Something Something Spear

COL: Somebody asked me something about...something. Or...I don't know. Something about Pennsylvania.

Note: I knew exactly what he was talking about.

Copier

Dan: We're having a bit of a jam session here.

Purpose

Howie: Evil librarian! Are you filing for America?
Me: I'm filing for democracy.

An Indicator That I May Not Be Cut Out For This Job

Twice today, upon viewing the phrase "National Emblem," I began hearing "El Capitan" in my head.

Baby

Matt: I think the cuteness is the only reason we're keeping him. Otherwise he'd be out with the recycling.

Scanning and International Relations

Shawn: Why 600 dpi? Instead of, say, three?
Me: Because that's what the guy at the Montreal symphony told us all to do, and I'm not going to argue with him, because he's French.

Shawn: That's probably for the best.

How a Letter Becomes a Missive

Guy: I mean, there's not, like, a form letter for that, is there?
Me: Nah. All you have to say is "yes, go ahead." I s'pose you could throw an AR at it to make it sound fancy.

Doctor Funny's Lessons in Comedy, Volume 1

Greg: Volume is irrelevant, but timing matters.

Special Delivery

Jim: A Böhm!
Me: Were you expecting one?

Note the Subtle Differences

Greg: I'm going to pout.
Me: Oh, and that's news how?
Greg: I don't usually pout. Usually I'm just sullen.

Organist with a Screwdriver

Myrna: What's he doing?
Me: "I wonder if I can take this thing apart and put it back together again before the sermon's over."
John: He's pulling out all the stops!
Me: Literally! *rimshot*
Steve: Is he worshipping the organ?
Me: Oh, I just thought of something awful.
Steve: *sigh* Okay, what.
Me: "Thou shalt have no other gods before me and my organ."
Steve: You're going to hell.

This Requires an Explanation, Which You're Not Getting

COL: Sarah! Come see me when you come out of the closet!

Hey!

Me: You're not allowed to assert!
Greg: Yes, I am!

The Programming Grid

Me: Look, sir, it's your favorite thing!
COL: Aw, shit.

Revised Edition

Vince: So should I give it a new catalog number, since it's basically a different chart?
Me: Yes.
Vince: Should I, like, do something with the cover or title or something?
Me: Mark it "version 2.0."
Vince: You're kidding.
Me: It works. We have a lot more 2.0's in the library than I like to think about.

Who Needs to Rehearse?

Me: Sammy has the parts for your chaser, but the main tune I don't have yet.
Al: Really.
Me: Yep.
Al: So, no band parts either.
Me: Yep.
Al: It's on the show next Friday.
Me: Yep.
Al: That's awesome.

On On the Mall: In which one may see how boring I am

Apparent number of sets owned: twelve

Number of envelopes: three (labeled "On the Mall," "On the Mall," and "St. Louis Blues")

Prices marked:
$1.00, corrected by rubber stamp to $1.25 (2 sets)
$1.25
$1.25, corrected by rubber stamp to $1.50 (2 sets)
$2.00, with correction sticker residue (2 sets)
$2.00, corrected by sticker to $2.50 (5 sets)

Last known price: $80.00

Unexpected ownership stamp: Regimental Band Detachment, 301st Ordnance Regiment

Parts of "Onward-Upward" filed in set: 2

Humorous phrase resulting from unfortunate line break in Goldman Band System advertisement on reverse: "odious exercises."

He Did Ask Nicely

David: Please, call me Fatty McButterpants.

Location, Location, Location

Me: ...and they played Void, a new game he just got at the Renn faire, of all places. It's like, jousting field, bar, game store. Who knew?
Al: Well, that just makes sense. You gotta know your audience.

Celebrate My Fat! Come On!

Me: I passed a weigh-in today, so I'm having ice cream.
Mike K:
Me: It's only fair.
Mike K:
Me: Luckily I don't have the same attitude toward urinalysis.
Mike K:
Me: Because that would be unhealthy.
Mike K:
Me: Not to say that this is entirely healthy, of course.
Mike K: I don't even know where to begin asking questions.
Me: That's probably safest.

Perhaps

Mike: Perhaps Colin Mocherie has suffered enough.

CBC+DC

Me: Drop the Dead Douglas Coupland
Mike: This Hour Has 22 Douglas Couplands
Me: You Can't Do That On Douglas Coupland

Valdresmarsj

COL: Did you find a real score?
Me: No. I'm going to give you a [newer edition]. It's condensed anyway, so you won't know what you're missing.
COL: *pause* Okay.

So, Anyway...

Me: *starts story 1* *segues midway through into story 2* *finishes story 2*
Greg: So...
Me: Oh, there's more to that first story. I just trailed off because I forgot I was telling it.
Greg: How do you do that?
Me: You know how you go to look up a word in the dictionary, and you get distracted by other words?
Greg: Yeah.
Me: My whole head is like a dictionary of stories.
Greg: And you get distracted by the stories you're not telling.
Me: Yeah. So, anyway...

Another Gift Idea Down the Drain

David: We were somewhere in New Hampshire, and we went to the mall for a minute, because that's about as long as it took us to go through the mall, and we went into Spencer's for something...
Me: You needed a tit-shaped mug.
David: No, I have one of those. Strangely enough.

Knowing Your Limits

Mike: I think psychic monkeys with spy satellites might scare me even more than Greg does.

You know what? I don't want to know.

Chris: I'm gonna shampoo his cats.
Me: Is that dirty?

Proofing

Writer of Memo: Oh, I should've indented each paragraph.
Me: You should've gotten the name of the band right. And the conductor.

Joint Chorus Rehearsal

LTC: We're getting paid right now. For this! *pause* Don't tell anybody.

Because Obviously I'm the Expert

SGM: Wahini. Is that "woman?"
Me: Yes.
SGM: Okay, good.

More Three-Armed Parts

Me: Here's a turn in the middle of a timpani roll.
LT: And?
Me: So his third arm can come squelching out of his neck to turn?
LT: Is he pedaling?
Me: Probably not.
LT: Then what's the problem?

Physician, Heal Thyself!

Chiropractor: Oops. That was my back.

Failure to Communicate

COL: The Hal Leonard one is not the Mark Rogers one.
Me: This is the Mark Rogers, and it says Hal Leonard.
COL: No.
Me: See? *pointing* Mark Rogers, Hal Leonard.
COL: *pause* Is that the set we used?
Me: This is the only Rogers we have.
COL: The Hal Leonard is by someone else.
Me: This is the Hal Leonard *pointing*, and it's by Mark Rogers *pointing*.
COL: *pause* That's not the Hal Leonard.
Me: It says Hal Leonard.
COL: I mean it's not the Rogers.
Me: It says Mark Rogers.
COL: *pause* Well...the Hal Leonard one is not the Mark Rogers one.
(repeat ad nauseam)

Truth

Shari: Today would be a good day just to sleep.

Metroid Prime

Greg: Stupid lasers. Where my lasers at?
Me: Where my lasers at?
Greg: All the people want to know...
Me: Where my lasers at?

AMAZING CARTTON [sic]

Mike: That cartoon is full of penises and screaming. It really sums up what the internet is all about.

Woolfenden: French Impressions

Me: Okay, I know I complain about bad turns a lot, but this string bass part must have been paginated by monkeys. Or three-armed string-bass players.

Scoring

COL: Boy, I can pick 'em, can't I?
Me: Why? How many double reeds are in that thing?
COL: Naw, this one's got all A clarinets.
Me: Oh, they're gonna love you, sir. Who writes for A clarinet anymore?
COL: Shit, I don't know.

Artist

Me: Who's doin' Boehme?
Phil: We're doin' Boehme.
Me: It's here, in the original key now, ya whiners.
Carl: It was Ward who really wanted it in the original key. He's a purist.
Phil: He's a purist AND he didn't want to have to play a step lower.
Carl: Yeah, in that order.

Painful Typo

11x17 sore

I Guess It Could Be Worse

Marva: I'd rather smell like garlic that came off of pasta than garlic that came out of kimchi. That's beyond musty. That's mursty.

What's Wrong Here?

David: Holy crap!!! Somebody moved Mt. Rushmore!

Second English Horn? Soprano Sax!

COL: Thanks, Sarah! You're brilliant!
Me: Uh, I woudn't say that until you've actually heard the transposition.

Honesty

LT: *ask for score*
Me: *bring score*
LT: Wow! That was fast!
Me: Well, it's promotion boards.
LT: You know, at least you're willing to admit it. A whole lot of people are just playing it off like it's normal.

You'll Have to Narrow That Down

Mike: I think she's an idiot.
Me: Who?

The Muse

Beth: I'm in full-on arranger mode. Eatin' junk, drinkin' coffee, and if I smoked, I'd have a cigarette.

Awesome Typo, If I Do Say So Myself

Contrabasspoon!

I'm Only Askin'

Eddie: Alright, I'm gonna go book more meetings. Because I'm the meeting booker today.
Me: Do you need a 52-slide PowerPoint presentation for your meetings?
Eddie: No.
Me: Because we've got one...
Eddie: No.
Me: ...if you find you need it.
Eddie: No.

I Wish I'd Heard In Advance

Apparently it's Bring Your Screaming Child to Work Day. Who knew?

An Email I Was Just Forwarded, Summarized

Announcement: [action] MUST be approved by [party] in advance, effective immediately.
SGM 1: We're ignoring this, right?
SGM 2: Yes.

The New Computers

Darryl: Man, I could kiss these machines when they work properly. Fortunately, that happens so seldom, that most of the time I want to throw them out the window.

Yet More Army Talk

Chief: How ya doin'?
Me: Eh. Alright. How you doin'?
Chief: Eh. It's gonna be a little hectic until these [promotion] boards are over.
Me: Yeah, but everyone's going to be sucking up to you until then, too. Are you losing weight?

Deleted Mail

June 2006...

Me: Outlook has crashed five times since I started writing this email. Does
that mean I'm too long-winded, Outlook sucks, or both?

More Army Talk

COL: I brought some cheesecake.
Me: You're a nasty, nasty man, sir. I mean that in the best possible way.

Cascade, Act II: Fire

Me: I'm poking around some websites, like ya do, and there are banner ads for Rozerem, a sleeping aid. Have you seen them? Abraham Lincoln and a huge beaver on a motorcycle, with the slogan, "Your dreams miss you." Actually, no, Abe and the beaver are in a sidecar.
Mike: Yeah, I saw the TV ads (and then the print ads later), and I immediately wondered why they were trying to connect their product to the month of February. See, cuz I thought the beaver was a groundhog. If they had used any other president, or any other rodent--barring, obviously, a groundhog--I wouldn't have been confused. Once I realized they were just trying to be surreal, it was kind of funny. But the whole February thing ruined it for me.
Me: Lincoln's pretty much a given, since he's certainly the most identifiable. How 'bout Lincoln carrying a garden gnome? On a merry-go-round?
Mike: See, funnier. You should have written their ads. Although garden gnomes might be over-used in commercials these days. Perhaps a dwarf.
Me: Lincoln, spinning a plate on a stick, riding bareback.
Mike: Lincoln, spinning a dwarf on a stick, riding bareback on a llama?
Me: Lincoln marrying a llama!
Mike: Lincoln marrying a dwarf llama! On a stick!
Me: A llama in a stovepipe hat!
Mike: Lincoln wearing a llama! And marrying his hat! (Mistaking his wife for a hat, if you will.)
Me: Oliver Sacks in a llama costume!
Mike: BF Skinner in a dress! In a box! On a stick!
Me: With Schroedinger's cat!
Mike: On a ladder! On fire!
Me: Balanced on the feet of three tiny Chinese acrobats!
Mike: Reading Proust! In the original French! (See, now that's a dream. Why aren't marketers as clever as us?)
Me: Translating into Swahili on the fly!
Mike: Monkeys! Somewhere!
Me: On fire!
Mike: We're repeating now, so I guess we're done. How long before it ends up on the blog?

Cascade, Act I: Smoke

Announcement: The Army Substance Abuse Program will relocate from [building] to [building] on 15 August 2006. There will be NO urinalysis samples processed from 15 August to 21 August 2006.
Me: Well, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Mike: Well, remember, detectable THC stays in your system for 7 days, so that's not quite a big enough window. Ya might get lucky. But you could always go with some heroin. Or a big ol' bag of crack. Yummy.
Me: So they managed so send the email early enough to let the "good" people know where they are, but late enough that the "bad" people can't take advantage of it. Wow. I don't give them enough credit.
Mike: I think it's mostly for the brass. Cuz, as you know, them Generals love their coke.
Me: I just read this conversation to the Alcohol and Drug Control Officer, and she just said, "Yup."
Mike: Dude, I'm gonna get you fired.
Me: "I'm gonna have you killed." I waffled on responding with that, but I hope you'll catch the reference and not have me arrested.
Mike: My lawyer has recommended I not speak to you. You'll be hearing from him soon. He's very, very large.
Me: But...but...you did get the reference, right?
Mike: If you continue in this manner, I will be forced to bring harassment charges against you as well. Merry Christmas.
Me: But...I...
Mike: ...yesss? Apologies won't help you now.
Me: *pfft* Who was apologizing?
Mike: I hope you enjoy jail.

Audition Tape

Jeff: I was watching it, and I thought...
Me: "I'm a nerd!"
Jeff: I'm a giant nerd!

Carmen Suite

Ray: I'm just glad I had a tacet sheet for that thing, so I didn't have to be on stage for it.
Me: As I understand it, you could have joined in on the tambourine madness.
Ray: Yeah, it's like cowbell. You just can't have too much.

Note: "Tambourine Madness" = band name.

Workin' Hard

Me: Kepya?
Chris: Huh?
Me: Can I help you?
Chris: I'm just gonna sit here.
Me: Ah, you're hiding. That's fine.
Chris: I'm gonna...uh...read about Robert Russell Bennett.
Me: There's a crapload of books about Adolf Sax in there somewhere.
Chris: Ooh!
Me: There's in fact way more books about saxophones than you ever wanted to see. Which is probably two.
Chris: That's probably true.

A Matter of Perspective

Mark R.: Hey! How's things by you?
Me: Oh, you know. Had the inevitable fight with McGhee today.
Mark R.: Better you than me.

Sometimes It's Not Even Worth Having a Nose

Me: It smells like yogurt. And not in a good way.
Greg: Yeah. Something smelled weird on the way to Carrabbas, too.
Me: Something smelled weird while we were there. It smelled like feet. Specifically, it smelled like my feet. I assume it was some sort of cheese. *pause* Jeez, that needs to go on the blog.

I Got Them Can't Find the Testing Machine Then Figure Out It's In the Same Pocket As the Lancets Blues

Greg: I got up this morning...
Me: Buh nuuh nuh nuh.
Greg: ...with a great deal of effort.
Me: Buh nuuh nuh nuh. I said I woke up this morning...
Greg: ...with a great deal of effort. I went to the bathroom, and then I went in the den, and I got my testing stuff, but this pocket was empty! So I looked in the kitchen, and it wasn't there, and I looked in the basement, and it wasn't there, and I couldn't figure out where I left it! So then I looked in here again, and it was in with the lancets!
Me: Man, you started out with some great 12-bar blues, and then it just went downhill.

Tempting, but...

Sue (brightly): Hello! Would you like to come to my suicide?
Me: Will you take people with you?

Today's Typo

Colorado Sproings

On the Duthoit Transcription of the Overture to "Marriage of Figaro"

Band    1
Mozart  0

Territory

Me: Should I be worried about the addresses that seem to have been marked in the past?
Teresa: Nah, there's no assigned parking. Except this space is mine, and there's someone in it.

Isn't There a Beatles Tune of This?

Me: Messenger bag.
Greg: Man purse.
Me: Messenger bag.
Greg: Murse.
Me: All of our arguments eventually dissolve into us repeating one word endlessly.
Greg: No.
Me: Yes.
Greg: No!

I Saw a Crappy Maze, And I Thought...

Me: It's like...whatever the hell that Nazi game was.
Greg: Wolfenstein 3D.

Thank You So Very Much For the Lovely Thank-You Note

Me: Who calls to thank me for an email?
Mike B: Hey, he could've faxed. That'd be worse.

Splish Splash

Beth: Words I didn't want to hear: "It's coming through the ceiling." I'm gonna go close my door now.

[Note: people are storming in and out of the men's bathroom across the hall, whence there comes a surprisingly loud sound of running/splashing water. Typically, any given individual's initial entrance into the bathroom is immediately followed by one or more oaths. Fun!]

Once I'm Sent to Research Music from 1990, Can Total Anarchy Be Far Behind?

Me: Desert Storm: 17 Jan 1991-27 Feb 1991. "Right Here, Right Now" Billboard #1: 9 Feb 1991-9 Mar 1991
Mike: See there. With Jesus (Jones) all things are possible.
Me: I sent another email supporting "Rock the Casbah." How much would you pay to hear a military band playing The Clash?
Mike: Plenty. But that was so not 1990. More like 1980. And also, kinda tacky, no?
Me: 1983. But check this.
Mike: Yeah, I remember the stir about the Clear Channel list, and this song in particular. It figures it got co-opted by the Right (and the military...which I guess are the same thing). There's little recognition of satire or appreciation of irony among them, I find. And the more I think about it, the tackier it gets. Don't be tacky, SJA.
Me: Would you prefer "We Didn't Start the Fire?" That's at least from 1990.
Mike: Hmm...perhaps. But only if there's a video montage of burning Kuwaiti oil wells over it.
Me: Lemme check the script...it just says "Boots on the Ground" video. That could be anything. Seriously, the frontrunner is "Vogue."
Mike: Now *that's* comedy.
Me: I demand choreography.
Mike: And, ideally, appropriate costumes.
Me: There was a guy group we sang with in college who did an a cappella arrangement of Vogue, and when it got to the spoken part, two guys joined the soloist at the front of the stage and did the whole dance, straight out of the video. Mad, crazy audience response. Screaming, immediate standing ovation, applause for minutes afterward. I mean, this was eleven, twelve years ago and I remember it...not well enough to tell you what group it was, but still...Man, that was funny.
Mike: Well, I think your group should certainly try to live up to that. Maybe you can invite Madonna to make an appearance. It's for America, after all.
Me: We could put the colonel in a bullet bra. It'd be cheaper.
Mike: Would he be willing to bleach his hair? Ya know, for America?
Me: What hair?
Mike: Get the poor man a nice wig.
Me: Maybe the "Blonde Ambition" tour look.
Mike: I was thinking more her early look for him, but Material Girl would work, too.
Me: Desperately Seeking Finley.
Mike: Are you? I'm sure he's about.
Me: Not here. And frankly, that's fine with us.
Mike: Perhaps he's off picking out a new Madonna wig.

The Anniversary Concert

Me: Who did Groove is in the Heart?
Matt: C+C Music Factory?
Me: No, they did Gonna Make You Sweat.
Matt: Huh. Was it a one-hit wonder?
Me: Dunno...ah, apparently it was Deee-lite.
Matt: That's vaguely familiar. *pause* Whoah...wait...why are you looking that up?!
Me: *look askance* Do you really want to know that answer to that question?
Matt: *slump* I guess I'll just find out in the normal course of events.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Superego!

Vendor: My social security number is xxx-xx-xxxx. Now you may steal my identity.
Me: I need a check for this guy.
Supply: I can do that this week.
Me: Dandy. Then we can steal his identity!
Supply: Do we really need more around here? The band seems to have more than enough.
Me: I think you're thinking of egos.
Supply: Oops, that is what I meant. Or was it personalities?
Me: Personality we could probably use a little more of, in some cases. Ego, we got pllllenty.
Supply: Good point.

The Definitive Dixieland Band Conversation, Of Which I Was Recently Reminded

Me: You guys don't actually use music, do you?
SGM Brye: *scoff* Who's asking?
Me: Some college band director wants to borrow Dixieland charts.
SGM Brye: Tell 'im to get a hymnal.

Calendar Issues

Jennifer: Have a good weekend!
Me: You too. Wait a minute. It's Tuesday.
Jennifer: Yeah, I know, but I'm going to Atlanta tomorrow.

Bowl of Pain!

Greg: And the thing is, the "kimchi" bowl noodle doesn't taste like kimchi, nor does the "camaron" bowl noodle taste like camaron. Although the "hot" bowl noodle does taste like hot.

Seen Here, in Figure A

Greg: It's what we're good at: comparing ourselves to other people.
Me: I'm better at it than you are.

The "Down Easter" Acccent

Bruce: When I travel, I don't have a car, and I don't drink beer. I drive an automobile, and I'll have whatever's on draft.

They Say Most Mammals Can Recognize the Call of Their Young

*screams*
Ron: Sounds like Kirsten.

Be Specific! B-E Specific!

Jerry: Don't burn the chicken this year.
David: I didn't burn the chicken. I burned the sausage.

Dad's 55th High School Reunion

Dad: It was great! All the pains in the ass have died by now.

Please, I'm Trying to Eat

Seventy-Something Woman 1: I'm just afraid you're going to come home with a couple of boy-toys!
Seventy-Something Woman 2: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

"Either That Wallpaper Goes, Or I Do"

Me: LT wants to rent "Last Words of David," for the end of September. It's $305. Okay?
Resource Manager: I'm pretty sure we can squeeze $305 from somewhere. Out of curiosity, what were the last words of David?
Me: "I have nothing to declare but my genius?"
RM: He spoke English?
Me: It was good enough for Jesus Christ!

Primal Cuteness

Me: We're going to get married.
Greg: I know. Is it the 21st or the 23rd?
Me: The 23rd.
Greg: Ah, good. That's prime.
Me: Actually, several of the dates we were looking at were primes: 11, 17…
Greg: Huh.
Me: We're just drawn to primes.
Greg: Awwww….primes symbolize our marriage! Together we multiply to form…no, that doesn't work…
Me: Together we're indivisible!
Greg: Gagh…that's terrible!
Me: Oh, like the rest of the conversation wasn't.
Greg: I think that was the breaking point.

And it anagrams to "Britney Spears"

Me: Presbyterians are historically Scottish.
Greg: Where was Calvin from?
Me: Dunno.
Greg: I'm just trying to fit this all together.
Me: I think all Calvinists are Presbyterian, but not all Presbyterians are Calvinist. Not entirely sure.
Greg: So the Venn diagram...
Me: Looks like a big fried egg, yes.
Greg: With a yolk of Calvinists!
Me: As opposed to the yoke of Calvinists.
Greg: *moan*
Me: Oh, you would've said it.

Summer Fare

Me: Whoa, somebody doesn't know how to program outdoor summer concerts: "Thrill to orchestral excerpts from Wagner's epic Ring cycle and the film score for The Lord of the Rings, followed by a vocal performance of Carmina burana."
Greg: Yeah, that's what your picnic audience wants to hear.
Me: Yeah, that goes with chicken.

Veiled Threats 101

Greg: How 'bout ketchup for breakfast?
Me: It has natural mellowing agents.
Greg: That's lucky...for you.

In a Sense, Still Wrong

Greg: You're not my boss!
Me: No, it's "you're not the boss of me."
Greg: Oh. You're not the boss of me!

No Right Answer

Me: *picks up penny*
Greg: Oh!
Me: You didn't see that? It was all glinty-glinty!
Greg: Ah, just like a crow, you are attracted to shiny things. That explains why you're attracted to me. Because I'm shiny.
Me: Man, if I argue with that, it means I think you're dull. I'm trapped.
Greg: Sweet. That wasn't even intentional.

84 degrees, 70% humidity

Me: It's hot.
Greg: You're telling me.
Me: ...said the guy wearing jeans.
Greg: No kidding.
Me: Your shower went to waste.
Greg: I'm going to be stinky all day. Good thing I'm gaming.
Me: And gamey.
Greg: Hooray! Two...things that go...together.

Deleted Mail

March 2006...

Me: ...and then I went to ThinkGeek, and now I have $70 of stuff in my cart.
Mike: I would be excited about that, except I assume none of it is for me. *sigh* It's hard being replaced as the geek.
Me: I think most of it's for me. Dude, l33t Scrabble tiles. How could I resist?
Mike: Those are awesome. Although I suppose not technically legal in the game.
Me: This from the man who plays Aztec Gods Scrabble.
Mike: Once, with Bill. And it was college! I was experimenting! It didn't count!

Tonight's Lindy Step: Extended Circle

George 1: Are you dizzy yet?
Me: Which one of you said that?
George 2: I think it was the middle one.

Today's Typo

When I bought my house, I was very understanding when all of my mortgage and title paperwork listed my employer as the Field Bank, because someone typing up mortgage and title forms all day surely types "Bank" more often than they type "Band." It's muscle memory. No big thing.

Therefore I hope you will understand when I type...

...made no distinction between good music and band music...

Character Assessment

Mac: Are they assholes?
Me: Nah, they're just idiots.

Phrase Shouted By Ushers Upon Opening the House, Giving a Clear Indication of the Audience We Draw

"Wheelchairs and walkers first!"

News Flash: Jazzers Lack Grasp of Obvious

Sax Player: So apparently, I’m not allowed to warm up on the Star-Spangled Banner with blues notes anymore.
Trumpet Player: Yeah, we’re not supposed to warm up on Taps. But it’s a perfect warm-up.
Sax Player: Man, that's bull.

Smackdown

Me: You want to see that big ol' picture of you.
Steve: Yeah! You put it in your computer?
Me: Hell, yeah. It's gonna be part of my shrine.
Steve: Really?
Me: No.

Odds

Me: What are my chances of just wiping out in that mud?
Pat S: Slightly lower, since you know about it.
Me: Still not zero, though.
Pat S: Ah, no.

Almost Perfect

When a girl gets engaged, particularly a girly-girl, all free time is spent planning her wedding. Therefore, I have a heightened awareness of others' matrimonial activities.

Although the panic-themed wedding in the hotel tonight has already been the source of much amusement and what-not-to-do note-taking (ie., don't forget to pack the whole dress), it was the girl at the Saks' cosmetics counter that wins the Bad Planning Prize of the moment.

She'd had her hair done already, and it was well shellacked into an immovable mass of curls--tiara above, veil beneath--and she was now having her make-up done with a smile of blissful anticipation. She was wearing a black, slimming, "curve-hugging" baby t-shirt. I almost told her what I was thinking:

"How're you gonna get that t-shirt off, dumbass?"

A Manifesto

Pat S: The only way to really change the world is to blow it up.