: Nope, that's it.

Tell Him I'm Not Talking To Him

Jonathan: I'm giving you the silent treatment. That's how we adults deal with conflict.

Drunken Diptych

Moira: It's so nice to see Americans really drink.

---

Me: What is it about England that makes people drink?
Chris: The English.

Poor kid never learned what a nonagon was.

John: The older kid's school was mad because we're taking her out for two more days than she's allowed to miss in a school year. I mean, you tell me this isn't an educational trip. Today we saw the Rosetta Stone. What were they going to talk about that was more important?
Me: But you missed a discussion of shapes!

Last Man Standing

Peter: You want anything?
Me: I'm taking a break.
Peter: That's not really fair; none of the rest of us are.

They Call Me the Child-Choker!

Me: I bought a Kinder egg.
Karen: *gasp* You're so bad!

The first rule of pub crawl...

Michael: I don't think you understand. When James says "ten minutes," you need to chug.
Me: You're new to this pub crawl. We have rules.
Rob: I've had it up to here with The Man and your rules.

Class Wars

Me: You guys have a Corona bucket. We have a Grolsch bucket. That makes us somehow better.
Chris: You're like, "We're so Euro!"

Suburban Gangsta

Me: Yeah, I'm gonna roll up to the farmers' market in my Prius, wearing my Toms, carrying my natural cotton bags.
Greg: Awwww, yeah.

Cheesemaking

Me: Eeeuuulgh. How many molds is that?
Greg: Three, at least. Maybe four.

The Inventors

Matt: You know what I need? A magnet on a long stick.
Me: With a mirror.
Matt: Or a camera!
Me: And a little grabber claw.
Matt: And a gun! Hell, at that point, why not go all out?!
Me: Let's do this thing!

Actually, Drop 7

Me: My computer's been on the Welcome screen for half an hour.
IT Guy: Awesome! *typingtypingtyping* Okay, I told it to restart. If it stays hung for another five minutes...
Me: Eh, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. With my phone, if you know what I mean.
IT Guy: Ah, Angry Birds Rio.

This is what I live with.

Greg: I'm going to to "pbbblt" out of at least two orifices!

They're building a desk. They don't know why I'm laughing at them.

• I need it to be longer.
• See, I found both holes without even looking.
• A little to the right...aw yeah, keep it right there.
• I had it like that before, but it stuck out too much.
• It's not long enough. I have an extender at home.
• While you're down there, d'ya see that thing hanging down?
• Just jam it in there, it'll get wider.

Can I talk to Dana?

Vinny: I'm going to want to have lunch eventually.
Jay: Lunch?!
Matt: There is no lunch.
Me: Only Zuul.
Matt: You know, I was thinking that when I said it, but I thought no, I'm not going to say it, that'd be stupid.

It is what it is

Jay: Stop stop stop! You're out of the hole!
Everyone: (silence)
Me: Okay, sorry guys, you know that is what she said.
Matt: (sigh) I know, it just...
Me: I know. But it is.

Overheard Long Ago, Transcribed Just Now

Guy: I played harmonica, but I had to stop because I got dizzy.

Guy: I've never been good at lying.
Girl: Oh, I hate it but I'm really good at it.

Guy: I'm not republican! I hate Larry King!

Guy: All the parties we go to are black tie.
Wife: No, some of them are black tie optional.

Kid: Mommy, we don't we take private jets? Me and daddy go somewhere, and you and Sean go somewhere else! ...If you spend time away from each other, you won't have to argue with each other!
Sean: Well, they barely argue.

Continuing Resolution

Me: The worst case scenario would be Greg gets furloughed and I get fired for being fat.
Matt: Ah, nothing's going to happen to Greg. He's too vital.
Me: Yeah, they control the weather. I mean, no! No, they don't!
Matt: Aha!

Programming Meeting

MAJ: Well, we've solved the Muppet crisis.

Lawful Order

COL: Go into obstruction mode.
Me: That's my default mode. As you well know.

Shopping List

Greg: Pork, fish, sausage. I want that!
Me: Sausage made out of fish and pork?
Greg: No, sausage made out of porkfish!
Me: No such thing as a porkfish.
Greg: Yes, there is!
Me: No.
Greg: Yes! I can't believe you've never seen a porkfish. Swimming around with their little snouts, adorable!
Me: Fish don't have snouts.
Greg: Porkfish do.
Me: Nope. And pigs don't have gills.
Greg: Well, no. I don't know why you even needed to point that out.

Brilliant! New! Idea!

Me: ...and I will try not to be swayed by the fact that it was [composer] who thought of it, because he is a jerkwad.
SGM: That has indeed been brought up.
Me: I should think so.

Ah, singers. I've been one.

Singer: It's an instrumental.
Me: No, it's vocal.
Singer: But there's no vocal part.
Me: Yeah, the last soloist probably just didn't return it. When [arranger] comes in, I'll have him print another one.
Singer: But...we need to know what key it's in now.
Me: ...okay...?
Singer: How can we tell what key it's in?
Me: From...all the other parts?

Is There a Tier IV?

Al: I haven't met the conductor, but I've met the stage manager, who is also the timpanist.
Me: Ah. That gives me a lot of information right there.
Al: Yeah, that tells you where we are with this.

So many identities withheld, but most are guessable

IW: [good conductor] is coming tomorrow, to do kind of a conducting master class-y thing. With [bad conductor].
Me: Hold on. The worst conductor the chorus has had in the past ten years at least is going to have a coaching session with the best conductor the chorus has ever had? In front of the chorus?
IW: And it was [bad conductor]'s idea.
Me: Wow. That's...brave. I'm not sure it's going to work out as favorably for him as he thinks.
IW: I'm sure [good conductor] won't humiliate him too badly. Gay men have class.

Success!

Mike B: *whistling*
Matt: Great. Now that's stuck in my head, asshole.
Mike B: That worked better than I could have hoped.

Starring Jet Li

Me: This is pretty good, actually.
Greg: What is it?
Me: Chef's cheese, refried beans, Monterey jack, bacon, and taco sauce. On the last tortilla.
Greg: The last tortilla!
Me: John Woo's "The Last Tortilla."
Greg: Ooh!
Me: I would see that.
Greg: Two tacos face off with one another...in Hong Kong.

So at Christmas? We have rum punch?

Kirsten: If elephants can eat poop, I can drink wine from the bottle.
Greg H: If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.

Thyme Keeps on Flippin' into the Suture

Me: That's why you shouldn't cook after surgery.
...
Me: God, that was shameful.
Greg: Yes! Yes, it was!

Can't Stop the Music

Greg: Uh oh.
Me: Are we out of champagne?
Greg: We are.
Me: Damnit! I'm never going to make it through this Village People movie.

Kids. What can you do?

Greg: Noah said something about always look on the bright side of life.

Me: And then everyone started whistling.

Greg: No, and then Arnie said "don't ever say that again, because now I have [singing] in my head."

Me: Ah.

Greg: And then the intern asked where that was from.

Me: And then you euthanized him.

Greg: No.

Me: Hm.

She never begs; she knows how to choose them

Me: That's more ZZ Top than I thought I knew.

Greg: That's more ZZ Top than I thought you knew.

Man-to-English Translation

Greg: Nice dress.
Me: Nice boobs.
Greg: That's what I meant.

The texts are coming from inside the house!

Me: Are you home and I didn't notice? Because I hear someone walking around upstairs.
Greg: Yes. How do you not notice?!
Me: Dude, I have locked myself in the bathroom and was about to call the police. No way your car was here when I got home.
Greg: It was.
Me: You have a cloaking device, then.

Later...
Me: I categorically deny that your car was in the garage when I got home!
Greg: And I categorically assert that it was!
Me: Cloaking device! It's the only answer!

Like the Pioneers Would Have

Caller: I know you don't have power, but I need to ask you [rather basic question].
Me: [answer].
Caller: Wow! Okay, [tougher question].
Me: That one I don't know, but I can give you the number of the person to call. Just give me a second...okay, it's [number].
Caller: Wait a minute, how did you know that if the power is off?
Me: I...have it written down?
Caller: Oh, MAN!

Later...
Me: ...and he was like, "Oh, MAN!"
Matt: No.
Me: Yes.
Matt: Wow. That...scares me.

Not sure how to take this...

Greg: Oh, someone made an RPG based on Torchwood. That'd be fun.
Me: If you're gay.
Greg: What? You could play Owen.

Copyright: A Summary

CPT: Have we heard back on any of the stuff we were waiting on?
Me: No. None of it.
CPT: Which were the things we were wondering about?
Me: All of them.

Unite!

Me: Rstevens says "Free yourself from the tyranny of pants! Onwards toward nudity!"
Greg: Excellent! Tell him I fully support his movement and wish to obtain some pamphlets!

On Lobster

Greg: I have to wonder, how does a giant scavenger insect living at the bottom of the sea get so tasty? It doesn't make sense.

Salt! Salt! Salt!

Mike: Nothing makes me want to destroy humanity more than Parrotheads.

Subbin'

Me: Half this choir is subs. They were reading "Assumpta est Maria"
and had to be told it was for Assumption.
Greg: Well, what did you assume?
Me: I assumed you'd say that, for one thing.

I Do Try

Sammy: You look very serious.
Me: I'm trying to prevent the clarinets from having to play Clarinet Candy, Clarinet Polka, or Fiddle Faddle.
Sammy: A noble cause.

My Obvious Hip Hop Potential

Me: They see me munchin', they hatin', something something something
something eatin' almonds.
Greg: Okay...?

From the organization that brought you "Somebody should update the wiki" comes...

Greg: I thought communication was hard, but apparently I'm awesome at it!

Yet more LBSC0735!

• We replaced everything else we had with Going Rogue; it's all you need.
• If you had a slow connection with baseball, how would you know? They're just standing there either way.
• Stupidity is boundless.
• I suppose this is really overly dorky.
• The T is for terrorism. Wow, that sounds like Sesame Street gone wrong.
• It sounds like fun! And anchovy!
• You don't see doctors throwing paint on each other and screaming "Lucifer."
• Um...hi...I've been charged with killing hobos.
• Not, like, professors, but real educators.
• Not long ago, barber/surgeon was a career choice.
  

Rejoice! For I have found two months of LBSC0735 notes, and the snide comments thereunto pertaining

• More than a third of the class has one of four first names.
• My email address is on here, which I now point to, because a year ago someone emailed me to tell me they couldn't find my email address on the syllabus. I wept quietly.
• What are the blankets that have sleeves?
• If you're Dan Brown--not that I would wish that on anybody...
• Re RIAA: ...the people what done did the suin'...
• Archivalship? Archivin'!
• Most law review footnotes are not worth your time.
• If society collapses that far, it'll be an issue of avoiding the Mad-Max-style people.
• Remember a couple years ago when we were all killed by SARS?
• If we fail, it will be spectacular.
• Week 4 is where people start showing up in tinfoil hats.
• There's never nothing happening relating to the law and information.
• He wasn't the sharpest bulb in the drawer.
• Enjoy your urban blight!
• I got caught in a scrum, and I was trying to go the other way...so definitely go to the ALA convention, just wear shin guards.
• I guess you could be an anarchist librarian, but how would you order the things?
• Aardvarks aren't edible. There's your band name! Plenty of opportunities for umlauts!
• You can tell by the acronym it was a bad idea.
• I ran out of chalkboards, so it seems like we'll go with five.
• Life without spellcheck is really confusing. I started to write parnats.
• Check the wayback machine; I'm done.
• We don't want to corrupt our children with reality!

Student: People have this bizarre but understandable love for the library.
Teacher: "Bizarre but understandable?" I like that.
Student: "Bizarre" seemed too judgmental.
Teacher: Especially because you're, y'know, here. "I'm here to destroy libraries from within!"

• Anybody get all angrified while you were reading it?
• I know nothing about Star Trek.

Student: There are Nixon deniers?
Teacher: Why not? I have no recollection of him.

• If someone wants to just chug the crumbs out of the bag, that opportunity is available.
• That wasn't the only thing: he also had a neck beard.
• I've left the house several times this week, that hasn't made the news.
• Everything will be okay, so long as Janet Jackson's not involved.
• There's a lot of evil out there, and credit card companies and data aggregators both fall into that category.
• Old Navy! Where are you?!
• I come not to praise Wal-Mart but to bury it.

Student: Note to self: Don't tell [student] anything.
Teacher: There's your privacy issue right there.

• ...pipes, gas lines, mole men...
• Now do you see how it's all fun and exciting and angries up the blood?
• Hectares! That is not a unit of measurement we use enough. Especially in terms of ordering at a restaurant. God, that's the sign Americans' diets are out of control--I'll have a hectare of potato salad, please. Bring a shovel.
• Here it's an antacid; there it's a back hoe.
• Let's obey the laws of physics!
• Yeah, the Nuremberg defense.
• Because Google has to seem threatening.
• The patent office is in the 18th century.
• It's a delightfully terrible idea.
• If you wanted to stage a Beckett play--footnote: why?--but if you did...

Teacher: I forgot two. Damnit! Okay, let's just go on to three.
Class: Profit!
Teacher: What?

Me: I'm not making you read Finnegan's Wake!
Teacher: I've already done that!
Me: Screenshot or it didn't happen.

• That's what that cubby's for! I've always wondered.
• So hypothetically, we'll call it "J.D. Salinger."
• But that doesn't work for shoes. Touche!
• I don't know why I picked Ben Hur. It was the first thing that came to mind.

Student: She was reading an abridged version, where it stops short of Beth dying.
Student 2: Spoiler alert!

• Tom Waits does admittedly sound like no human should.
• ...the annual orphan works bill...
• I don't have a beard, and I don't own any elbow patches! I had a lot of things preventing me from teaching at a law school.
• I can anticipate the moves of Garth Brooks!
• It's a hypothetical dog.
• ...fantastic in its evilness.
• If you can't identify a squiggle, just assume it's positive.
• You can't get more than full credit on the assignment. Stop talking to me.
  

Romantic Sunday Morning

Me: *frrrt*
Greg: Pathetic.
Me: Who made you king of the farts?
Greg: Do you really need to ask?

Patois

Greg: Do you want to go to the other Walmart?
Me: Yeah. I hate the fact that you can't check inventory online, but this is better than calling a bunch of Walmarts.
Greg: True.
Me: You'd have to use the local dialect: "Y'all got any a them iPhones?"
Greg: That was pretty good, but you're missing at least two things. You need a hacking cough somewhere in there, and you need to be yelling at kids in the background. "Git off the couch!"
Me: "Stop biting the dog!" *hack hack hack*
Greg: Okay that actually was kind of disturbing.

I Get All My News From Drunk Hulk

Me: Didja hear Al and Tipper Gore are separating?
Greg: No.
Me: Yeah, Drunk Hulk says he's been saying that for years, because humans and robots shouldn't marry.
Greg: Which one's the human and which one's the robot?
Me: Who can say?

Choice Quotes from LBSC0735, December 10, 2009, Which I Apparently Never Posted

• I apologize for the ones that got bent. I had cat issues. She is clearly smarter than I am.
• I would appreciate, if you got an A, that you not complain about your grade.
• Evil trolls? The scheduling fairy? I don't know.
• You should all be eating a rubber chicken dinner and I should be doing a soliloquy.
• Proactive drinking? I'm not sure what that would be besides another band name or memoir title. Or both! Why be limiting?
• The way to handle IP in the archives is to weep quietly in the corner while drinking.
• Okay, I missed something. Or did something stupid and didn't realize it. Two choices, either viable.
• If graduations did mean people bursting into song, wouldn't more people show up?
• My PhD hat is one of those octagonal things, except it has a big poofy bottom, so it's like the 16th-century Dutch navy or something.
  

The Male Flautist: Loud 'n Proud

Me: The oldest Chimes of Liberty you have, which should be Feist from 1922: does it have second flute?
Laura: I don't know!
Me: You don't know that off the top of your head? How embarrassing.
Laura: Hey Rob, the oldest Chimes of Liberty we have, does it have second flute?
Rob: I'm not sure.
Laura: He's not sure.
Me: What the hell kind of flute player is he?
Laura: What kind of flute player are you, she wants to know.
Rob: The kind that plays first.

Brush with Fame

Me: Famous person!
Jonathan Coulton: Famous person!

I understand the reasons why you're hungry 'cuz so am I

Greg: The only question is, what do you want to do for breakfast, lunch, brunch, frunch, d-lunch, d-linner, d-leackfast, d-lightful?

My Hal Leonard contact was also kind enough to point this out today

John: Hello! Carry on! Remember, could be worse, you could be stuck in a windowless room when it's gorgeous out!
Matt: I'm completely sure he didn't need to go there.

Abominable Papercrafts

Me: Did you know there are "print and fold" mascots at vancouver2010.com?
Mike: No I did not, but I so don't want a stylized Canadian first-nations origami yeti in my house. Oh, wait, yes I do.

A Selection of High-Quality Typos So Far This Week

The Way You Loom Tonight
South Rampart Street Pavane
Sleigh Rice

Matt: Y'know, I would like to hear that pavane.

The Art of Conversation

Me: Hello! Would you like to talk about my headache? It's all I can think about.
Shari: My back is killing me.
Me: Would you like to talk about my headache to take your mind off of it?

Lest you think this blog is merely a catalog of stupid crap others say

Me: In my head, a group of children are yelling "thank you, TiVO chicken! Bok bok!"
...
Me: It's like Wil Wheaton. Well, it's like Wil Wheaton dressed as Colonel Sanders.

It's not all fun and games, you know.

Greg: God, this sobriety test is so boring!

Learning

Matt: I’m all about learning through failure. Lots and lots of failure. If it’s possible to screw it up, I’m there.

Two Snippets of Radio Announcements Heard While Abusing "Scan"

1. ...for various reasons. But that is why we have so many oratorios!
2. Elaine Stritch!

Greg Summarizes Rosemary's Baby

Greg: Yay, technology! Boo, devil worship!

So we're at this restaurant showing Jacques Pepin on a loop, right?

Me: Flanmergency!
Greg: How often do you have one of those?

Black Friday Shopping

Greg: The hard thing about Mike is you have to find something truly
awful. Just horribly, unforgivably bad.

Aloo Paratha

Me: Yesterday we had potato in a pie crust, so clearly now we need
potato stuffed in bread.
Joel: How far do you want to go with this?
Me: I want a turducken of starches!

Mathramblin'

Me: That's what your book of cowboy poetry will be called.
Greg: Ridin' across the prairie, I seen a five by seven grid of cows...

9.2% abv

Me: How ya doin'?
Greg: I'm almost capable of focusing on the task at hand!

Conversation Degradation

Greg: You gotta love a man who knows his sausages.
Me: Is that a penis joke? I've lost track.
Greg: When did they start?
Me: With the "rigor" joke.
Greg: Oh yeah. Anyway, I may not know my sausages that well, but I'm
reasonably familiar with them.
Me: ...okay, was that a penis joke?
Greg: Always assume everything is a penis joke.

Mart A

Me: One of the craft blogs in my reader has a free needlepoint pattern today: "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog." Do you see the flaw?
Greg: What flaw could you be talking about? Every pangram (the right name, I think) ever written joined every letter into a maze of language. Quite exciting!

Time to Decipher the Thermostat

Me: How is it colder UPstairs?
Greg: I don't know!
Me: Did heat not get the memo?

Don't Ask, I Won't Tell

Matt: Okay, who put words to the Minute Waltz?
Me: Barbra Streisand. Why do you ask questions you don't want the answer to?

Cold Weather Attire

Me: ...and I discovered when I went to the bathroom that there was a third layer I'd forgotten about.
Greg: "There's pants in my pants!"

With great power comes the obligation to dismiss people early

Loran: This is my first chance to be magnanimous, so take advantage of it.

Get us, bein' all topical and stuff

Mike: I'm not sure that goring is legal in football.
Me: Damnit, first that useless pass interference rule, now no goring? Where's the sport, I ask you!
Mike: Next thing you know, they'll take away our handguns!
Me: What's this country coming to?
Mike: It's the Communo-Fascist Terrorist Muslims in the government, I tell ya.
Me: We should all move to Iran, one of the most democratic countries in the world! According to them!
Mike: Plus, bonus: no gays!
Me: According to them!
Mike: Well, and why would they lie? That nice Mahmoud has such an honest face.
Me: And he's willing to stay in a normal hotel room. Unlike some.
Mike: Exactly. He's so down-to-earth and charming, it's easy to ignore the Holocaust denying. Everybody has flaws.

Nature/Nurture

Matt: I do some bone-headed guy things sometimes, but dude, some guys make guys look bad. I want to say, did your mama raise you, or were you raised by two dudes?
Me: Nah, two dudes would do it better.
Matt: No, not like gay dudes, like...
Me: Two asshats?
Matt: Exactly. You know what they say, asshats beget asshats.

The Contractors Finally Left

Matt: They did leave two ladders and a hammer.
Me: Maybe we can fix the light.
Matt: You want to fix the light with a hammer?
Me: Sure. Why not?
Matt: I can do that. There are two things I, as a man, can do: use a hammer and grill meat.

Moving

Me: We haven't unpacked any computers yet.
Mike: *spit take* No computers?! My god, woman! How do you live?

User Error

Marva: It's a good thing the copier can't talk. It'd be all "Oh hell no, don't you be looking at me like that, like I'm the idiot. You're the idiot." You'd get anywhere near it and you'd hear "Oh no, here it comes again."

Crap

Matt: You know what they say, crap wrapped in gold is gold crap. Actually they don’t say that. I just made it up. But you can sell your gold crap.

Me: It’s worth its weight in gold.

 

Explanation

Vinnie: I love to do that, just to give people cause to say "Why'd you do that?"

Programming

Mike B: It's part of the process. First we pick the tunes, then the sax section goes on and on and on about how all of the tunes suck.

Power Outage Vignettes

Chad: I feel sorry for the [auditionee] playing at the time.
Matt: If he keeps playing, he's in.

Jay: I thought we had emergency lighting in here.
Me: We do. It's called a window.

Gene: Oh my god, I just tried to use the paper shredder, and I couldn't figure out why it wasn't working.

Me: Hey, do me a favor and guard the men's room door. They have a window and I've already peed in the dark once today.
...
Me: Thanks! They're gonna be all "who put the seat down?!"

New Neighbors

Me: I was looking for someone on whitepages.com, and noticed the "search neighborhood" link, which finds the rest of the block. Households in our new area include the Gross family and the Neat family.
Mike: I guess I know who you'll be hanging out with.
Me: I don't know that we'd want either of them over for dinner.
Mike: I just hope they don't live next door to each other. I'm imagining lawn arguments.

Most Pathetic Attempt at Small Talk While Attending a Mandatory Event

Strange Woman: Looks like you got a good turn-out! Were you here last
year?

Ye Olde Eeeewwwww

Me: I am never going to a Ren Faire with you again.
Mike: Aw, man. I was counting on you for the urine.

Not like they could charge 48.75 cents each, but still

Me: CPT Pena just asked me to order the second and fourth movements of a suite for the chorus. I can pay $1.90 each for each movement, or $1.95 each for the whole suite.
Jennie: Here's your sign.

And those words are El Hambo

Me: If you're the guy who got Kde su kravy moje stuck in my head, we're going to have words.

As we raise our voices in a solemn prayer...

Me: God bless America.
Mike: And lasers.
Me: Yes, lasers bless America.

I Failed to Post This When It Happened

Mike: Wow, they Epic Failed 15 years before Epic Failing even existed!
Me: They were pioneers.
Mike: They took their Failboat across the Failsea, straight to the colony of Failsburgh, to start life anew. A life where the freedom to fail is an unassailable right.
Me: And we will call it Failtopia!

Original Thoughts are Inefficient!

Conductor: Do we have any of these tunes? [list]
Me: No, but I have the CD you're looking at.

Leadership

CPT: Is this gonna work?
Me: Beats me. I've assigned Matt the task of figuring it the hell out.

Movie reviews as a function of Leonard Part 6

Matt: ...and I realized I've never seen "Hair," and I was looking at the listings, and it's on AMC at like 4am, so I set the TiVo.
Adrian: You're proud of this? Something they only air at 4am?
Matt: Sure! I mean, it's "Hair," right? It's...
Me: Iconic.
Matt: There you go, iconic.
Adrian: As iconic as "Leonard Part 6."
Matt: Which I've seen like twenty times.
Me: You don't tell people that.
Matt: I was a kid! Plus, I'd rather see that twenty times than watch "The Happening" ever again.